I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

[itriedmybest]

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

You are a terrible friend.

You remembered her birthday and then made the message about your mum dying. I’m so sorry for your loss but I’m not sure the timing of your message is helping.

i Think she realised she is better off without your friendship, you lack self awareness, empathy for others and you’re very much all about yourself.

why should she jump just because you have text her but she should be completely aware that if you don’t text it’s just cause “life is hectic” or you’re not good with your phone.

if someone didn’t text me, I wouldn’t show up to their house - that is odd behaviour.

I really don’t think you get how unreasonable and self centred you’re being OP

When she replies and says she’s busy you say ‘oh well that’s our friendship over then’ but when you don’t reply to her at all you think ‘well she knows where I am and can come to my house if she wants to contact me’

Do you honestly not see how you’re making this all about you? Every post is me me me me me making yourself a victim.

Im sorry for your loss but you really have to look at your own behaviour here and accept responsibility

It does sound like you're expecting this person to know your intentions without clear communication. Like you claim that she always knew where to find you when you didn't respond to messages but from her perspective did she?

This is an opportunity to acknowledge that you have been self centred, that you miss her and that if she did find some time to meet the door is always open for her. Wish her well and leave it.

^Hi friend, thanks for replying. I have not been the friend to you I wish I had been and it has taken this bereavement for me to reach out. I know I have been selfish. I miss you and would love a chance to repair this^

@itriedmybest how do you feel? I think a lot of these posts are pretty harsh with a sprinkle of truth. On the contrary to those saying you haven't owned up to your behaviour, I feel like you have in that you were up front about her being a good friend to you and you being a bit less there for her. I can't tell If you are really that bothered to lose her or not and if you find social skills a bit difficult? My friend has ADHD and she can be really rubbish at responding and organisation and if she is over whelmed or not wanting to face something she will procrastinate or just write it off if it's too much for her, it can come off to others who don't know her as selfish and inconsiderate but she is the opposite. The third option is that you're selfish and unreasonable and expect far more than you give in your friendships-i hope it's not that. If you are really sad to lose her I think you can salvage this situation by just sending a message acknowledging and validating her step back by saying you know she's been through a lot and you've realised you haven't been as present as you could've been, you're sorry about that, but you really value her friendship and hope you can catch up soon.

You could always reply , acknowledging her support when you were going through hard times and offering an ear if she needs to talk about her problems. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Don’t bring up your loss or talk about what’s going on in your life but keep it about her. Especially if she comes back with an agreement to meet for coffee and chat.

I think people are being harsh because at no point have you even acknowledged that you understand why your friend might be now fading you out despite everyone explaining why its happening.

I'm sorry for your loss but at least acknowledge that your friend has felt really let down by you in the past and instead of throwing out hyperbole calling yourself the devil and being dramatic, it might be helpful to look at this scenario from your friend's point of view.

Obviously it's up to you but if you dont reflect on this, you'll end up with no friends left. Friendships take work and effort and people will drift away if you put no effort in because they will naturally assume you simply arent interested in continuing a relationship with them. You cant really blame them for that, it's just self protection to prevent them from getting more hurt and upset in the future.

Sorry for your loss. You can feel let down, and upset.

But it does sound like you expect her to do a lot of the heavy lifting in this relationship. It's on her to reply, her to arrange meetups, he responsibility to drop in on you.

Maybe she doesn't want to do it if you're not there for her.

What? You don’t reply to messages because you find them overwhelming and then get upset because she didn’t reply to your message? Makes no sense, you are being unreasonable.

I'm very sorry for your loss, I hope things get easier for you. However when you repeatedly ignore someone when they need your support, you can't expect support when you need it. Regardless of the situation and the graviry of your loss.

I’m sorry but you have not been a good friend and basically dismissed her divorce and how hard that must have been. She is not in the wrong. It sounds to me like she’s probably got to the point where she is fed up of the way you’ve treated her and is deciding to do the same to you.