I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

[itriedmybest]

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

Again. No self awareness. You made it all about you.

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

OP, read that back to yourself. You let her down first. You can't expect her to be there for you in your hour of need when you ignored her for what sounds like a long time.

How very kind of you to 'reach out' on HER birthday and then tell her about YOUR problems.

After basically ignoring her when she reached out to you when she needed a shoulder.

It's fine if you couldn't be bothered to support her. It's not fine that you're complaining she isn't supporting you.

I think you should have messaged happy birthday, and then if she got back to you asking how you are, then tell her your news.

Maybe she has a lot going on still, as you had when you ignored her.

Maybe she has things going on?

I am very sorry for your loss but it sounds like you have been very distant with her and she probably feels like you only reach out when you need support but you aren't there to do the same for her. I imagine from her reaction you have really hurt her.
I have a 'friend' who doesn't reply to me a lot of the time and then suddenly when she wants something messages, tells me she's shit at replying and that I need to 'pester' her more. It's shit and I don't bother anymore.

I'm realising AIBU wasn't the best place to post about a recent bereavement. Thanks all anyway.

Maybe she feels that when you need support you expect her to be there to provide it but when she has needed support you haven’t even been able to message her and check in.

tbh I wouldn’t be prioritising you either. I’m sure she also has things going on in her own life.

She's given up trying.

She's probably investing her time on herself, any children, and friends who have supported her.

We do lose friendships if we don't invest in them.

From your friend's perspective:

She contacted you and you ignored her messages, but feel she could/should have gone to the trouble of visiting you.

She supported you through your divorce. You didn't even attempt to reciprocate.

On her birthday you send her a "happy birthday" message that doesn't sound at all appropriate - sounds like you made the text about you and your needs.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but you've been a really poor friend. In your friend's position I
would just accept the friendship was one sided (her to you), send my condolences by text and leave it at that.

You even made her birthday about you.

You didn’t just post about a recent bereavement though, did you? You posted about how you’ve treated your friend. That’s what everyone is responding to.

Kindly, you still seem very focused on yourself and not on how you might affect others.

Can you not take on board what anybody has said? Most people have sympathised with you over your loss. It's not easy. But you have to take some responsibility as to why your friend might not want to reply to your message when you've admitted yourself that you weren't there for her when she text about her divorce!

I’ve had a couple of friends treat me the way you are treating your friend when I was going through some really tough times. I gave them the benefit of the doubt the first time and was there for them when something went wrong, making a definite effort to be better than they were for me because I didn’t want them to feel as sad as I had when they weren’t there for me. Then I went through another tough time and they weren’t there again. So now I’m done. I know they’ve got some tough stuff going on again and I’m not getting involved. I barely think of them as a friend anymore, just someone I used to be friends with.

Right, but that's not what you did at all.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐 losing a parent is very hard and it's understandable that you're feeling fragile.

I think your friend is probably feeling that you let her down badly when her marriage ended and she reached out to you for support. I don't think sending her a birthday message and combining that with telling her about your recent bereavement has made up for her feeling let down by you. You should probably message her and apologise for not being there for her, especially as she was so supportive through your divorce.

It seems as though there is nothing I can say? I'm the devil incarnate and her behaviour at this difficult time is perfectly ok.

As I say, AIBU not the best place for this post at such a sensitive time.

Oh please, that’s so incredibly manipulative. You’ve posted to complain about your friend and get other people to join in. They’re not because her behaviour is understandable and yours isn’t. If you choose to neglect friends, especially when they’re going through big stuff like divorce ffs, the friendship ends.

Post again for support with your bereavement if you like but don’t pretend that’s what this has been about because it’s plain as day what you’re after.

I can relate to being your friend. I’ve had my texts ignored and had vague messages of “let’s get together soon”. I really needed someone to talk to recently and I suppose I know who my real friends are.

I'm the devil incarnate and her behaviour at this difficult time is perfectly ok.

More hyperbole and passive aggression. Your behaviour during her difficult time wasn’t okay and now she’s not there for yours.

I’m sorry about your loss but honestly, it’s seems to be just me me me with you. Your friend has just had enough I imagine. Friendships are 2-way. What about your behaviour at her difficult time?

You ignored her trauma, then dumped yours on her, on her birthday, along with your birthday greeting.

Im really sorry for your loss, but you aren’t the only person hurting here.

I think there are valid points here.
I also don't think it's necessary to stick the boot in quite so hard to someone who has just lost a parent, aibu or not.
A bit of compassion guys.

It's not ok that you didn't reply to her messages and have the attitude she can knock on your door ! Seriously that's bad. She's done the same to you. I'm sorry about you loss by the way. I think you need to knock on her door and try and save the friendship if that's what you want

Being there for her break up is what she needed. Not a happy birthday message. You should have stepped up.