I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

[itriedmybest]

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

@itriedmybest I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, it can make us behave differently. But you also need to own what you do and accept when you are wrong. You cannot expect people up lie and say you've behaved impeccably when you demonstrably have not

Maybe she has a lot on at the moment, much like you did when you found it overwhelming to respond to her messages

Really harsh of you to mention about the death of a parent on her Happy Birthday message. Especially, as you've not been there to support her through her divorce.

I think you need to try harder to re-establish the friendship.

I know you're going through a tough time, but so is she. You need to make more effort. Don't just say we should meet up, actually suggest a time and a place, or better still, go knock on her door. Hopefully, it's not too late to get the friendship back on track.

Sounds like you’ve always got ‘a lot on’ and make excuses to not reply…how long does it take to reply? A minute? Maybe 2?

Her marriage has broken down and you weren’t there and haven’t replied to HER but now YOU really have shit going on and need her, she’s giving you a taste of your own medicine.

You wished her happy birthday and told her one of your parents died in the same day? I’m really sorry for your loss, but poor timing.

I’m very sorry you lost a parent, but she supported you when you went through a rough patch, but you didn’t have time for her when she did, so you can’t blame her for cooling on the friendship. These things happen, just learn the lesson.

But not replying to her IS ignoring her isn’t it?

Sounds a bit like you said ‘happy birthday!’ But anyway back to me me me me, my parent has died. Could she not just have the day about her and not you?

Sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, she probably read your message as you making her birthday all about you. It sounds like you were not there for her during a difficult time and then didn't even think to stop to focus on her alone when saying happy birthday. It's a shame but the friendship has probably run its course.

I went through a really bad period of health issues, a parent and two sibling bereavements and other general stress. I'm not the kind of person to reach out to others, I tend to go in on myself which I did. I didn't confide in friends, slowly cut myself off and gave very short responses to my people.

Once I felt some what better overall, I reached out to everyone and apologised for going MIA and cutting myself off. Told them I'd had a tough period but I was really sorry for not being around. I didn't go straight into detail about it and instead asked how they were and listened to them about what was going on, hearing about work and kids and holidays etc. I over time went into detail and suggested meeting up after a good few calls and many messages because I wanted them to know that I wasn't contacting them again just because I wanted something but because I genuinely wanted their friendship not for what they could do for me.

Perhaps that's where you went wrong?

I am very sorry for your loss.

But what you need to realise is that this is happening because when she needed you YOU WERENT THERE. You dont know how her marriage ended. If her ex upped and left for another woman it can be utterly devastating but you werent there for her. Frankly she may well be thinking, why the hell should she be there for you?

I understand you are going through a lot but so was she. You need some self reflection about why she isnt there for you now.

You’re even making the post that you said wasn’t about you, about you! Can you not see where it’s all gone wrong here?

You come across like my sister- you’ve always got ‘a lot going on’ that means you can’t put yourself to one side to be there for your friend. My guess is that it’s a long standing thing and not a one off. Your friend has had enough!

She supported you through a divorce, but when she asked the same you were not there. She’s done with you, I’m sorry you’re realising this at a time when you’re feeling low but there it is.

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like this friendship drifted over time, so, sadly, it's not surprising that you've not had a reply to your message. If you want to try to rebuild this friendship, you'll probably need to really commit to putting effort in to staying more in touch.

Why should she call or knock if you don’t respond to her messages? Good grief OP, how self-absorbed are you? So she has to put herself out by doing that when you can’t be arsed to reply to her. Me me me!

I’m sorry for your loss but you have been a truly terrible so-called “friend”.

I’m sorry for your loss. The death of a parent can be brutal. After so short a time I expect you’re still reeling.

I’m afraid you have let your friend down too much for there to be a relationship to salvage. You weren’t there when you should have been, so she’s moved on without you.

As you grieve your parent, I doubt you have the emotional bandwidth to properly make amends to your friend. You’d only end up turning back onto your needs (grief is hard like that) which would be unfair to her.

Yeah, she moved on. That's absolutely fair enough. You sent a pretty clear message when you ignored her divorce.

But your post isn’t really about your recent bereavement is it? And now you’re twisting it to be about that because you don’t like the answers you’re getting.

I think you both need some breathing space. You’ve both been through a LOT. I think in this case you need to take a breather and lean on someone else in your life. Do you have a partner / kids / sibling who can help you through this time? Then perhaps when the dust has settled you can reach out again.

Messaged received, one and all. Consider me suitably chided. No need for further responses, thank you.

Nailed it, quite sad really

But the responses would be the same wouldn't they, wherever you posted?
I’m sorry for your loss, it’s a very tough time for you. Probably the most difficult time in your life. But your friend’s divorce was the most difficult time in her life — and you ignored her.
I’d let it go for now, grieving is hard work, takes up your energy. Then later apologise to your friend and suggest you meet up. If she doesn’t respond I’m afraid that’ll be the end of the friendship.

She supported you during a divorce and you blanked her during hers. That's the bottom line. No going back from it.

I'm very sorry for your loss and it must be awful.

Unfortunately, I have to echo some of the posts. I don't mean to kick you when you're down. You admitted yourself that she was supportive during your divorce but then almost dismissive when she needed you, saying you were busy.

I think perhaps when it's not so raw with losing your parents, maybe you should go see her. And talk to her in person. But don't make it about tit for tat because you weren't there for her when she needed you. Yes she could have sent a message of condolence, even if I was feeling angry with a friend I would still do so. But she may be feeling let down by you.

It's a hard life lesson to learn. Friendship is about balance and giving in equal measure. You excused your nonchalance with being busy but say you feel let down when this time she wasn't there for you. She was before.

Take some time to grieve then go talk to her. Apologise if necessary, if you want to keep the Friendship going. Sometimes you have to be the one to make an effort. Even if phones overwhelm you.

I wish you well op.

Why go on AIBU? The consensus of opinion is that you are being unreasonable and then you are getting annoyed. There are consequences when you are wrapped up in yourself and you let people down