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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

238 replies

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 21:56

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

OP posts:
DowngradedToATropicalStorm · 07/08/2024 00:54

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 22:15

I'm realising AIBU wasn't the best place to post about a recent bereavement. Thanks all anyway.

This isn't about the bereavement though. It's about you being a poor friend to her when she needed you and she has decided to let the friendship cool.

I would not have bothered to answer you either. She needed you when her marriage fell apart but you were not there for her. It really is that simple. Gardens don't grow if you don't feed and water them

Proudbitch · 07/08/2024 01:55

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 22:15

I'm realising AIBU wasn't the best place to post about a recent bereavement. Thanks all anyway.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been a bit horrified by some responses but I guess it’s the AIBU.

sending love your way.

Proudbitch · 07/08/2024 01:59

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 23:23

Messaged received, one and all. Consider me suitably chided. No need for further responses, thank you.

Just back again to send some love your way. I have reported at least one of these
responses on here as they are out of order.

Feel free to message me directly if you need a sympathetic ear ❤️

PizzaFecker · 07/08/2024 02:06

You were a rubbish friend when she needed you but now you want support she has to jump when you say how high? Not surprised she's upset with you

creamofroses · 07/08/2024 02:22

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 22:05

I haven't ignored her. I remembered her birthday - I'm not on social media so didn't get any kind of reminder I just know when it is and took the time to reach out to her on her day, I though that whilst doing so I needed to explain what has been going on for me so that she understood. That's it.

Took the time... very big of you. You remembered it was her birthday - and that was a good excuse to try and get her attention and support for your recent loss. A bereavement is hard, but so is a divorce, as you know from your own experience - when she was on hand to support you. I think it has been too many episodes of all the help being a one-way street, with her supporting you. You more or less completely ignoring her divorce was probably the last straw.

SD1978 · 07/08/2024 02:58

She needed you and you weren't there for her- and it seems having been in contact for a significant amount of time- you then contact her with a birthday message, but also to bring it back to you- I probably would respond, and for you I'd probably accept the friendship is over. It sounds like you (maybe unintentionally) got in contact for yourself. I'd probably say no thanks too, I'm afraid.

Josette77 · 07/08/2024 03:12

I knew someone who sounds similar to you. Sadly she wore all of her friends out. It was always about her and eventually no one wanted to be around to listen to her.

Losing your mom is awful and I'm sorry for your loss.

Hopefully though you will reflect and learn to be a better friend through this situation.

I would recommend apologizing to your friend now if you are hoping for a chance to save your friendship.

anywhichone · 07/08/2024 04:40

You should expect to get out from a friendship what you put in.

You have chosen over the years to disengage including when she was going through a divorce. The likelihood is she no longer sees you as a supportive friend based on your behaviour so she has pulled away.

You can't expect support when you need it but not be prepared to give it. Your difficult times do not trump her difficult times.

user1492757084 · 07/08/2024 05:05

She's not being rude but possibly busy.
She is behaving exactly like you did to her when she had her separation. You were just busy.
Expect that she means well. Trust your friend.

I think you should, instead of messaging, meet up or phone for real and actually speak to each other.
You could both receive a lot of support from having a real meet up. Take friend some biscuits and sharea cup of tea at her house.

Ilovecleaning · 07/08/2024 05:10

After reading several posts, I went back to check the title because I thought it should have been ‘I feel that I have let my friend down.’

Gillypie23 · 07/08/2024 05:11

You've been a shitty friend.

tillytown · 07/08/2024 05:15

How can you claim to be her friend when you don't know, and didn't bother to ask, why she was getting a divorce? That's so weird to me. Anyway, just apologise for being self centered and absent, ask if she wants to remain friends, and then suggest a meet up? Pretending you haven't caused her upset and stress wouldn't fix anything, but being honest might do.

velvetcoat · 07/08/2024 05:41

PlacidPenelope · 06/08/2024 22:09

I imagine your friend feels very let down by you and now you want her to jump when you message?

Seriously, @itriedmybest you have been no friend to her at all, I guess she has realised this and is no longer interested in you. Your friend has realised just how one sided the friendship was, she was there for you you were nowhere for her.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message

I find this odd I have to admit but the irony in you expecting her to respond to a message from you when you have never bothered with her and nor have you called or knocked.

This exactly. You say you dont like messages and find them overwhelming and yet you expect her to message you when you need it whilst saying you've ignored her in the past during times of great stress for her.

Seriously? there is apparently no reciprocity in this relationship if its all her making the effort. Friendships require both sides to make an effort and if you arent or haven't then no sympathy from me I'm afraid.

People arent objects to just pick up and put down when it suits you.

KateDelRick · 07/08/2024 06:19

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 22:15

I'm realising AIBU wasn't the best place to post about a recent bereavement. Thanks all anyway.

In fairness, you're not posting about a recent bereavement, but about a relationship gone wrong. That's what you're getting advice on.

JMSA · 07/08/2024 06:25

I'm so sorry for the loss of your parent Flowers
But you have reaped what you sowed on this one, as you were a pretty shit friend.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 07/08/2024 06:29

You ignored her marriage break up and still think she’ll give a shit about you?

anothernewstart9 · 07/08/2024 06:31

Gogogo12345 · 06/08/2024 21:58

Well by the sounds of it you ignored her for ages so why expect any different from her. You reap what you sow

Absolutely this!

turnips4u · 07/08/2024 06:33

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what losing a parent is like.

That aside, you have treated your friend appallingly and sadly, you are now reaping the effects of that. Maybe going forward you should reflect on why this friendship has ended and determine to make a bit more effort in the future with other friends as if you carry on like this you will continue to lose people from your life.

I also dont understand why you would expect her to knock on your door after ignoring all her messages? If a friend ignored all my messages the absolute last thing on earth I would do is show up at her house- that would show a complete lack of respect for her boundaries. Someone ignoring your messages is indicative that they dont wish to speak with you so it would be really inappropriate to just turn up at their house.

No response IS a response- it communicates a lack of interest in continuing any kind of interaction - hence the term "ghosting". It's deeply upsetting to be ignored, it makes you feel like you are worthless and not even worth 10 seconds of a person's time to send a quick message. I dont think you have fully realised until now and its happened to you just how hurtful it is to be completely ignored. Your friend is probably deeply hurt.

How many times have you gone round to her house as you dont mention that but I am presuming none?

BarryKentPoet · 07/08/2024 06:35

You're rather manipulative, aren't you?

ForGreyKoala · 07/08/2024 06:36

Wow, so you remembered her birthday and somehow thinks that makes you Friend of the Year, even though you haven't bothered with her any other time.

Maybe she has moved on and found a real friend.

Ilovecleaning · 07/08/2024 06:46

itriedmybest · 06/08/2024 23:23

Messaged received, one and all. Consider me suitably chided. No need for further responses, thank you.

But you’re going to get more responses. Clearly, you think you have nothing wrong.

sofaofchange · 07/08/2024 06:48

It seems as though there is nothing I can say? I'm the devil incarnate and her behaviour at this difficult time is perfectly ok

You arent the devil, dont be silly. But there is plenty you could say. You could apologise to your friend for not being there for her when she needed your support but you were too "busy", you could thank her for all the times she's supported you which you admit she has done and tell her how much you appreciate her. You could go round and knock on her door which is what you seem to expect her to do but dont apply the same standard to yourself.

Lots of things you could say or do if you truly care about her.

But my guess is you wont do any of those.

Bonjovispjs · 07/08/2024 06:49

Glad you're not my friend, well, you'd be my ex friend now as I wouldn't be bothering with you either, you're so self centred and you can't even see it.

Likewhatever · 07/08/2024 07:06

I think your grief is influencing your feelings about your friend. She’s treated you exactly as you treated her, so if you fell let down by her you have to acknowledge you let her down too. It might help you to give some thought to what maintaining a friendship looks like to you, what your expectations are of them and what you contribute. Friendships are reciprocal relationships, you need to do your bit too..

Her birthday was not the time to share your loss. Turn to other friends for comfort and make your peace with this one at a later stage.

I’m very sorry for your loss 💐

Ifyouinsistthen · 07/08/2024 07:07

You should edit the title of this post to “I have let down my friend”. As PP have said, I’m sorry for your loss but you have not been a good friend. I appreciate you’re grieving but you come across as unreasonable, lacking in awareness and entitled. Your “friendship” sounds very one sided.

If your friend had shared her experience on MN I am sure most would advise her to step away from the friendship, which it sounds like she has done. Focus on properly grieving your parent and then work on being a better friend in the future - FWIW I think this friendship is over so take it as a lesson and move on.