I feel let down by my friend, AIBU?

[itriedmybest]

Brief background....friends for well over a decade via kids

Saw a lot of each other but drifted since covid but still in regular contact. Would meet for walks maybe every 3-6 months and have a good catchup.

I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did).

About a year ago I'm aware she split with her DH - don't know the details, she did tell me it had happened but again she messaged me, things were hectic, I had a lot going on personally and didn't respond beyond a general lets get together soon.

I will say here that she was very supportive when I divorced several years ago and always had a listening ear available. But at the time of her message I had a lot going on personally, an she didn't message me to get together soon.

Anyway, I lost a parent about 6 weeks ago, it was a rapidly escalating illness so although not entirely unexpected still hit us out of the blue, I'm still reeling.

Realised last week it was friend's birthday. So I messaged her on the day wishing her a very happy birthday and explaining that parent had passed away, still finding it very hard and asking if she'd like to meet up.

She hasn't replied, which I find very out of character. I feel hurt but I am not sure what my next move should be. How do you proceed if a friend has failed to acknowledge an even like this? AIBU to feel as upset as I do? I'm wondering if this is part of the grief rather than about her in particular.

If you still want to be friends, accept that she may not have wanted to engage on such a negative topic when she was presumably trying to enjoy her birthday. I'm sorry, but I selfishly don't want people's sadness intruding on my moments of joy. It could have waited.

Maybe she could have been a better friend, but so could you. Accept that neither of you is perfect, and try to pick it up again when you're feeling less vulnerable.

Could she be upset that it took 5 weeks to tell her your news? Did she know your family member who had passed?

I'm sorry OP but I think you've been terribly selfish and it speaks to your self-absorption that you're continuing to feel bad for yourself when everyone here is telling you that you're wrong.

Sorry but I think reading your original post, it sounds like you’ve been the friend that has let her down and she’s given up.

Sorry for your loss op.

I got divorced recently after separating during the pandemic. Unfortunately quite a few married friends have drifted since. It was also my birthday recently. If someone who I hadn't heard from since the divorce suddenly messaged on my birthday saying happy birthday and telling me their parent died, I wouldn't know what to say really. It would strike me as quite out of the blue and I'd be questioning their motives. Why get back in touch now?

It sounds like you have naturally drifted but are trying to get back to the closeness you had before, but for your benefit only (sorry). I have one or two friends that I've managed to successfully reconnect with after many years, but generally speaking I think being able to do that is quite unusual and you have to have had a very strong connection. Also you can't really force it, it has to happen naturally

A marriage break up can be just as hard as a death actually. You asked for peoples view points. They have told you. No point not telling you the truth. You were a shit friend to her. Don't expect her to be there for you now You are very self centred if you can't realise this.

Sorry for your loss.

you have been a bad friend to her and she has quietly stepped back and now your have reached out with what is really a deception. You’re not wishing her a happy birthday. You’re telling her you need her and your parent has passed. That’s not friendship that’s a transaction.

it’s a very hard time for you, obviously but you have let her down badly. A birthday wish wrapped up in a bereavement notice is highly manipulative.

You didnt reach out when she split from her husband! No wonder she has not replied...

You're being very self absorbed. Grief can make you selfish - in that you feel the pain you have trumps anyone else's.

She was there for you, you haven't been there for her.

Thinking this must be a reverse!

Am I understanding correctly that you messaged her that on her birthday. What does that even look like?

‘happy birthday friend, sorry ignored you for ages but my mum died last week. Anyway happy birthday 🥳’!!

Then expecting her to follow up with you after that. I wouldn’t personally. Sorry for your loss but you haven’t been a good friend so you’ve probably lost this one.

"I find my phone overwhelming so admittedly sometimes would not respond when she messaged, but she knows where I am and could always call or knock if I didn't respond to a message (though never did)."

Sorry for your loss.
I'm not sure about anyone else - but if a friend ignores my messages, the last thing I would feel to do is knock on their house?? OP you cannot post on here and just expect complete agreement. Everyone sympathises with your loss but you will get no agreement with the way you've treated your friend. I'm gonna put a little twist on this. The death of a parent is a huge thing. I do think ignoring it is quite low, even if she is upset with you. Even just a 'I'm so sorry' would be acceptable in this case. She doesn't even have to offer a chat if she is pissed off with you. Are you sure she's ok and actually received/read the msg?

You’ve been a terrible friend.

Sorry for your loss, but it doesn’t excuse your behaviour toward your friend. You want to take take take from her and give nothing in return.

It sounds like she’s given up and decided to let the friendship go which is completely understandable.

You seem to desire and feel entitled to the care and attention that you would not yourself grant this friend. You ignored many of her messages. No one is so busy they can’t reply to someone who matters to them.

I have also dumped ‘friends’ like you.
Perhaps Google some videos on self awareness and use these responses to grow so you don’t do this to other people in your life.

But she hadn't just lost a parent when she was a shitty friend when her friend needed support during a divorce. Being recently bereaved doesn't change the fact that she's been a crap friend, and seems to completely lack any self awareness of that. It is t what op wants to hear but she's reaping what she's sown.

@itriedmybest In your friend’s eyes, I would say you are a fair weather friend. I don’t think you mean it intentionally but your friend sounds like she has, for quite a while, been the more supportive one in your friendship. Sometimes it’s hard work always being the crutch rather than having someone to lean on. Unless you recognise your friend feels a bit neglected it’s going to be difficult to smooth the situation over. I’m sorry to hear about your dad and I hope you find some support to help you move forward with your grief.

No, someone already before you.

There's always people in every thread calling a reverse, my let peeve 😆💐

OP, I think she must've felt very hurt when you weren't supporting her through her divorce like she did for you. I don't think she'll be coming back.

So sorry about your loss 💐

You ignored her divorce
She's returning the same energy

This one's on you, you screwed up by ignoring her.

Such a flounce! You sound like hard work @itriedmybest

She messaged about her split from her DH, a traumatic event that you have been through and should empathise with. You were rude, dismissive and now because it suits you to need her support you are pissed off that she has treated you with the same contempt you showed her.

No one is saying losing a parent isn't tough, but you treated her appallingly but are conveniently ignoring that but because it doesn't fit your narrative.

It's not an AIBU issue, it's a "you acted like a cow" issue.

65 (similar) posts in and I suspect the OP has got the message.

Sorry for your loss OP. Hope you make it right with her and get your friendship back on track.

It doesn't matter what forum you've posted in, you'd get the same responses. You've been a shit friend.

OP, when you feel a bit more settled after such a rough time, reach out to her again. Ask to meet and see if the friendship can be saved.

Unfortunately you can't be surprised if she doesn't reciprocate. You ignored a huge event in her life for about a year. You still don't even know the details of her divorce. She could have gone through hell and back (cheating, OW, domestic/mental/financial abuse, pregnancy) and her friend abandoned her.

100%. Your self awareness and understanding seem seriously lacking. Everyone’s busy. It’s not a great excuse

But your post is about a longterm friendship, not a bereavement. That doesn’t let you off the hook for your behaviour which predated that death.

As you said , you know where she is , you could knock .

making pathetic excuses - wahh wahh my phone is is too overwhelming. Grow up and don’t be surprised when she tells you to go away

She has probably re-evaluated the friendship after you ignored her messages and chosen to move on. It is understandable.