To feel uncomfortable with groom's speech at his wedding?

[Dygger]

My cousin's son married his girlfriend of 12 years at the weekend and my partner and I were invited. During his speech at the reception the groom made a number of 'jokes' about being forced unwillingly into marriage. They weren't very funny or clearly ironic. There wasn't much tenderness or love emanating from him. The main topic of his speech was how he hadn't wanted to marry but she did and so here he was with his arm twisted behind his back. His friends (he plays football and there were a lot of football friends there) thought it was hilarious. He said something along the lines of 'I know you're all expecting me to tell you how much I love Katie, but we've lived together for 12 years and so neither of us have any illusions about each other.' She seemed a bit subdued. Her speech was very short but she did say she loved him 'despite everything' which got a laugh. It was all rather unsettling and created a strange atmosphere. We left as soon as we politely could.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Did your own husbands say anything really inappropriate in their wedding speeches? I'm trying to understand why he did it. He's an English teacher, so he's someone who knows words matter.

That's a shame
Sounds like she's settled. Hopefully she's married the twat so she can get a load of money off him when they divorce. I think it's such a shame when women settle.

I would have been heartbroken although some couples do have that humour/dynamic. It depends if she finds it funny or not. I guess not based on your description unless she was just overwhelmed by the day.
Years back my partner made a very misjudged speech at his brother's wedding along those sorts of lines, how awful it was for his poor brother etc. He was 100% joking but neither brother or SIL were amused. He realised pretty much straight away he'd completely misread the mood and always regretted it.

I think the perceived pressure to be funny coupled with lack of experience of public speaking can result in some terribly misjudged speeches.

It's grim and disrespectful not only to the bride, but her family and the guests.

I don't want to pay to attend a wedding where a person clearly didn't want to get married.

Reads to me like he's been given an ultimatum and this is his way of saying "you got the wedding you wanted but I'm not going to let you enjoy it".

Doesn't say much for his character.

Hopefully they figure out it’s doomed before they bring kids into the mix. Imagine watching your mum for years just quietly smiling at all dad’s jokes about how miserable he is (probably wondering why she settled for such a douchbag) and feeling the resentment of your dad on your shoulders for “trapping” him in a family. Ive never personally witnessed this at a wedding but I’ve seen clips and the bride (and her family) never seem to be smiling at this “humour”. How depressing.

Big red flag - here was his one chance to say in front of everyone how much he loved her. He played to his mates - and that might be the script for their marriage.
It would be good if there was a significant male in the family - brother, uncle, father who has a word ( and yes that might sound sexist but knuckleheads are more likely to listen to a male)

As for him being an English teacher - doesn’t mean he knows the power of words. Some such men think they are so thing they are not

I feel sorry for the bride

Yes, we spoke to several members of the bride's family and I think they were quite upset by it. Everyone was trying to be polite but it certainly put a huge dampener on proceedings.

A couple of years ago we went to another wedding on my partner's side of the family and the young couple were clearly absolutely besotted with each other and the groom made the most heartfelt speech and reduce many of us to tears. This was such a contrast.

God I hate this. All the "hilarious" jokes about being forced into it, and then when someone catches the bouquet the boyfriend goes running for the hills.

It might be in jest, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth when stats show that married men live better and longer than married women, and I think we all know why.

The only weddings I've been to the grooms have talked about how much they adore their new wives and how lucky they feel that she chose them. Was her dad there? I'm wondering if that might have made him hold his tongue a bit more?

It sounds like your relation is being forced into marriage against his will, are there cultural or religious factors ? Is there any chance he is being abused ? Perhaps it might be worth speaking to him quietly to see if he needs help.

That's sad.

Most males speeches/jokes at weddings are ripped straight from the internet hence you hear the same corny "jokes" time and time again. I'm always surprised so many people laugh so hard, perhaps they're just entering into the spirit of it. So its best not to take them as heartfelt.

Best man classic... I'm about to give the groom the most uncomfortable 10 minutes of his life with this speech. The brides most uncomfortable 10 minutes will come later when John consummates his marriage to her. Euurrrrggh.

I've been to at least two weddings where the father of the bride's speech has been "humorous" towards his daughter in a very disparaging and to me uncomfortable way. They were both successful, lovely women but their dads really put them down (in a kind of "what is she like?!" way) which I found really bizarre.

No cultural or religious factors. He's a very confident, footie-playing teacher who's appearing in a play at the Edinburgh Festival next week — loads of friends and activities and time spent away from his wife doing his own thing. No pressure from family to marry. He could have walked away from her at any time in the last 12 years and no one would have said anything.

Not at the actual wedding but my (now ex) dh posted the wedding photos on his facebook under the album name “the day my ball and chain was fitted” - 😳 I mean, he obviously meant it as a joke but it’s just not nice is it? All his work mates found it hilarious. We lasted 2 years after that! (He left me for an ex he’d reconnected with on Facebook)!

Victims of abuse don't find it easy to just walk away and can often put on a good face when out in public. Particularly so for men who have more or less zero in terms of support and advice when being abused by a female partner and are often ridiculed for it.

Maybe he was just being an arse, but is it worth a chat with him anyway ? He may not open up - but if he knows he has at least one family member that cares it may give an escape route in the future.
Either he does need help or he needs to see that what he did was pretty awful.

Trying to be positive - maybe after being together for 12 years that's the sort of bantering relationship they have?!
I sometimes find the heartfelt declarations of love in speeches a bit cringey.

Sounds to me like she gave him some form of ultimatum. Never a good idea.

I went to a wedding once were he did a speech saying when he first kissed his wife, he thought she had braces as she was a terrible kisser and kept clashing with his teeth!

I was so embarrassed for the bride.

I am loving the idea of the OP having a quiet word with him, so that he knows that his speech came across as a cry for help

Re a pp, I don't think many abused people feel confident enough to stand up in front of their family & friends and declare/'joke' that they are being forced into doing something.. usually the repercussions (from abuser) and shame keep abused people from talking about or seeking help so it seems unlikely that's the scenario here?

It seems more likely that the person she's marrying is a prick and thought the wedding was his time to make a statement to his friends that he's still a lads lad and being 'tied down' won't change him, he won't miss a match or pub trip etc etc

I went to a wedding with a very similar dynamic, majority of guests were his friends, his speech was almost all about how much fun the stag do was. It was very sobering.

My husband made a joke about me being the one wanting to get married but it was funny and still loving. I think he said something like “I asked Salt to marry me for many reasons: she’s funny, she’s beautiful: she’s clever…and of course because she told me I had to”. He then linked it into talking about our relationship and how he knows I am generally the “get things done” person and how he loves that about me and we complement each other because he likes to think things through.

The rest of this speech talked about how we met, how our relationship had gone from strength to strength and how much he loves me.

Jokes are only funny if everyone is laughing and if you have to caveat your love for each other then it immediately raises red flags.

They're just jokes. Bad ones. Has nobody ever been to a wedding where the jokes were cut and paste ones?

Hopefully it was completely tongue and cheek and he just misjudged it. Seems unlikely though.

Oh come on, it’s very clear this man is not being abused into marriage. And that’s not to minimise domestic abuse that men suffer which is very real.

I agree that's the most likely, but maybe he is being abused. Either way, surely it's worth a chat to find out ?

If the OP ignores this and just assumes he behaved poorly without good reason -- and it turns out that her family member is suffering, she might not think well of herself for not bothering to at least have a chat.