To feel uncomfortable with groom's speech at his wedding?

[Dygger]

My cousin's son married his girlfriend of 12 years at the weekend and my partner and I were invited. During his speech at the reception the groom made a number of 'jokes' about being forced unwillingly into marriage. They weren't very funny or clearly ironic. There wasn't much tenderness or love emanating from him. The main topic of his speech was how he hadn't wanted to marry but she did and so here he was with his arm twisted behind his back. His friends (he plays football and there were a lot of football friends there) thought it was hilarious. He said something along the lines of 'I know you're all expecting me to tell you how much I love Katie, but we've lived together for 12 years and so neither of us have any illusions about each other.' She seemed a bit subdued. Her speech was very short but she did say she loved him 'despite everything' which got a laugh. It was all rather unsettling and created a strange atmosphere. We left as soon as we politely could.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Did your own husbands say anything really inappropriate in their wedding speeches? I'm trying to understand why he did it. He's an English teacher, so he's someone who knows words matter.

I don’t think they’ve succeed in winding anyone up, we all have eyes, we all know men leave women who have had children too, we all know women leave relationships more often than men, we all know there’s nothing wrong with not getting married a month into a relationship etc, they’re just making themselves look thick.

Widowed people and betrayed people I did not mean, I don't class this as giggly dating, they are looking for a spouse, it is serious. I meant elderly dating, when they still think they are 'hot', and are a 'catch'. Dating-dating I meant, not looking for a spouse.

Sorry, but seriously, how do you know he is not a dad? It is not like us, women.

Some people are just crap at speeches. You’re thinking about it too much.

Ha! You could say the same about any man, so I guess you’re suggesting we all become lesbians? I’m not sure how getting married or having children would make any difference to that possibility either, it’s not a magic spell

Widowed people and betrayed people I did not mean, I don't class this as giggly dating, they are looking for a spouse, it is serious. I meant elderly dating, when they still think they are 'hot', and are a 'catch'. Dating-dating I meant, not looking for a spouse.

@EI12 but isn't all dating "dating -dating" as you put it to start with? In order to find a serious relationship, you need to hunt your way through the "giggly dating" whatever that is.

how old are you classing as elderly?
there probably are older people who are single and think of themselves as a catch but may actually be a catch depending on what you are after. Status and wealth can be as appealing as a hot young body.

You are absolutely right, I will say the same about my father, about my husband, about my brother.

Groom sounds like a selfish asshole. My SS ruined his own wedding by getting blind drunk and passing out, it was just awful. He was too immature to get married but this groom doesn’t even have that excuse.

Goodness, how tragic about the brother but also how sad they couldn't find a way to see the joy in the occasion without feeling guilty about him not being there.

I wasn't there myself but it reminds me of a wedding my DP went to before we met of some friends. The bride's sister had sadly died as a child and the father apparently made his speech all about her instead of the bride. Apparently this was a reflection of her entire childhood and their house which was a shrine to the present day. I've never once seen that lady smile or look cheerful (DP told me the above details when I commented on this as I wondered whether I had offended her).

I wasn’t at the wedding, a friend was.

The groom, wearing a kilt, during his speech said everyone keeps asking ‘what’s the tartan?’ He said ‘that’s her in the white’. That wasn’t even the worst one to be honest.

Everyone thought it was hilarious including the bride/brides family. So everyone’s different.

To be honest I’m more uncomfortable with gushing speeches.

Whatever. I have very little sympathy for grown women who put their desire to have children above the welfare of those children. She wasn't forced down the aisle. She chose this man to be her husband and father of her future children.

That’s a very very old joke and gets said at almost every occasion where men wear kilts. No one takes that as an insult. It’s met with a laughing groan of “oh, that old joke.”

We didn't have speeches as I find them tacky but I would much rather see banter than so fake cringe 'love bomb' gushing, awkwardly read love song lyrics that mean nothing and crying weirdness... its a wedding not a funeral.

I have never seen a wedding speech in real life that wasn't based around jokes like that. The classic cliched 'Mr. right and Mrs. Always right' and 'bride finally tied him down' and 'look at them holding hands, its the last time he'll have the upper hand' etc... its certainly not 'unusual'.

More to the point its probably just true, if you live together 12 years (likely together a few years longer before living together) your clearly pretty solid and settled in your relationship. You are not in the bloody honeymoon phase of sucking face and fawning over each other like horny teens anymore, its disingenuous to pretend and looks stupid.

I went to a wedding 15 years ago where the groom spoke repeatedly and at length about the deep bond and depth of his love...

... for his best man.

Bride didn't get much of a mention but smiled in an uncomfortable way - the way a mother would at a little kid. Indulgently.

I felt so sorry for her.

They are still together.

I can imagine the situation based on the many realtionships threads we get on here:
Living together for many years, no sign of marriage, women waiting, getting upset, man not bothered as already has all he wants, it becomes a source of tension and conflict, he eventually agrees because she's getting so upset and she plans a wedding: you can then imagone at the wedding he may be ambivalent and 'joke' about how he's been pushed into it.
Becuase he kind of has.

It's a posiible consequence of these long live in relationships before marraige which then make weddings feel irrelevant, or soemthing a man 'has to do' to keep the women happy.

These threads are on here daily.

It doesn't make it OK though, it's a shitty way to treat someone you are suposed to love. Keep your 'banter' for private occasions, public events should show respect even if you are not a super lovey type.

This is the issue with waiting 12 years. Whilst you still love each other, you go way beyond that ‘loves young dream’ phase once kids and everything else comes along. My husband gave a great speech at our wedding, would he be quite so gushing 20 years later now I’m two stone heavier and constantly knackered? Probs not.

Sounds like she nagged and nagged and he succumbed. Least he was honest I spose.

For sure, it’s a hacky old joke. But people loved it.

Not all speeches have to be declaring undying love for one another

In my experience, whenever I go to a wedding and you can see the lack of love and excitement, they get divorced.

Every wedding that left me feeling “huh?”, they’ve been divorced within five years.

My DM gave a speech at my wedding in lieu of NC DF and it’s one of my biggest regrets in my life. She utterly humiliated me in front of our 80 guests, no one laughed, and later several guests came up to me to ask if I was ok. Some of DH’s friends later asked him WTAF was that all about. Became NC with her a few days later due to other reasons but she didn’t give a shit about what she’d done.

In contrast a couple of years ago we went to DH’s friend’s DD’s wedding and his friend gave a wonderful speech, albeit a bit too long. He had managed to get it just right and I said to DH why couldn’t my DM just stand up and give a toast and leave it at that.

I went to a wedding where the groom's speech was definitely aimed at his 'mates'. It was all in jokes about them and their history and he 'joked' about how he pretended he liked his new wife coming out 'with the boys' when he didn't really.

Weirdly her fathers speech was then mostly about the groom and his mates too and he hardly mentioned his daughter. The whole thing was like one big Lads Love In.

I really felt for the bride. Weddings and speeches are usually mostly focused on the bride but she seemed like an afterthought after all the groom/ best man/ father of the bride Bants. It was like she was invisible.

She left him a few years later.

That's rather depressing.
Even if decent, marriages are hugely overrated.

I wouldn't want to marry someone who thought it was amusing to say that, even if I truly had more or less pushed him to make a commitment.

Aside from anything else, it's in poor taste to make your guests sit through such a cringe-worthy situation. I dislike wedding speeches in general. I get second-hand anxiety watching them, unless the person speaking is a natural. Most people are not!

This was me growing up, it was grim. Hopefully they'll get divorced before too long.

AngelinaFibres 😱

1 & 2 are particularly horrid.

Genuinely, I know nothing about "the stalking."

I'm off to look it up.