To feel uncomfortable with groom's speech at his wedding?

[Dygger]

My cousin's son married his girlfriend of 12 years at the weekend and my partner and I were invited. During his speech at the reception the groom made a number of 'jokes' about being forced unwillingly into marriage. They weren't very funny or clearly ironic. There wasn't much tenderness or love emanating from him. The main topic of his speech was how he hadn't wanted to marry but she did and so here he was with his arm twisted behind his back. His friends (he plays football and there were a lot of football friends there) thought it was hilarious. He said something along the lines of 'I know you're all expecting me to tell you how much I love Katie, but we've lived together for 12 years and so neither of us have any illusions about each other.' She seemed a bit subdued. Her speech was very short but she did say she loved him 'despite everything' which got a laugh. It was all rather unsettling and created a strange atmosphere. We left as soon as we politely could.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Did your own husbands say anything really inappropriate in their wedding speeches? I'm trying to understand why he did it. He's an English teacher, so he's someone who knows words matter.

That was my dad's awful speech. It really struck the wrong note because we were young and very well suited and in love. Our friends were also mid twenties and it felt a really optimistic time.
I love weddings, we have so much sadness in life that a wedding to just a positive statement, even if it's a fresh start.

Just had our silver wedding, still together, well suited, moderately in love.

I actually didn't feel able to talk at my dad's funeral and I can't say I miss his 'wisdom'. He had one chance, to just say thank you and wish us well and he decided to go bitchy.
I decided that his funeral would take up to much emotional bandwidth of feelings, social obligations and boundaries and so side stepped it.

The third was dry and cynical, no lovey stuff, nothing about how beautiful the bride was, very much a "we're here because it's the done thing" kind of speech. They're still together 20+ years later, very happy, absolutely solid couple, basically made for each other.

This wasn't dry and cynical. It was mainly 'ball and chain' stuff: playing up to the very old-fashioned view that getting married spells the end of his life as a free man. That after 12 years together, she'd finally managed to pin him down. It was like something from the 1950s.

There's a huge difference between that and the wry, clever, deliberately understated kind of speech you refer to, where the warmth of feeling shines through. There wasn't much warmth of feeling here.

The awful thing is not what he said, but what she did - she was happy to be his fuck buddy for 12 years without a commitment from him - so why does he have to afford her any respect? Seriously. I am speaking from own bitter experience. I wish I knew then what I know now. And most likely he was telling the truth, and it always hurts. If he wanted her, he would have proposed after 1 month. If you meet that rare person and you are really in love, you don't muck them around for 12 years. It applies to animate and inanimate objects - if you want something in an antique shop, you grab it and buy it because it is unique, you don't put it down for 12 years and expect it to be there if it is really valuable.

Sounds like he should be grateful one woman wants to marry him. Total wanker.

This thread is incredibly identifying…

Long time friend's wedding - didn't really like the bride. Couldn't put my finger on why but she seemed off. At the speeches - the father of the bridge gave a talk and it was extremely creepy - all about his daughter, how much he loved her, what they used to do together hobbies etc - no mention of wider family - his wife, his other children or the groom or his grandchild. It was totally odd and gave me the ick.

They split up a couple of years later - she went full psycho and took the children and won't let him see them. She really did a number on him.

Ugh it's just toxic masculinity shite from pathetic men. But for reasons I'll never understand, women still choose these immature cretins for partners. So don't feel bad for her, she knew what she was getting. Instead be grateful to her for keeping him out of the dating pool.

Yes I have. It was awful.
They'd been housemates and she'd always had a thing for him, but he'd been with someone else who dumped him. He sort of "gave it a go" with the housemate and they got married. .

Both his speech and his best man's (his brother) were about how "Lucy couldn't wait to get her claws into me" etc
It was horrendous and really humiliating for the bride.
It seems that was a pretty standard "joke" but not funny!

They are still together but it was horrible.

YANBU… there’s a time and place.

not quite the same but…

I went to a wedding where the grooms oldest brother died in Afghanistan 15 years previously

the best man speech given by the middle brother was basically “X would have loved to be here today and then talked at length about the dead brother for 15 mins.

the groom’s father then gave us a “wedding speech” which was just a 20 minute biography of the dead brother including a run down of the day leading up to his death

then the groom stood up and we thought thank fuck…

he opened with “I love my bride because she is fearless, humble, kind etc…. All qualities she shares with my brother and that’s why I fell in love with her 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
and then proceeded to talk about his brother for 15 mins”

the family are clearly deeply affected by his death and stuck in some kind of trauma loop but it was awful to watch at a 100 person plus wedding and I felt so so soooo sorry for the bride
her MIL was just sat openly crying for an hour and her parents looked incredibly uncomfortable

Wow. Go back to the 1800s.

Women who have sex with men outside of marriage are not fuck buddies, we are not giving it away. We deserve respect. We are doing nothing wrong.

How dare you speak about women as if they are property, or something to be used if not in a marriage then what… we’re worthless? Used up because we had sex?

How disgusting of you.

The lovely, naive, straight comment. The number of idiotic women hanging around for 2, 4, 12, and even 17 years waiting for a proposal.... Identifying, my proverbial....

My Dad drank about 4 bottles of wine before he did his speech and failed to say anything remotely nice about me, just jokes about me running away to the circus (because I left home at 17 to get away from the giant pisshead and my enabling mother).

People laughed along. So did I, at the time, I was in my 20s and didn't know better.

We're no contact now.

YANBU, op, if someone tells you who they are believe them.

He’s hardly a young lad is he? As an experienced English teacher, he knows how to deliver a speech and play to a crowd.
If he wanted to say stuff like this he should have saved it for the stag night.
Sounds like making his mates laugh was his priority.
I think so many are now influenced now by this trend for roasting - getting laughs from insulting someone sitting right in front of him.
If only she could have asked - is it my turn now? Because that’s a speech I’m now here for.
Also what a delight in terms of standards he’s setting for his pupils and future kids. I know it might not feel that serious but it was supposed to be their day, not his, and he’s not given a toss if he has made friends and relatives feel a sense of unease.
When you think with all of the knowledge he has from the literary world and that’s the best he could come up with?
Uninspiring.

UK wedding speeches are horrible at the best of times. Somehow people think it is OK to be jovially rude - it is not. It was inappropriately glorified in 4 weddings and a funeral. People try to outdo each other in their chirpy rudeness. It is uniquely British, I think. Actually, flippant attitude to public speaking and persiflage seem to be the norm with us, and it is embarrassing. Ah, and the fake praise too, it is uniquely British - like when Prince Charles said 'we are lucky to have her' in his speech at William's wedding, when everyone knew about the stalking, etc.

Worst speeches I've heard were at a recent wedding where the groom started his speech with 'Thanks for coming ladies and gentlemen, now before things kick off let's first address the elephant in the room......hi, brides mother!

And then his 'best woman' decided to tell a lovely story about how he originally tried it on with one of the bridesmaids but wasn't it lucky she'd knocked him back as he ended up with the bride instead.

I know they'd say it was all in humour but there were so many shocked faces, it made a really weird atmosphere.

So upsetting for the bride and her family; the groom sounds very immature and trying to make a point to his football mates.

Why do you think they are waiting around for a proposal?

Your focus may have been desperately zoned in on getting a ring but… a lot of modern women don’t want or need the ring.

I left the guy who proposed to me, because I don’t want marriage. No. And he didn’t want to keep going without marriage, so it ended.

I am very happy in my relationship without a ring, thanks. I’m not waiting around hoping he will propose or whatever it is you think women are doing.

I’m sorry if you were waiting for one and he never proposed, but that was your choice. Don’t put your standards onto us, thanks.

What? I was with DH for 13 years before we got married. We married because we wanted to start a family and I wanted to marry first. We still have a rock solid marriage 31 years later. How do we fit into your theory, I wonder?
Don't bother replying - I'm not really interested in your views.

I went to a uni friend's wedding when she was 24...very much the same vibe and he point blank refused to say "I love you"...I'd actually think it was the same groom from your wording tbh!

Anyway, the marriage only lasted 18 months. He'd been cheating the whole time. Awful man, really sad wedding. She deserved a lot better.

My ex-husband did much the same at our wedding. He actually left me stood outside the registry office, talking to guests, while he wandered off with his friends to the reception venue ( a hotel just down the road). I happened to look over and saw them disappearing, and thought 'oh he'll realise I'm not with them and come back'....and he didn't. I had to walk into my wedding reception on my own. 'Luckily' my wedding dress wasn't a traditional colour so other hotel guests probably thought I was a bridesmaid...23 years later I can still remember how upset and embarrassed I was!

We'd been together 6 years before we married and my ex always used to 'joke' that he married me to 'shut me up about it'... I never found it funny. Like this groom, he didn't say one good word about me in his speech. He also sulked for the first hour because he didn't like the way his mother had arranged the tables...to the point where I had to hiss under my breath 'it's your wedding, you are supposed to look happy!' because other guests were giving him the side eye due to the slapped arse look he had on his face...

We were married 9 years. I left when I was 40. Wasted a total of 15 years on him. Instead of getting married, we should have split up.

Mmm there's a bit of projection here. How do you know the speech was "wry, clever, deliberately understated" - PP doesn't describe the speech in any of those terms, and doesn't refer to 'warmth of feeling' either. It seems like you just want everyone to pile on the groom for some reason. No it doesn't sound funny, nor particularly original, but it was 10 minutes of his whole life.

@Dygger heading to Edinburgh festival (with my husband and our son) - FWIW, my husband ripped the piss out of me gently in his speech but closed on “Piglet - you make my day, every day”. Bit cheesy, but quite sweet. 9 years married this month.

He sounds like an arrogant arsehole. What play’s he in? Rotten tomatoes should be easy to get hold of in preparation for my attendance.

I've been with my partner for 23 years and because we met later in life and don't have children we haven't bothered to get married. I don't regard myself as merely a fuck buddy, as you put it. What a horrible transactional view of relationships. We've outlasted many friend's marriages and have reached the stage where we'll probably have to get married to avoid Inheritance Tax — but if it wasn't for that we wouldn't bother.

My guess is that the couple I'm talking about have reached the age where decisions need to be made regarding children (they're 33 + 34) and she has said she wants to be married before getting pregnant. Which probably, according to @Findwen consititutes forced marriage and abuse, but to most of Mumsnet would constitute good sense.

This can’t be a serious post, surely? He sounds like your common or garden arsehole.

When you think with all of the knowledge he has from the literary world and that’s the best he could come up with?

Yes, knowing his interest in literature and acting I was expecting a Shakespearian sonnet or a contemporary love poem or something. I think that was why it seemed so unpleasant. There are some people you could just shrug it off and think they didn't know any better, but he does.