To feel uncomfortable with groom's speech at his wedding?

[Dygger]

My cousin's son married his girlfriend of 12 years at the weekend and my partner and I were invited. During his speech at the reception the groom made a number of 'jokes' about being forced unwillingly into marriage. They weren't very funny or clearly ironic. There wasn't much tenderness or love emanating from him. The main topic of his speech was how he hadn't wanted to marry but she did and so here he was with his arm twisted behind his back. His friends (he plays football and there were a lot of football friends there) thought it was hilarious. He said something along the lines of 'I know you're all expecting me to tell you how much I love Katie, but we've lived together for 12 years and so neither of us have any illusions about each other.' She seemed a bit subdued. Her speech was very short but she did say she loved him 'despite everything' which got a laugh. It was all rather unsettling and created a strange atmosphere. We left as soon as we politely could.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Did your own husbands say anything really inappropriate in their wedding speeches? I'm trying to understand why he did it. He's an English teacher, so he's someone who knows words matter.

Awful! My DH's speech was very jokey but it was very good humoured and he was taking the mick out of himself not me. Never ever heard a groom make snide digs at the bride before. Not promising for their future.

Sounds like the sort of man who relishes - or will soon relish - talking about 'the wife' to his mates down the pub.

That's sad. Maybe she issued some kind of ultimatum, 12 years is a long time not to be married if it's something you want, but that doesn't excuse it. If he didn't want to get married, he should have made it clear beforehand, at discussion stage.

I fear the bride has made a big mistake.

I was at the wedding of an ex-friend years ago which was uncomfortable like this. There was a whole history, which she was completely at fault for, and his parents didn't attend the wedding. She stood up to make a speech before dinner and went on a rant about people not turning up, and that she didn't care as they didn't matter anyway etc. It was awful!

Not surprising, they were split up within a year and a half.

Ouch. Poor bride.

So he finally gave up thinking someone better was going to come along. And she had sunk too much time into getting him down the aisle she didn’t care that he was bit meh about it all. Embarrassing he made it so public though.

I think that's actually a brilliant idea. I doubt he is being abused. He is most probably just being an arsehole. However, asking him if he is facing abuse might show him how unacceptable and unpleasant his words were.

I've heard some fairly boring speeches (normally father of the bride who goes off on a weird tangent) but never one like that from the groom! What was he thinking?!

My dad did this. He expressed his gratitude that my new husband had taken me off his hands (I'd been living away from home for over 11 years by then and supporting myself). I've never forgotten it and it still hurts and cemented what my parents really thought about me. They had obviously never taken on board the expression that if you can't say anything nice, say nothing! My dad also used to say 'poor chap' whenever someone got married. I think it impacted on my view of relationships.

Even worse if the groom says something disparaging.

At a wedding of a lovely, amazing uni friend marrying a bloke we all thought was a total knob.....he stood up and said, I know you think I am a bit of a knob and not really worthy of XXXX, well you're right, but I'm going to do everything in my power every day to love her, cherish her, and show you I'm capable of looking after her as I agree, she's an absolute catch.
I still think he's a bit of a knob, but much less so, as nearly two decades on they are still together and still happy.
It was an eyecatching speech.

Its hard to know - i agree i hate wedding speeches that are supposed to be funny like that - they are just cringe. 🙄 One wedding i was at during the best mans speech he made a joke abut her back door no longer being available anymore, then about 5 lads got up around us and proceeded to drop a key back up tp her - the back door key - thought it was shocking. Similar at another wedding spoke about stag etc. Another one we were at the Father of bride went on for 20 mins about how wonderful his daughter was 😆and it was before dinner was served so everyone was really fed up and starving - Speeches should be short and sweet and be complimentary to the bride bridesmaids etc and welcome to the family then toast to enjoy the day maybe a few nice stories thrown in thats all

My husband's groom speech was terrible, to this point a friend made a joke about it in his own wedding speech! He's just not comfortable with public speaking. He didn't make many jokes at my expense, but a few friends did comment after that he didn't particularly say anything nice/special about me either. However, we're very happy and had a lovely wedding day, speech aside!

Time will tell OP, I don't think anyone knows from your description whether it's a red flag or just a poorly judged speech.

I went to my mum's mates daughters wedding as my mum's plus one. It was a ridiculously lavish affair, enormous church, five star hotel, champagne flowing endlessly, three course table service meal for a couple of hundred people!
The bride looked stunning in both her very expensive dresses.
When the groom did his speech, the main crux of it was a story about how the bride didn't even want to go out with him until she found out how much money he earned, and that he had to bribe her to marry him. He was trying to say he was punching but it just sounded like he was calling her a gold-digger! He wasn't the most attractive guy on earth so there may have been an element of truth there, but still?! All his mates roared with laughter and we made our exit shortly afterwards!

How awful. Banter was traditionally in the Best man's speech.

The groom should be self effacing and pay honour to his bride not demean and humiliate her.

I've never paid any attention to any wedding speeches, I didn't realise that people actually listened to them. So no idea what's normal tbh.

Sympathies OP, I've been to a couple of weddings like this and it's so uncomfortable.

In one, not only was the groom's speech similar to the one you describe but the father of the bride made several unkind references to his daughter's weight :( and as part of this, said that his wife giving birth to the daughter/bride was like 'threading a cannonball through a needle'. The wife was just stood beside smiling glumly and didn't speak.

Really disrespectful, I thought, and very sad too

I'm thinking about the many weddings I went to in my 30s.
3 groom speeches stand out.

One was a serial philanderer who had fallen spectacularly head over heels in love with my friend, had given up his womanising ways, and spent the entire day telling everyone how happy he was, and how she'd changed his life. It was all very romantic. But a few years later they divorced after his multiple affairs.

Another was a bit less effusive, but nonetheless the groom said how perfect his wife was, how wonderful, gorgeous, how lucky he was etc. Acrimonious divorce a few years later.

The third was dry and cynical, no lovey stuff, nothing about how beautiful the bride was, very much a "we're here because it's the done thing" kind of speech. They're still together 20+ years later, very happy, absolutely solid couple, basically made for each other.

So I don't think the speeches necessarily reflect the true picture.

But obviously if the bride was upset then the groom got it wrong.

Might just be their dynamic. I'd find gushy shows of affection or heartfelt speeches cringeworthy. When DH and I married, the standing joke was that I'd done it for free flights and a wife's allowance (both of which his employer provided). On our 42nd anniversary DH commented that he would have done less time for murder.

No, it's not worth a chat with him. He was being an arse. He was playing up to his male friends. Enough with this.

My FIL makes marriage jokes, which MIL just brushes off, but you can tell they're not appreciated. (She's backed me up when he's been rude to me, he's never said anything nice about anyone in the 20y I've known him, he's done thing like ask DH to lie to MIL for him).

Thing is, he only has friends because of MIL. All of their friends are hers.

It's a really sad dynamic.

Without any of us knowing the couple it's hard to say. Maybe they have that kind of relationship where they can joke and know the other doesn't mean it and are comfortable with each other. Maybe he finds it hard to express his feelings in front of others and felt awkward.

It's sad to witness a father of the bride's speech and a groom's speech both disrespecting the bride. It sort of makes you feel that the bride was probably preconditioned from childhood to regard men behaving badly towards women as somehow familiar and expected.

That's very sad for the bride, that he publically humiliated her by announcing he hadn't wanted to marry her. I wonder if she'll stay married to him knowing he doesn't love her.

People who are being abused don’t tend to make jokes their partner finds humiliating in public, because they know they’ll pay for it in private.

It was either a rally bad joke, or an admission that the rosy honeymoon period was long gone before the wedding happened. Maybe the wedding was more of a financial decision. A pity they hadn't got married years ago when the romance was still blossoming. They may get on really well together as a long married (unmarried) couple, but I would have skipped the big wedding and speeches for a simple do.