Partner won't ever go down on me

[Mixedfeelings24]

Posting for trafficand namechabted. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but feeling conflicted my lovely partner of 9 years just doesn't do oral. I thought I was fine with this and had resigned myself to not having this anymore as the other things he brings to the relationship are great.

Recently though I found out in the past not long before me he was infatued with another woman and more or less performed on demand, rightly or wrongly this has rocked my confidence and made me feel he can't possibly physically want me as much

YABU - No one should do what they don't want

YANBU - If he was giving in the past why not now

Both of your AIBU options are true – nobody should do what they don't want, AND there's probably a conversation to have here, uncomfortable though it might feel.

Has he never taken care of you in this way in all 9 years together, or has it been a decline?

How did you find this out? Did he tell you - and if so did you discuss why it's not the same with you?

In what way is it "taking care off her"? Should the woman on the anal sex thread be "taking care" of her DH by letting him do that? I think she can ask him why of course, in relation to this other person, but I think he's completely allowed to not without being demonised as not attending to her needs. Equally she can choose to end the relationship if that's a deal breaker.

Well do you ask him to do it 'on demand' as the previous woman did? Rather than resign yourself

Personally OP it's a delbreaker for me and it seems to be for you. I couldn't go through life without oral and if my partner announced he'd no longer do it the relationship would be over.

I found out when some of his uni mates came to visit, they were gently taking the mick about how much of a mug he was for this other girl. I then, maybe stupidly, decided to ask him more afterwards

I couldn't put up with nine days of bad sex let alone nine years.

And no I wouldn't coerce anyone, I'd just have moved on.

I'm sorry op, I can't imagine a man who is selfish in bed for 9y would feel motivated to change now

It depends. For example, did he do it out of pressure from his ex and didn’t actually enjoy it? I know I’ve done stuff I didn’t enjoy to please an ex partner and looking back I wish then I’d had the confidence to say no. I do now.

Is he reciprocal in other ways or is sex mainly about his enjoyment? Context is important here. If he is generally selfish in bed then you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

No one should have to perform any sexual act they don't want to. Regardless of whether they are male or female and regardless of whether they have done it before. This is not selfish, or failing to take care of your partner.

OP, you can decide whether this relationship is working for you or not, and whether not recieving oral sex is a deal breaker for you. That's your prerogative.

Just because he did something he hates in bed with some other girl when he was a decade younger, that doesn’t mean he has to do something he hates in bed with you. Nobody has to do anything they don’t like in bed.

Your relationship sounds really unhealthy if you’re quizzing him about how he ‘performed’ for a woman he dated years ago - and he’s telling you. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, end it.

So refusing to do something in bed means he's selfish? What happend to enthusiastic consent? If this was the husband moaning about his wife not doing what he likes in bed he would flamed and called all sorts.

And it goes without saying you readily provide Blowjobs to said partner? 🤨
I get nothing from receiving Oral, just the pleasure of knowing the guy is enjoying it.
I don't mind it, so that's why I let them.

But if I wanted it and he said no? Bye bye BJ 👋

So they weren't together, she basically used him and he complied in a hope it would become more

Its not necessarily the oral that's the deal breaker that's hard to explain it's the fact that he did it so willingly in pursuit of someone but won't for me, if that makes sense

Have whatever sexual partner you want and get rid of any you don’t, but you’re not ‘selfish in bed’ if you dislike oral sex.

So when you spoke about it with him you must have asked why he would do this with her and not with you. What was his reasoning.?
Edited to say I've just seen your update.
I can actually see why that is upsetting for you.

Yes I do give him blowjobs.

He didn't really have an answer re me it was more about her and how he did what she asked because he wanted more

So why not with you? Awkward conversation perhaps but I’d want to at least ask.

Is he that bothered about sex generally? Is he a lot older now?

Do you give him oral? I would ask him for a conversation around it, as in what goes he not like about it etc. is there anything you don't like doing? Is the rest of your sexual relationship ok?

Stop doing it for him !!! But I think it’s wierd you know his past with other girls in that way

All you can do is focus on your relationship/sex life. Is the sex good otherwise i.e do you orgasm every time? This previous girl is - frankly - none of your business but your own sex life 100% is.

I do get that the whole situation with the friends sounds mortifying for you and they behaved very badly indeed by bringing it up, but whatever he had with her was not a proper relationship and you've been together for 9 years! You're comparing manky apples and juicy oranges.

How do you know he did it fully willingly because honestly it sounds like he was used for sex / sexual acts and a bit coerced into doing something in the hope of her liking him! You see that with young girls all the time sleeping with / doing sexual acts with men in the hopes they'll like them / want a relationship, but they're just being used.

You've been together 9 years and dealt with this - I wouldn't be comparing your sex lives, especially when you're comparing against what someone did in university many years ago! You need to deal with your feelings on this without making him feel guilty - no one should do anything they don't want to sexually - including oral.

We all did things as a teenager/young adult that we were uncomfortable with to get somebody's attention! As we mature we realise that we should never cross those personal boundaries again for somebody else. Have you asked him why he doesn't like it? But honestly the fact that you know he feels uncomfortable and you are still upset for him not doing it doesn't make you look too good. Why would you want to make him uncomfortable?

I'm not communicating this well. I'm not necessarily upset at him not doing it. I think this is more an internal issue of self confidence

Yes I totally get this, been there done that myself

If he 'doesn't like' doing it to you then you are perfectly good to say you don't like doing it for him! Just stop!
Does he pleasure you in ( god I hate saying that) other ways?

Agree with others that sometimes people do stuff whilst younger to please, and lack the confidence to say no thanks even though it's what they're thinking.

Also without trying to offend, do you take care of yourself down there? DH has always loved giving oral but has recounted a few anecdotes about a previous partner. He had to overcome an impulse to gag as she was a bit 'foosty' to quote him.