Partner won't ever go down on me

[Mixedfeelings24]

Posting for trafficand namechabted. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but feeling conflicted my lovely partner of 9 years just doesn't do oral. I thought I was fine with this and had resigned myself to not having this anymore as the other things he brings to the relationship are great.

Recently though I found out in the past not long before me he was infatued with another woman and more or less performed on demand, rightly or wrongly this has rocked my confidence and made me feel he can't possibly physically want me as much

YABU - No one should do what they don't want

YANBU - If he was giving in the past why not now

Sweet lord, can we stop pretending anal and cunnilingus are comparable?

Double standards are absolutely in play here – and with excellent reason.

This stuff is so basic - I really worry for the state of some people's sex lives if it has to be repeatedly explained.

You really can't force someone to do something sexually they don't like. But I wouldn't be able to be with someone long term who didn't do it. I guess you knew he wasn't keen from the start.
The fact he has performed it in the past, probably under duress, could be one of the reasons why he dislikes it so much.
I would say I hope he doesn't expect you to give him a blowie on a regular basis?

Sweet lord, can we stop pretending anal and cunnilingus are comparable

They're not, but the man doesn't want to do it. That should be respected the same way a woman not wanting to have anal sex should. If the fact that he doesn't want to go down on her is a dealbreaker for OP, then that's her choice. Clearly, from updates, there are other things going on in the relationship, though, and the lack of cunnilingus isn't her biggest issue.

This basically encapsulates my worry

I agree, What this thread shows me is that oral sex is just as important to to a number of women as it is to a number of men. I said I would miss it earlier on the thread but on reflection it would be a deal breaker for me long term not have it because as you say it's really basic stuff.

Having been single for a large part of my adult life I feel totally fine with not wanting a man who expects me to go down on him and not the other way round. Thankfully I haven't had many partners like that and my current partner feels the same way I do. Sadly I didn't have those standards or that confidence when I was younger to be able to say what I want and now I really believe its a conversation you need to have at the start.

The what now?

Ohh ok, makes sense!

Show me where I said they were comparable as sex acts ? It was an example of a double standard, that’s all. Specifically, it OK for a woman to be told she is fine to refuse to do something she doesn’t like or isn’t comfortable with. But not fine for a man. He’s been called selfish and bad in bed here, and the tit for tat brigade are out in force - ‘if he won’t do oral he shouldn’t expect a blow job’ !! That’s the double standard.

If you’re going to be insulting, I worry about the state of some peoples’ ability to actually comprehend what they’re reading.

OK, you asked, so here we go:

95% of straight men orgasm every time they have sex, compared with 64% of women.

That gap is due to a number of factors, but largely because the female and male bodies operate completely differently in sexual terms – from arousal all the way to climax and (obviously) beyond.

At the same time, largely due to lack of education and social / sexual equity, both men and women behave as though sex acts are comparable, and that women 'should' be orgasming just as much as men through the same acts.

So women are consistently not getting the amount or kind of foreplay they need to be able to reach orgasm, because they're expected to be operating like a man does.

That means not only are they not reaching orgasm nearly as much, they're also far more likely to experience pain during sex, discomfort, dryness, self-doubt in the bedroom, and eventually a generalised lack of libido.

Of all sex acts, cunnilingus is the most effective at preparing the female body for penetration, generating lubrication, and bringing a woman to orgasm – 30% more effective, in fact, than partner masturbation / manual stimulation.

It's the biggest tool at our disposal for closing the orgasm gap, minimising pain and discomfort during intercourse, and giving women access to a completely new level of sexuality and expression – proving that we're just as, if not more, sexual than men – we just haven't been having sex in the way that women's bodies are meant to.

If it's genuinely of interest to you, there's a book called 'She Comes First' which brings this whole topic to life brilliantly. My friend swears she can tell when a man's read it as soon as they hit the bedroom.

Anal sex, on the other hand, has no effect on a man's ability to relax in heterosexual sex, no impact on his likelihood of orgasm, no role in moving toward sexual equity, and certainly does none of those things for the female partner. It serves no purpose in a heterosexual relationship other than novelty and adventure. Which is fine, but it's nothing on what cunnilingus is able to create and make possible in erotic life.

That's how it's incomparable.

It's not about 'commonplace', or about where things are 'meant' to go – it's about one thing that has the capacity to make a massive impact on someone's sexual and erotic experience, and another thing that just... doesn't.

That is probably one of the most fucked up posts on here so far. Well done.

But is that the kind of relationship you want with him, him 'complying' with your wishes and doing something he hates? It sounds as if your relationship with him is better than that.

I hate the idea of my partner doing something he really doesn't like to please me - that's not good sex. I want up both the enjoy what we are doing, not one of us holding our nose and thinking of England.

Definitely don't give him any more blow jobs

Why not ? If she enjoys doing it, why the hell not ? He has said he doesn’t want to do oral and given his reasons why - he doesn’t like it. Would you really want to force a partner to do something he was uncomfortable with and didn’t want to do just because you enjoy it ? And then apply tit for tat for spite. Christ, no wonder so many marriage fail if this is the attitude.

Agree. I’ve said it before and l’ll say it again. The ability of some on MN to read and actually comprehend is appalling.

Does he use his hands? Toys?
Does he make you orgasm?

Some men don't like the taste of a woman. Have you asked him?

Op I hate that you've focussed in on this bloody response.

You've got more than enough evidence that your DH's frankly juvenile mates have set hares running and assuming they were not over egging the story, DH had that "one" relationship that we pretty much all do: we become who we don't want to be out of infatuation and lust. That is not love.

That was then, this is now. If you want him to go down on you because YOU want and need it, then have a frank conversation and hopefully he will put any worries you might have about your attractiveness and what you mean to him, to rest.

When we are young and immature, we all have tried pushing the boundaries set and try our luck. Few have succeeded while many have suffered and decided never to do it again. Could this be one of those situations? He might have never fancied cunnilingus but, just to win over his new flag, he might have gone down on his knees? He was immature and that's why shared that interaction with his friends also!!!! He has learned a traumatic lesson from it and hence decided never to do it again?!
OP is reading too much into this

If a man wouldn’t go down on me but expected blow jobs it would make me feel resentful. It’s nothing to do with “tit for tat” it’s about basic reciprocity which is an essential component of all relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Id feel exactly the same if a man refused to ever cook for me yet expected me to cook regularly for him. Or, if a man expected me to pay for our meals out yet never offered to pay himself. It’s not about keeping a spreadsheet of scores, it’s about the fact there are two different standards at play and I am the one always apparently giving yet missing out.
That’s a huge fcking turn off to me.

Completely agree with @doyoulikemyyams women are far less likely than men to orgasm through penetration alone so if oral is off the table it would affect my ability to have a fulfilling sex life. I deserve that just as much as he does!

If it were me I’d leave and I’d find someone who couldn’t keep their hands off me.

I wouldn't be with someone who was never willing to go down on me tbh. Not doing it too often if he's not massively into it, fair enough if he's making you orgasm in other ways, but to never ever do it? When he gets blow jobs from you? No life's to short for that.

I am not a particularly big fan of giving oral but I like recieving it and I like that he really likes it when I do it so I do it sometimes because he enjoys it. Sometimes sex is about doing things that make your partner feel good and them doing things that you want to try because it makes you feel good. Life's to short to be in a monogamous relationship where you never get to experience the sexual things you want to experience ever.

Exactly. It’s like a friend always wanting to ride in your car to work, yet never offering to return the favour. Yes, you were going to drive yourself to the office anyway, so you were always going to drive, but the friend expecting the lift and never reciprocating is a selfish move and not something a “real friend” would do if they really valued your friendship and cared about you. It’s a selfish move, and I wouldn’t say that wanting the friend to drive you in every now and then is “tit for tat” or “keeping score”.

Yes! Exactly this. It’s not about counting out who has done what on which day, or score keeping. It indicates an inherent underlying selfishness there that means that person just expects everything their way according to what they want but takes no time to consider how they might give to the other person. It’s a very unattractive character trait that comes across as selfish and grabby. Hugely unattractive and I would struggle to want to have sex with someone who is so focused on their own needs and desires only because those people are always utterly crap in bed. Surely if you love and care for someone you would want them to experience pleasure too? I can’t imagine any healthy scenario where one partner only wants their needs taken care of and doesn’t give a crap if the other person is enjoying themselves too?!!