Partner won't ever go down on me

[Mixedfeelings24]

Posting for trafficand namechabted. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but feeling conflicted my lovely partner of 9 years just doesn't do oral. I thought I was fine with this and had resigned myself to not having this anymore as the other things he brings to the relationship are great.

Recently though I found out in the past not long before me he was infatued with another woman and more or less performed on demand, rightly or wrongly this has rocked my confidence and made me feel he can't possibly physically want me as much

YABU - No one should do what they don't want

YANBU - If he was giving in the past why not now

Whereas, I have regular reached orgasm while giving a BJ with absolutely no direct stimulation to myself because I enjoy giving my partner pleasure, and that mental stimulation is enough for me. I don't do it in anticipation of reciprocation.

@Mixedfeelings24 it does not sound like this youthful 'relationship' was a healthy one. It sounds like he stomped all over his own boundaries to try to win someone who was essentially using him. It does not sound like a mature adult relationship, rather a stupid infatuation. What is the rest of your relationship like? Step back from the oral thing and look big picture - are there other things missing? Do you not feel loved? If not, why not, because it cannot just be this, surely, which seems like an immature and jealous response to him having treated someone else differently, not necessarily better. The fact that his friends know about it says it wasn't a normal relationship.

Then don't do it. Enthusiastic consent. If a person doesn't WANT to do it, then it shouldn't be happening. Sex is alot more enjoyable when everyone is having fun

It's not being dramatic. It's you and others with that mindset being immature. To stop doing something you're comfortable doing because somebody won't do something they're uncomfortable doing. It's not condusive of a healthy relationship.

Relationships should be about balance which doesn't always mean you do the exact same things at the exact same time. For example, I hate cleaning bathrooms and giving massages but DH doesn't mind it. In return I'll weed the garden tolerate his sci fi movies on the tv. Would be pretty pathetic of him after 9 years to stop giving me massages now just because he doesn't get them in return.

reverse the sexes.

you female friend admits she used to give a certain guy blow jobs a on demand because she really wanted to go out with him, but he just strung her along for the sex, Now she's in a healthy relationship, know she hates giving them but feels conflicted because she gave them to this past person.
Do you think she should again force herself to have sexual activity she's not comfortable with? Do you think its reasonable after 9 years of her partner accepting no blow jobs that he now demands them as he thinks the reason for not isn't good enough?

Honestly if the only reason you'd stay is if he goes down on you, walk away. He deserves better.

The fact he did it and hasn’t done it since shouts that he hated it. If I was you I’d invest in some toys that can do that job without it messing up your relationship!

Everyone has their red lines re sexual acts. But for him this might not be a red line, he might just be lazy or some other issue. Best thing is to ask, establish the reason and if a red line then accept it. If not then ask him to do it now and again.

Given well, oral sex is the best so I get your disappointment.

but he clearly does want you, he just doesn't want to stick his tongue in a specific orifice. Imagine if he conflated you not licking his ring with you not lusting him or wanting him sexually just cos you'd done it previously in Uni to impress a guy, for him to throw away an entire relationship over it

I would try and change your mindset from - he doesn’t do it for me, so must not fancy me as much - to - he loves me and trusts me enough to tell me what he isn’t comfortable with.

It sounds like you think if he fancied you more he would want to do it. To me it sounds more like he really doesn’t like it but he did it anyway to try and “win” someone he was infatuated with.

Surely what sex you have and what boundaries you have are up for discussion, obviously i have a couple of things I'm not as keen on but if my partner wanted one of them it would be something that would be open to at least talk to him about.

Having been in a coercive control situation with a nasty ex in which he did use sex as a form of control, I'm more than aware of how important boundaries are but in healthy relationships you should be able to talk about what the other person is asking for and express how it makes you feel, that person should make it feel safe for you to do so that. There is a huge difference between the two situations.

The OP here has said more than once that she wouldn't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do but she would maybe just like to understand why.

My sense is there is more to it.

For some reason your partner is just not making you feel special enough, this is more than just sex, it is deeper than that.

Would you have expected to be married by now?
Does he take you for granted?
Does he make you feel loved, valued and special?
Do you mean the world to him?

Some casual banter about uni life years ago should not have had the power to unseat and unnerve you as much as it has, I feel you were probably already feeling second best/overlooked/not cared about before you heard about your dp's passionate days of youth, and it has brought a feeling you already had into sharp focus.

He is not doing anywhere near enough to make you feel like you matter, perhaps in many ways, and now nearly ten years on without an orgasm or a wedding ring you are beginning a period of assessment as to what you are actually getting out of this relationship and questioning how much you mean to him. You are not wrong to do this op. You are clearly not terribly satisfied in the bedroom and I suspect it goes way beyond intimacy.

No, it’s perfectly OK, women can also not give oral sex FOR ANY REASON THEY WANT.

I wouldn’t be giving oral to a man who didn’t return the favour, why should I? I get nothing out of it.

The guy was performing a sex act he didn't enjoy because he felt like he had no choice. That is not something for you to be jealous of. In fact it's no wonder he flat-out says no now. It's horrible being used like that.

I also believe sex should be mutually satisfying and would not be rushing to offer everything to him op. You do need to keep your self respect in tact. There feels to be something very unequal in your relationship if you are the one giving all of the time and he does not feel any need to pleasure you and ensure your needs are met.

I’m struggling to understand why you haven’t done that already!!

It would be my immediate response.

Stop doing it and if he asks - well now, that will be an interesting conversation…

@Mixedfeelings24 what would happen if you just said outright you would like this in the relationship now and then and it would make you happy? What’s his response?

I did all sorts of things with an ex I couldn't imagine doing now because even the ones I actually quite enjoyed just remind me of him and that association puts me off. I was absolutely besotted in every way but it really wasn't a healthy relationship and I'm better off out of it. Passionate tipped over into toxic. Sometimes people make you feel things you haven't felt before and that's exciting in moderation but I lost myself. Maybe it was something like that for your partner. Any enjoyment of the act is outweighed by remembering the shit emotions associated with it.

Why don’t you understand that what people are comfortable with can change? If someone is comfortable giving oral when they are getting oral in return that’s fine, but that can change when oral from the other person is withdrawn, that is perfectly valid response. Stop trying to emotionally blackmail women into doing something they don’t want to do.

I have heard this double standards a few times in friends relationships where the guy won't do cunnilingus but she gives fellatio. All the guys I know in these scenarios are frankly dicks (no pun intended). It's as though going down on their partner is degrading to them but they'll happily receive because you know, they are 'men'. A conversation is worth having whilst also reflecting on whether this mindset extends into other behaviours and attitudes. I would also make it clear I would not be giving any more BJs. It would be a huge turn off for me if the man I was with didn't go down on me.

Tit for tat is so childish and sulky. It’s like when men stop doing chores or being reasonable because they’re not getting sex.

I'd be more concerned that he thinks having a laugh about his sex life with his mates is appropriate. Even more so talking about his sex life with his ex in front of his current partner.

Except she has comfortably been giving it without receiving for 9 years. Yes, she can stop doing it if she chooses, but this was not about it being a mutually given and received activity in this relationship where one side has now reneged on their part. And none of it is really about oral sex. It is about some slightly disordered thinking in OP's mind that because her partner did something for someone else who he was besotted with that this means he doesn't really love her as much. Whereas actually, he is probably a lot happier and feels much safer and able to be himself with her.

It's extremely obvious to stop the BJ's and if this is important to you, perhaps it is a deal breaker.

He was willing to go out of his comfort zone for her but doesn't want to for you.
It is his choice ultimately, as it is yours to accept it or not.

9 years!! OP, I think you have settled for little considering he is happy to receive.
That really is on you I'm afraid.

And now she’s questioning that, and if she (or any other woman) decides she doesn’t want to do it anymore, that is ok, she doesn’t have to provide you with a good enough reason, nor does any woman. Very concerning that you seem to think a woman just not wanting to do it anymore, for any reason, isn’t good enough.

I can understand how you feel, but it isn’t healthy to compare relationships - the way you interact with people is based on so many other factors. It’s not just a matter of him lusting or wanting her more.

My XH and XP never went down on me because I thought I didn’t like it. Current DP loves it and is so enthusiastic I let him do it and it turns out with him I do enjoy it. It’s a totally different relationship and I don’t necessarily feel closer to him or more comfortable with him, but in this one respect I do trust him with my vulnerability, so I will do this because his enjoyment of it makes me enjoy it so much. The three men in question have no bearing on each other and I have changed in myself due to being with each.

If this isn’t something your H feels intrinsically keen to do, you wouldn’t enjoy it anyway. So focus on the ways he does make you feel good, maybe try some other things that you both enjoy. Try not to compare yourself to his ex because I’m sure he isn’t doing so, and certainly not in a negative way. He’s probably thankful that you don’t pressure him into something he doesn’t really enjoy doing.

I think there’s two issues here.

I personally wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t want to give oral sex - it’s an important part of sex for me. I would never pressure a partner to do it if they didn’t want to but I wouldn’t be in that relationship as we just wouldn’t be compatible.

but I think you’re having an issue more with him doing something for a previous partner that he wouldn’t do for you. And for that I say, be careful. There are things I did for previous partners out of desperation and low self esteem and just being in abusive situations, that I now have boundaries in place with current partners about. It doesn’t mean I love my current partner any less, it’s that I’ve grown as a person and decided on my own boundaries, and no longer do things which make me uncomfortable out of want for someone to love me.