Partner won't ever go down on me

[Mixedfeelings24]

Posting for trafficand namechabted. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but feeling conflicted my lovely partner of 9 years just doesn't do oral. I thought I was fine with this and had resigned myself to not having this anymore as the other things he brings to the relationship are great.

Recently though I found out in the past not long before me he was infatued with another woman and more or less performed on demand, rightly or wrongly this has rocked my confidence and made me feel he can't possibly physically want me as much

YABU - No one should do what they don't want

YANBU - If he was giving in the past why not now

I also think it's creepy that his friends k now what he did sexually

So his previous sexual partner coerced him into giving her oral?
And now you're upset that you can't persuade ie coerce him) into doing it for you?

Sorry @Mixedfeelings24 I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but this post has made me angry on your partners behalf.

Speaking as someone who was previously sexually coerced having had that experience previously now I have very hard boundaries and will NEVER EVER let anyone persuade me to do anything I didn't want.

Honestly if this post was written by a man they would of been flamed by now.
@Mixedfeelings24 You need to decide how important oral is to you. If you love this guy and want to stay with him you need to drop the idea of receiving oral right now. On the other hand - if he's not satisfying you enough because of the lack of oral its ntotally your choice to end the relationship.

Why do you equate no oral with bad sex. My partner also never does it and we have great sex which is sometimes entirely non-penetrative. There are many many ways to please a woman.

This is kinda the sticking point for me I want him to want me enough to do that?? I categorically don't want to coerce him

Exactly. If he is getting BJs then stop giving them . Sex is about give and take .

He doesn't like doing it. So he shouldn't do it.

The fact that when he was younger, a person had so much control over him that he did something he didn't want to do becuase he felt like she would ditch him if he didn't. Isn't about jealousy. It's about "I'm sorry you felt like that." NOT "Well if you did it for her why won't you do it for me even though I know you hate it." Imagine a man doing that to a woman. You know he doesn't like it. You know he didn't like it then either. It's good that he now has the confidence, with you, to not do something he doesn't like through fear of losing you.

You are saying hexwas coerced into giving his previous partner oral. On what evidence? Absolutely none at all. Just because you do something with one partner and not another, it doesn't mean you were coerced!

Dating before you settle down is when you find out what you do and don’t like, where you draw your line. He’s found that’s not for him so doesn’t do it any more.

Well I would stop with the BJs for a start.

If he wanted to do it - he'd be doing it already.

Just have a conversation with him - if he says its just because he doesn't like giving - you ned to accept that - it will be nothing personal.

I didn't say he was coerced

You want to make him feel insecure enough that he will do something he doesn't like to keep you in his life?

I know you don't want that, but that is effectively what you are saying. It wasn't his desire that made him do it, it was desperation to make her love him. After 9 years of a loving relationship with you he is free of having to feel like that. That is a good thing as that desperation is basically self hatred.

Could this experience be why he doesn't like it now?
If he felt pressured in the past?

I have a friend whose ex pressured her to give him oral frequently and she can't do it now because of that.

That is tempting

I hate giving a man oral. I get nothing from it. Equally I don't expect him to do it to me either.

Sorry it wasn't aimed at you, it was aimed at the previous posters crying coercion

If this was a bloke posting that his wife / gf didn't give him blow jobs, they would get absolutely slated on here - the disgusting sex pests!!!

I categorically do not agree with the PP who said that you should basically question him about it - I would not want someone going on down on me who has literally had to be forced into it by a guilt trip!

However, everyone is entitled to want what they want in terms of sex and if you want him to go down on you and he won't / doesn't want to then you can (and should) express your unhappiness about it. And then what you choose to do long term is up to you.

But don't keep comparing yourself to someone he used to shag over 10 years ago when you have no idea of their situation. I have had past relationships when I was in my 20s and early 30s where I have behaved very differently to how I am now!

And the immature "if you wont give it to me, I won't give it to you" is not OK. Turn sex into a war and nobody has fun.

Do things that you like doing to give him pleasure. You are also entitled to be pleasured, but that doesn't have to be oral. Is it a generally unsatisfactory sex life? There are other ways for him to pleasure you without his mouth and he should be exploring those. I don't know about anyone else but I masturbate quite happily and I can't use my mouth.

Personally OP it's a delbreaker for me and it seems to be for you. I couldn't go through life without oral and if my partner announced he'd no longer do it the relationship would be over.

Bloody hell
🤣🤣

This 💯

Oh good.

I did specifically ask him if he felt pressured but he said no, he also denied liking doing it though but backtracked a bit when I asked why he kept going back then

I don't want to make him uncomfortable but I want him to want/lust for me that much. As I've said this is a me issue as much as anything

We don't know that he wasn't coerced, in the same way that we don't know that he gave oral enthusiastically.

As for "crying" do you believe that a man cannot be coerced into doing things that they don't want to do?

Yes start playing games in an almost decade long relationship. That's always a good and healthy way to behave🙄

What's wrong with just talking to him???

Does he satisfy you sexually in other ways?