Partner won't ever go down on me

[Mixedfeelings24]

Posting for trafficand namechabted. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but feeling conflicted my lovely partner of 9 years just doesn't do oral. I thought I was fine with this and had resigned myself to not having this anymore as the other things he brings to the relationship are great.

Recently though I found out in the past not long before me he was infatued with another woman and more or less performed on demand, rightly or wrongly this has rocked my confidence and made me feel he can't possibly physically want me as much

YABU - No one should do what they don't want

YANBU - If he was giving in the past why not now

It's 'taking care of her' because of the massive orgasm gap between men and women. Anal sex isn't the only way many men can experience orgasm – they're not remotely comparable.

It's 'taking care of her' because it's giving her pleasure, and giving someone pleasure is a way of taking care of them.

And as I said in the first paragraph of my post (which I'm assuming you read), I don't think anyone should do anything they don't want to. That was my first point – I agree with you entirely, which is why a conversation about it would be helpful.

No mention of 'demonising' in my post at all, was there?

But you withdrawing giving him oral in retaliation is surely coercion?

Give oral if YOU enjoy giving it. Otherwise don't - but FFS it would be wrong to use it as a bargaining piece!

Just stop fretting over HIS sexual past. Its really NOYB.

He says he doesn't enjoy giving oral so that should be enough. Get therapy if you can't cope with it because this is YOU not HIM.

Christ almighty if a bloke had written this OP he'd have been bloody well ripped to shreds - quite rightly - so cop on to yourself.

But if he hasn't gone down on you in 9 years then he's not going to start now is he?

Does he instigate sex often? Does he make you feel desired? Does he touch you / have other means of foreplay? All of that is important too.

And ignore all the bollocks about "withholding blow jobs". Don't play mind games. They never end well.

This would be a deal breaker for me as l especially like oral sex. Sometimes people are not compatible sexually and it’s best to go your separate ways

Why only “tempting”? It’s unreasonable to expect oral, but not to return the favour.

People become prudish as they get older. It's nothing to do with their current partner. They just know what they like and don't like. I am far more set in my ways than I would have been in my early 20s.
I would stop giving him oral if you don't want to do it.
Please stop comparing your sex life to theirs.

Because I don't want to weaponise it and be tit for tat

Yes he does pleasure me in other ways and we do have a good sex life I think I've just been jarred to find out something that I assumed he did once or twice and didn't like so is off the menu was served buffet style all you can eat, no pun intended, for someone else

@Mixedfeelings24 do you actually WANT him to go down, or do you just want him to WANT to go down?

I mean I wouldn't object, of course.

But it's more the latter, it hurts that that want isn't there

When you are infatuated you often do things you would not normally do; sometimes, when looking back, you wish you hadn't! It's different when you're living together, you can relax and not feel pressurised.

I get where you are coming from but if you love each other and enjoy your intimate life, why worry about this one thing? There's no point in a person performing when they would rather not, Not everyone likes oral, either performing or receiving, it isn't a big deal.

Your partner's uni friends were really tactless bringing up the subject of his obsession with another girl in front of you. It's in the past, most of us have been there but the here and now is what matters and it sounds as though your life together is good.

Agreed. The hypocrisy is real.

@Mixedfeelings24 But you know you can't force him to "want" to do it? If he doesn't want to then you either have to live with it and move on and appreciate what you do have. Or leave him and find someone who does want to do it.

All of this.

People on this thread are lumping together all sexual acts as equivalent, some sounding suspiciously MRA.

For many women, they can't orgasm at all without some oral, and indeed sex can be painful for many women without a lot of foreplay beforehand.

Men don't have the same physical setup. PIV sex is basically never actually painful for them regardless of foreplay.

So oral does not perform the same function for men vs women.

You can be as right-on as you like trying to make them equivalent but they aren't. In one direction, it merely enhances pleasure. In the other, it can also help prevent pain and even injury.

Don't get me started on anal which actually causes injury. A woman refusing to endure anal sex is not equivalent to a man refusing to perform oral, that's comparing apples and oranges.

Edit - to be clear anyone can refuse anything. But I'm still calling op's "lovely partner" selfish.

I can't get past your DP's mates telling you that he used to give oral sex to his ex girlfriend.

Why would they tell you this? And how the hell do they know?!

Yes I get that , I suppose it just still stings a bit

I was going to say just this. I'm assuming Ms GotTheOral was a first girlfriend type for your DH. Young and naive. Rest assured you have the more evolved version now so it's time to start talking about what you'd like from him, if you truly want it for you and not just because he used to do it.

And... as a cautionary tale, he might be crap!

I can see why your upset. You've spent 9yrs with someone who has told you they don't give oral sex which you have accepted only to find out that this hasn't always been the case.

It's a tricky one and really involved more conversation about it at the start, obviously you feel a bit blindsided now. For me oral sex as in a men going down on me and me giving back has been a part of all of my relationships and I think I would find it a bit sad to be in a relationship with someone wouldn't although I hope I would try to see past it but I would almost certainly miss it - which I did when I dated someone who wasn't very good at it.

He's not unreasonable for not wanting to do it, you also aren't being unreasonable from enjoying oral and wanting it. Unfortunately you have to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you.

Wasn't the first but he definitely had an unhealthy infatuation/obsession

@Berga
'No one should have to perform any sexual act they don't want to.'

Exactly.

@Mumoftwo1316
'I'm sorry op, I can't imagine a man who is selfish in bed'.

That is really immature. Having boundaries that include not doing something you don't enjoy doing is not 'selfish'.

Would you say the same thing if it was a woman stating she does not enjoy giving oral sex or having anal sex but her partner is really keen on it? would you call her 'selfish'? I doubt it.

I would also stop worrying about what happened years ago with other partners. It is irrelevant to your current relationship.

So you could say she coerced him.

Perhaps that's one of the many reasons he doesn't want to do it to you, it was used as a tool of coercion in his younger years and now he's more mature, he's in a loving relationship, he feels safe and he doesn't want to feel coerced again.

I think this says a lot more about your positive qualities and how you make him feel secure than you being unattractive to him and him not performing in pursuit of you.

If he doesn't actually want to do oral then ask him to use toys on you.
Been with my husband for 9 years he doesn't mind giving but absolutely hates receiving just not his thing

Thank you this is the take I needed to hear I think

Was coming on to say exactly this. There's a vast proportion of women that only orgasm with oral which is probably why pp have called him selfish. There are many women that would choose not to be with someone that doesn't give oral.

Having said that the OP seems more concerned that there was a woman in the past that her DP was so enamoured with he was willing to do whatever it takes to be with her, he desperatelyjust wanted to please her and make her happy. So it's not necessarily the sex, it could be that he bought flowers for her every week or made breakfast in bed or planned weekends away for her when he would never bother doing that for the OP. Is thst right OP? If so, I totally get it. I think we all like to think that if we have a long term partner that we are the most important thing to them, not that there were women in the past that they cherished and wanted more.