Partner won't ever go down on me

[Mixedfeelings24]

Posting for trafficand namechabted. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but feeling conflicted my lovely partner of 9 years just doesn't do oral. I thought I was fine with this and had resigned myself to not having this anymore as the other things he brings to the relationship are great.

Recently though I found out in the past not long before me he was infatued with another woman and more or less performed on demand, rightly or wrongly this has rocked my confidence and made me feel he can't possibly physically want me as much

YABU - No one should do what they don't want

YANBU - If he was giving in the past why not now

Why would you want a partner to go out of their comfort zone during sex? Could you really lie back and relax, knowing he was hating every second?

If OP doesn’t enjoy giving BJs she should stop. She shouldn’t stop as some weird tit for tat emotional blackmail/punishment

There’s a current MN thread on anal sex. OP doesn’t want to do it, her partner does. There’s an almost unanimous consensus that she absolutely should not do anything she’s not comfortable with. Some of the responses here seem to suggest that double standards are alive and well on MN.

But it is misogynistic for men to expect blowjobs without returning oral.

I cant speak for every bloke, but for me its an absolute barometer of how much i fancy someone. Ive had girlfriends that i genuinely adored as people, but didnt really fancy that much, and didnt enjoy doing it with at all. Ive had girlfriends who i fancied like crazy, and couldnt do it enough. Ive felt so grossed out by the idea with some partners, i couldnt have forced myself, and others it left me daydreaming about it for days afterwards. For me its about body size, and weight. In the past i was guilty of taking what was available to me in terms of sexual partners, now im older, if i hadnt found someone who i really lust over, i think id be single. I think oral is extremely intimate, and thats why its serves as such a good indicator of attraction. I think the past partners knew this, without it being explicitly said, and i think it made them feel shit about themselves, and confused that i seemed happy to do other stuff with them.

@FigTreeInEurope Why were you going out with women that you didn't fancy?

@FigTreeInEurope in the nicest possible way, how you personally feel about cunnilingus is of literally no relevance whatsoever to the OP unless you are her boyfriend.

I think the point is she has been giving him blow jobs but now all of a sudden OP is annoyed about a past relationship her DP had many years ago so to just start not going down on him out of spite is petty and game playing.

Of course she can stop. I have said that.
I can also think that doing it as a tit for tat thing is immature. Those two are both possible at the same time.

But it doesn’t mean he cherished or wanted her more. I mean, maybe he did, but it’s not a given. He could equally (have) want(ed) you more — it’s just you didn’t ‘test’ him or make him prove it, because you wanted him too, so he hasn’t had to jump through hoops to be in a relationship with you.
Also, I’m guessing that if ever he’d been in a mutual and equal long-term relationship with this ex, rather than constantly feeling he had to prove himself, he’d have got to the point where he felt able to say he really didn’t enjoy oral so was going to stop giving it…

Women are allowed to change their mind for any reason. If she’s no longer comfortable with it, the last 9 years are irrelevant.

Can you explain how it’s misogynistic for a man to still like a blow job even though he doesn’t want to give oral because he doesn’t like it, or it makes him feel uncomfortable ? If his partner is willing to do that what’s the problem ? Surely two grown adults can work through issues like this without descending into the tit for tat debate going on here. Talk about double standards.

You'll be shot down for being a man, but this has some validity ime. It may not be directly relevant to OP's boyfriend, but nothing ever is 100% because this forum is anonymous and none of us know each other!

I think men who won’t do it because misogyny are pathetic, but so what? It’s irrelevant. We don’t know his reason, neither would you know OPs or any other woman’s reason.

So can men. So if her DP decides to leave her because she's become petty and childish and is more interested in tit for tat than a grown up relationship then fair play to him.

But op has said the other sex is good. Good enough to have been enough for 9 years. But now someone else had something she likes so she has to have it too else he doesn't love her properly 🙄

The fact that he has done it for someone previously (enthusiastically or otherwise) is irrelevant. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to at the current time with you. You can decide whether lack of oral sex is a dealbreaker for you or not. But it sounds like it isn't -- you were satisfied with your sex life until you discovered he'd done it previously and your concern sounds more wanting him to want you desperately/jealousy that he has done this before.

Would you describe it as a happy relationship? Does he make you feel secure and loved and cared for and special?

If the answer to that question is no, then you have bigger problems and you won't find the answer in questioning him about his previous relationships or focusing on a specific sex act.

If on the other hand the answer is yes, then I would advise you to drop this. You don't get to know all your partner's thoughts about a previous relationship. You will never know how he felt about her and how that compares with how he feels about you. Whether he was coerced/didn't have good boundaries/was madly passionately sexually infatuated and loved every minute of it. None of it is relevant - he's choosing to be with you now and you need to work on your relationship as it is rather than looking into his past for answers.

If your relationship is generally good but you're feeling insecure about a specific aspect (e.g. maybe you don't feel very desired by him at the moment) then be open with him and work on it with him. But do it in a calm and mature way rather than prodding about his previous relationship.

I'm also just going to mention that I actually found it quite upsetting to put myself in his shoes - I've had a partner press for details about my former relationship and it's just so draining. It feels like such a violation that you have to explain and justify the way you were before you even knew them and come up with a perfect narrative for how you feel about your history when you maybe don't even know yourself. And a betrayal to the person you were then and your former partner to talk about your intimate history with them. I'm not suggesting you've made him feel the same - but I'd be really careful about continuing down this route.

I agree with PP that no one should be pressured to do anything sexual that they dislike or are uncomfortable with. BUT it's also a bit more nuanced than that. There's a difference between not giving your partner oral because you actively dislike it, and not giving your partner oral because you can't be arsed or you don't care about their pleasure.

I imagine OP assumed her DP fell into the first camp, and that it's just not something he does. Having discovered that he was happy to perform oral on a woman he was infatuated with and wanting to impress OP may now, not unreasonably, be questioning whether he actually falls into the 'can't be arsed' camp.

No one should be coerced into doing anything, but it's well-documented that straight women report the lowest sexual satisfaction of any group and the fact that some men are selfish/lazy in bed is undeniably a factor. If it's simply a case of not wanting to make an effort because they're focused on their own pleasure then that's not ok.

"But it is misogynistic for men to expect blowjobs without returning oral."

No one should "expect" anything when it comes to sex. And that includes women.

I don't see how a guy enjoying a blow job and their partner willing giving them one, but the same guy doesn't enjoy giving oral is misogynistic.

No one - male or female should do anything sexually that they don't want to. And neither partner should then try and coerce them by saying "well I won't do x then"

If you don't enjoy doing something, then it should be absolutely accepted by your partner that you won't do it. And if that isn't the case, that's an indication of a bigger issue.

Like i said, when i was younger, i took what was available to me. Now in my 50's ive learned that was wrong, and shouldve waited for someone i was strongly attracted to.

I doubt very much, that my experiences were unique to me.

Show me where I implied men can’t?

Why do you insist OP changing her mind is petty and childish? Why don’t you seem to think women should be allowed to change what they want to do?

I doubt also that they are universal.

I agree with you, OP, that BJs should not be weaponised in a tit for tat. You are either enjoy giving them or not and that should be the only question.

I do think you're thinking about this the wrong way – your husband was clearly very young and performed oral on this women because he felt that was what he had to do to convince her to like him enough, not because the desire for her made him like oral more. And that's really sad – and fundamentally not right. I would think with you, you love him just the way he is and he does not have to compromise on his sexual boundaries to win you over.

I understand why it must sting – it's never nice when you picture your partner in ways like this. If I'm honest, his friends were dicks for bringing it up – it's gross.

Because @Naunet it IS petty and childish to completely change the way you behave to "get back" at someone for not doing what you want them to do.

If OP just woke up one day and thought "you know what, I don't fancy giving my DP anymore blow jobs because I don't like doing that and I'm going to be honest and tell him" then fair enough.

To go "I've always given my DP blow jobs and had no intention of stopping but now I've discovered he went down on his ex girlfriend and I'm jealous so I'm going to withhold blow jobs to punish him" is petty and childish.

I’m sorry but you are not thinking of him in this scenario. If he doesn’t want to do it, he doesn’t want to end of. And you should not be comparing yourself to stuff he did with another girl at uni. I did allsorts of experimental things and now I wouldn’t do half of them as I do t have to impress anyone or now know I don’t like them. Most likely he was young and besotted with this girl and was worried he couldn’t keep her if he didn’t whereas now he’s most likely secure in his relationship with you and happy with himself to not do something he doesn’t want to. Put yourself in his shoes.