Partner won't ever go down on me

[Mixedfeelings24]

Posting for trafficand namechabted. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but feeling conflicted my lovely partner of 9 years just doesn't do oral. I thought I was fine with this and had resigned myself to not having this anymore as the other things he brings to the relationship are great.

Recently though I found out in the past not long before me he was infatued with another woman and more or less performed on demand, rightly or wrongly this has rocked my confidence and made me feel he can't possibly physically want me as much

YABU - No one should do what they don't want

YANBU - If he was giving in the past why not now

Yes, yes and yes that second paragraph has hit the nail on the head.

I refer you to my comment at 10.17am.

And I think what is "immature" and frankly misogynist is treating all sexual acts as equivalent, including those that cause lasting injuries to women.

Absolutely this!!

This thread is disturbing on a few levels. And the "well stop giving him oral" is a big one

I don't give oral in order to receive it. I do it because I enjoy it. If my partner didn't enjoy giving me oral we'd find something else that gives me pleasure.

No one should do anything they don't enjoy doing. And saying well no more bjs unless I get oral is just coercive behaviour. I woukd absolutely hate to have my partner do something they didn't enjoy just to please me. It would very much have the opposite effect for me - a massive turn off for me. I would feel like a selfish woman if I thought my partner was doing something they disliked just to please me.

You sound swell.

Although DH enjoys giving me oral but in recent years has suffered from TMJ issues which have made oral and eating in general quite painful. Despite several treatments it continuallly returns and I'd be more than happy to dial back and forego oral altogether to not to cause him additional pain if it comes to that.

Can't imagine leaving an otherwise amazing partner because of oral.

Having said that the OP seems more concerned that there was a woman in the past that her DP was so enamoured with he was willing to do whatever it takes to be with her, he desperatelyjust wanted to please her and make her happy.

I don't think it's admirable that a woman he was enamoured with he felt obliged to perform a sexual act he wasn't comfortable with? It's healthy to have boundaries sexually, and affixing oral as a sign of being wanted or whatever has been done from OPs side and not from his.

Why didn't you set that from the outset then? Your OP mentions nothing about your partner not treating you or caring for you as well as previous partners. The focus was entirely on the lack of oral after you found out he gave it to a previous partner.

If you're not feeling loved in general in the relationship that should be the bigger concern and focus.

YABU. He doesn't want to. That's not an opening for a debate on why he should want to 'take care of you.'

Because I was struggling to make sense of what I was feeling? I only had the triggers

Then that's what the thead should have been about.

Doing things in desperation is never going to lead to a happy or healthy relationship OP, hopefully he's grown up since then and realised he's ok the way he is and can be himself with you.

Op, do you really want him to be so infatuated with you he would do things he doesn't like?

Because that's what you are saying and that's not healthy.

A long term partnership is about mutual love and respect. Being infatuated isn't being in love or a sign of respectful relationship. It's a one sided relationship.

You have been together a long time. Forget what he's done in past relationships. Would you like it if he started comparing your behaviour in previous relationships when you were younger? Concentrate on whether you feel loved and respected. And if these aren't there, have a conversation around that. But without bringing an ex of over 9 years into it

I would be upset by this, and rightly or wrongly assume that he wanted this other woman more than he wants me. My insecurities maybe but that's how I'd read it

If he won't do it for you, then stop doing it for him - that would be my advice!

Also after 9 years the romance and trying to impress someone just isn't there/isn't the same any more. It's a conversation to be had of course - but does he show he cares in other ways? Is he there for you emotionally? That's what you need in a long term relationship not flowers every week.

I don't give oral in order to receive it. I do it because I enjoy it.

I don't think most people enjoy it.

You might be better starting another thread, everyone is so focused on the oral sex bit you'll probably struggle to get any meaningful advice. If hearing that from his friend was so triggering for you I'm guessing that the relationship is unfulfilling in other ways too.

Do you like giving blow jobs?
What he did years ago has no relevance now, I’d hate someone to do something in bed they no longer enjoy, it doesn’t matter why.

Surely the main issue here is the misogyny and the fact that this man is happy to do oral for people other than his wife. That would be hurtful for anyone.

I agree.

If that is true, then you should be asking why you are all doing something you don't enjoy. That's absolutely not right. Don't like it, it's absolutely fine not to do it.

This thread is disturbing on a few levels. And the "well stop giving him oral" is a big one

Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic? Nothing wrong with not giving oral in return.

And even those who've called him selfish have justified their point. Nobody has implied anyone should be forced, more that she should have a talk and possibly reconsider the relationship.

You're missing the point.

He most likely wasn't happy to do this, or the experience was soured because a young man was used sexually.

That's not misogyny.

It's really quite sad that he didn't have the self confidence back then to tell this girl that he would not be a performing monkey, and he was taken advantage of.

That would only be a (almost) valid argument if it wasn't a long time in the past with an ex.
Its ok to establish boundaries as we go through life. Healthy even.

Its not misogynistic to not enjoy oral sex. It's his personal preference.

We don't need to keep doing things for subsequent partners that we don't enjoy.

Nope not being dramatic. Just not into game playing. I don't do things in the bedroom I don't enjoy, and wouldn't stop doing something just because my partner didn't enjoy reciprocating. That's just childish. We'd find something else he did enjoy doing.

It would indeed be childish to stop something you enjoy, to spite your partner. But maybe op isn't so keen on giving oral either, if she considers it tempting. Regardless, I don't think it's particularly disturbing to not do oral.