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Original poster

Partner shoves me whilst I sleep!

195 replies

Muddlethroughmam · 05/08/2024 08:19

Partner is not a good sleeper, I am as long as I sleep before him (snoring).
However he quite frequently wakes me up by pushing/shoving me. Sometimes on my back and sometimes on my shoulders/collar bone area. He's a big guy and I'm very petite, It does hurt and quite often I wake up in pain from it.
He has apologised before but it's I'm sorry but you're in my way, or your hand is on my side of the bed preventing me from sleeping.
This morning he shoved me with both hands on my collar bones and it did hurt quite a bit. We got up and I said I expected an apology, he said I'll apologise when you apologize.
I've explained to him that he's hurting me and it's not right to continue to do it when this has been explained to him, I've asked him to wake me up if I'm in his way and ask me to move but he doesn't, he continues to shove me.
He also remembers doing it every time so he's awake but is continuing to do it.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable as to not apologise? As I am not purposely annoying him/getting in his way. He is purposely hurting me.

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 05/08/2024 08:20

My late husband used to do this, in his sleep. It was actually Sleep Apnea causing it.

Original poster
Muddlethroughmam · 05/08/2024 08:23

Boomer55 · 05/08/2024 08:20

My late husband used to do this, in his sleep. It was actually Sleep Apnea causing it.

That's really interesting actually as he's currently being investigated for sleep apnoea.

OP posts:
Moonshiners · 05/08/2024 08:23

He pushes you even though repeatedly you have told him it hurts.
He pushes you when you are asleep and you have accidentally gone to his space.
DH sometimes takes up to much room and I gently ask him to move and if he doesn't wake I gently touch his arm and ask again.
I honestly would not stay with such a man.

FOJN · 05/08/2024 08:31

What does he want you to apologise for?

I'm not sure I could stay with a man who thinks pushing and shoving me in my sleep is acceptable.

You are not deliberately disturbing him but he is deliberately hurting you and doesn't seem bothered about it so I doubt he's going to change. Your options are to put up with it, end the relationship or find a solution.

If it's not a deal breaker for you then you need to reach an agreement which allows you to both sleep well. It sounds like separate beds/rooms are needed.

outdamnedspots · 05/08/2024 08:32

Well, it's not sleep apnea. That's bollocks. He's awake each time, remembers shoving you on the morning!

Op, he's abusive. He's being violent to you when you are sleeping and vulnerable, and he is not sorry.

I'd leave him. You are not safe with him.

outdamnedspots · 05/08/2024 08:33

What is your relationship like during the day? I'd be surprised if it's all good. Abusive at night, abusive during the day...

Whatever you do, never sleep with him again. You deserve to be safe and unmolested when you are sleeping.

museumum · 05/08/2024 08:37

I don’t understand how he’s hurting you. If he’s big and you are petite he can move you over gently like we do with young children all the time. If it hurts you - is he actually hitting you?

Berga · 05/08/2024 08:42

If he is awake it's abuse. Leave the relationship if you can do so safely.

If he is asleep, could be a sleep disorder. One of you leaves the bed for now, get a temporary set up whilst medical investigations are being done and treatment is put in place.

He is still being a bit of an arse about it though, so keep an eye on the situation because it could be both of the above - he is an abusive arse with sleep apnea. In other words, don't be bamboozled.

nameynamenamenamename · 05/08/2024 08:43

When this happens he is awake and you are asleep? And he is aware that it hurts you? I feel like this is being minimised.

If he did this when you were awake - shoved you and hurt you, on purpose because he felt you were in his way - I feel like you would recognise this as abuse.

You being asleep makes it worse, not better.

ExpectantEs · 05/08/2024 08:43

This sounds scary, I'm sorry he's doing this to you

Testina · 05/08/2024 08:44

Boomer55 · 05/08/2024 08:20

My late husband used to do this, in his sleep. It was actually Sleep Apnea causing it.

What is the point of saying that when the OP has already said he’s awake when he does it?

Original poster
Muddlethroughmam · 05/08/2024 08:46

nameynamenamenamename · 05/08/2024 08:43

When this happens he is awake and you are asleep? And he is aware that it hurts you? I feel like this is being minimised.

If he did this when you were awake - shoved you and hurt you, on purpose because he felt you were in his way - I feel like you would recognise this as abuse.

You being asleep makes it worse, not better.

I am asleep, He seems to have been awake every time he's woken me up from it.

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 05/08/2024 08:46

This morning he shoved me with both hands on my collar bones and it did hurt quite a bit

This is outrageous, of course that's going to hurt - he doesn't sound like he likes you very much OP, and WTF is he expecting you to apologise for, you've done nothing wrong?!

nameynamenamenamename · 05/08/2024 08:47

@Muddlethroughmam can you leave?

Iwilladmit · 05/08/2024 08:50

nameynamenamenamename · 05/08/2024 08:43

When this happens he is awake and you are asleep? And he is aware that it hurts you? I feel like this is being minimised.

If he did this when you were awake - shoved you and hurt you, on purpose because he felt you were in his way - I feel like you would recognise this as abuse.

You being asleep makes it worse, not better.

This post exactly.

OP , you answered the (I think) rhetorical questions in this post but didn’t comment on the main point of the post. Does this resonate with you?

Original poster
Muddlethroughmam · 05/08/2024 08:51

Iwilladmit · 05/08/2024 08:50

This post exactly.

OP , you answered the (I think) rhetorical questions in this post but didn’t comment on the main point of the post. Does this resonate with you?

Show quote history

Apologies, I'm not sure. I feel a bit dramatic thinking about leaving etc, I feel like I'm making a big deal out of it. He's not punching me etc, there's no other aspects of our relationship like this, I'm conflicted.

OP posts:
35965a · 05/08/2024 08:52

He’s abusive - he’s frustrated at his own sleep problems and is taking it out on you. It’s possible to gently shake or push a sleeping partner without hurting them. My own husband occasionally snores and gentle push is enough for him to move position and stop. Your husband should not be hurting you. He knows this. So he’s an abuser.

Littleorangemouse · 05/08/2024 08:53

If your relationship is otherwise good, could you sleep separately?
But if it's part of a wider pattern you need to leave.

Surprisedmystified · 05/08/2024 08:54

I agree with pp who said this is scary.

He is deliberately hurting you and doing it while you are asleep and so much more vulnerable because you are unable to defend yourself. The fact you say he is a big guy and you are petite paints a horrible picture of an abusive bully.

I agree with those who think for your own safety you should leave.

Iwilladmit · 05/08/2024 08:54

No, don’t apologise. I’m sorry if my post was blunt.

Would it be possible to sleep separately? You could frame it as being best for both of you until the sleep apnea investigations are complete (it doesn’t sound sleep apnea related as he is awake but it might help to give you a reason to sleep apart).

AnchorWHAT · 05/08/2024 08:54

Get single beds

MissMoneyFairy · 05/08/2024 08:54

What's his reason for doing it, if he claims you disturb him then he's awake and it's deliberate. Time for separate beds or a new partner.

Cobblersorchard · 05/08/2024 08:55

DH and I have separate bedrooms because I have a parasomnia and act out dreams which can make me lash out. I gave him a massive black eye when we shared a bed.

But I was definitely not awake. I have been for inpatient sleep assessment so have a formal diagnosis.

This is not that, it’s abuse @Muddlethroughmam and you need to leave this relationship.

ShanieH · 05/08/2024 08:58

It's abusive. You've told him it hurts, he is aware he's doing it and he doesn't care. My DH is a snorer I give him the most gentle tickle on his arm and gently ask him to nudge onto his side....why would u do anything other? It's just fucking horrible.

Keroppi · 05/08/2024 08:58

He's conscious and aware so sleep apnea excuse is bollocks. He's obviously pissed off that he can't sleep and you are. And why isn't he saying sorry either? Wtf
Is he snippy or controlling etc in the day?

I would sleep separately for a start while I think about how to leave. Perhaps you need to keep a record in your notes app of the shoving etc and the pain so you can reread it when he's minimising you and you feel like you're being dramatic.

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