Partner shoves me whilst I sleep!

[Muddlethroughmam]

Partner is not a good sleeper, I am as long as I sleep before him (snoring).
However he quite frequently wakes me up by pushing/shoving me. Sometimes on my back and sometimes on my shoulders/collar bone area. He's a big guy and I'm very petite, It does hurt and quite often I wake up in pain from it.
He has apologised before but it's I'm sorry but you're in my way, or your hand is on my side of the bed preventing me from sleeping.
This morning he shoved me with both hands on my collar bones and it did hurt quite a bit. We got up and I said I expected an apology, he said I'll apologise when you apologize.
I've explained to him that he's hurting me and it's not right to continue to do it when this has been explained to him, I've asked him to wake me up if I'm in his way and ask me to move but he doesn't, he continues to shove me.
He also remembers doing it every time so he's awake but is continuing to do it.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable as to not apologise? As I am not purposely annoying him/getting in his way. He is purposely hurting me.

He's awake right? Sounds like he's lying in bed desperately trying to go to sleep, you are sleeping nicely and that frustrates him so he gives you a massive shove. Not a very nice bloke really.

OP - he thinks it’s OK to hurt you. It’s not.
Ditch him.
My ex did this. It escalated.
Keep yourself safe.

There’s a lot of assumptions this is deliberate abuse and LTB …but also quite a few people talking about sleep issues. Until and unless you find he has no sleep disorders you could assume he is not deliberately hurting you, but is semi consciously acting out.

in meantime, you do what a lot of more mature couples do. Seperate beds or at least seperate mattresses and bedding (as is common on continent). Even separate mattress will mean both of you sub consciously will feel where edge of “your” space is.

Try it. As a temporary option until his sleep is investigated and you see where you are

of course, if he is normally a consciously disrespectful, bullying, shoving bloke. Then yes, LTB. but if he is kind, considerate and courteous when awake, and this is his sleep monster mode - then seperately beds and work togther on resolving asap

He's physically hurting you, and doesn't see an issue with it. How long before he starts physically hurting you during the day when you 'annoy' him?

He doesn't have to punch you to abuse you.

Put it this way. If during the day you were standing in front of a door or something that he wanted to go through, and his response was to shove you on your collarbones to get you to move, would you consider that acceptable? If you were were getting out of a car and taking too long and he pushed you hard in the back to make you move, would that be acceptable? If after these incidents you told him he'd hurt you and his response was "sorry you were in the way", would that be ok?

The fact he's doing these things to you while you're sleeping and vulnerable is worse, not better, than the above scenarios.

I am the snorer. DH started getting increasingly annoyed with me disturbing his sleep and was shaking me/waking me up.
He wouldn't accept this was equally unreasonable of him as I wasn't doing it intentionally..
So now I sleep in my own room,we both sleep better.
We get on well but he is generally a bit selfish! If this is your only issue I would seek a solution. If it's one of a raft small aggressions think harder.

No assumptions, he is awake, he remembers doing it, he won't apologise until OP apologises (not sure what for). It is deliberate and it is causing OP pain

Are you missing the bits where he told her to apologise? For being asleep? For perhaps being on his side of the bed? That he would not apologise for hurting her repeatedly until she apologised first? For sleeping?

He could have a thousand sleep disorders that make him grumpy at night, grumpy on a morning, easy to wake, hard to wake, insomniac, narcoleptic, etc. He could be riddled with none of them, or the lot of them.

Its not OPs responsibility to accept being abused by any one for any reason.

We don't tell people who are being abused to just avoid the rough time the abuser is being abusive, because the rest of the time it's usually fine, because abuse evolves. Sometimes it evolves slowly so you don't even realise it's going on under your nose and other times it evolves so fast people are reading about your murder on the 10 o'clock news. It's insipid.

Abuse should have zero tolerance.

Get separate beds. Are you a snorer? Do you tend to take up than your share of the bed? He could be doing it reflexively half awake half asleep as I did with my dh.

Bollocks, read the OP and OPs subsequent posts - he knows exactly what he's doing, stop minimising it

My husband snores and while it can be annoying, you don't have to hurt someone to get them to turn over! Your husband is being spiteful and abusive towards you while you sleep which is deeply concerning. I think you need to consider separate bedrooms and explore why he thinks his behaviour is in any way justified.

Does your H expect you to apologise for doing something in your sleep?

Does he physically shove you to the point of you being in pain?

Does he hurt your shoulders and collarbone as he is so much bigger?

If no to all of these then your personal experience is pointless and of no help to the OP

This sleep arrangement is not safe. Sleep on another bed, in another room, on a matress on the floor, on the sofa, anywhere else but not with him

This. I accidentally mooshed over my partners side whilst sleeping last night, I wasn’t aware. He woke me gently and said ‘sweetheart I’m right on the edge can you squish over’ I did / and I was right on the edge at ‘his side’ - he would never ever ever push me or shove me - that’s assault. This morning he was off to work - I’m on holiday and he brought me water and a cup of tea and apologised to me for waking me up during the night. He’s 6 ft and I’m 5 ft.

so either he agrees to never assault you again - either wake you up gently or get out and go in spare room or tell him you are done

Absolutely this.

He is deliberately hurting you.
You are concerned enough to post here.
You need to take your safety seriously.
A big man hurting a small woman when she is asleep.

Please sleep elsewhere immediately and contact Women's aid for advice.

Take this seriously.

Didn't the queen and Philip sleep in separate rooms?

Please don’t minimise his behaviour, it is violent and abusive. You are vulnerable because you are asleep, you are vulnerable because of his size and strength. If he is awake then he is deliberately choosing to abuse you. If he is in some semi conscious state it doesn’t make his actions any better, it could be more likely to escalate. This isn’t a safe situation for you.

She is being physically abused by her partner. I think that's more than enough reason for people to advise OP to leave🙄

But he’s not doing it in his sleep. He knows he’s doing it. He’s told you he’s awake when he’s doing it. He says he’s doing it because you are doing XYZ preventing him sleeping, so it’s not that he’s asleep and has a hazy memory of doing it. You have told him it hurts and he continues to do it. He is fully aware of what he is doing.

I know you said "He also remembers doing it every time so he's awake" but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I do odd things in my sleep and it’s the action of doing them that wakes me up fully.

If he’s never like this in the daytime it seems odd that he has a personality change at night. Perhaps you really do go onto "his side" in your sleep and he pushes you out in his sleep. If you want to keep in the relationship and can afford it, I suggest getting a bigger bed! Alternatively, train yourself to sleep with one foot always touching the edge of the bed so you don’t encroach on his space. (That’s what I do.)

He’s not asleep. He’s literally said it’s because she’s keeping him awake. Don’t try to make excuses for him. He’s made it clear he’s awake and aware.

So glad I have my own bed 😅

I purchased a long side sleeper pillow when pregnant, baby is now 18 months and it’s not yet left the bed. It stops me rolling onto his side and stops me from getting bruises in the night from my limby husband. Also stops cold guffs going down the channel of two bodies in cold nights as that space is filled. Might add some protection whilst awaiting assessment?

I’m sorry but this is abuse. He’s doing it while you are asleep so you can’t blame him.

My partner does the same to me because I do suffer with sleep apnea I sometimes wake up choking it's scary he will poke and kick me out of it. He annoys me when he does it but I do understand why he worries that I will die in my sleep.