Partner shoves me whilst I sleep!

[Muddlethroughmam]

Partner is not a good sleeper, I am as long as I sleep before him (snoring).
However he quite frequently wakes me up by pushing/shoving me. Sometimes on my back and sometimes on my shoulders/collar bone area. He's a big guy and I'm very petite, It does hurt and quite often I wake up in pain from it.
He has apologised before but it's I'm sorry but you're in my way, or your hand is on my side of the bed preventing me from sleeping.
This morning he shoved me with both hands on my collar bones and it did hurt quite a bit. We got up and I said I expected an apology, he said I'll apologise when you apologize.
I've explained to him that he's hurting me and it's not right to continue to do it when this has been explained to him, I've asked him to wake me up if I'm in his way and ask me to move but he doesn't, he continues to shove me.
He also remembers doing it every time so he's awake but is continuing to do it.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable as to not apologise? As I am not purposely annoying him/getting in his way. He is purposely hurting me.

Do you snore OP? My DH does and when I give him a gentle shove so he readjusts his sleeping position it helps. Maybe he doesn't realize that he's really hurting you. Not excusing him, just asking the question.Also, having had problems with sleeping in the past it can make you extremely grumpy when you're struggling to sleep and the person beside you inhibits that in some way. Lack of sleep can really make your temper flare, it's actually so detrimental to mental and.physical health . Try separate rooms and see if he can sort his sleeping issue

I'm sorry but he has his hands on you with the intention of hurting you, that's not acceptable.

I'm often in the middle of the bed when my husband comes up apparently. He says he just tickles me on my arm or shoulder and I move. I don't ever recall it so I know he isn't physically hurting me. He has finally been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and has a CPAP machine but for years he'd snore. I would gently nudge his leg with my foot and he'd move position and off we both went back to sleep. At no point would I ever have laid my hands on him with the aim of hurting him. It's not pleasant when somebody is keeping you awake but it's not ok to hurt someone.

You're being very, very generous to him there.

It's clear he knows full well what he's doing and full well that it hurts her. She has told him repeatedly. She has asked him to wake her. He's continued to hurt her instead.

I've explained to him that he's hurting me and it's not right to continue to do it when this has been explained to him, I've asked him to wake me up if I'm in his way and ask me to move but he doesn't, he continues to shove me.

There is no need to hurt someone in bed to get them to move. This is abusive behaviour - he has given himself permission to put his hands on you with the intention of hurting you. However disruptive you are to his sleep (and to be honest, what you have reported does not sound bad) there is no reason for this. Sleep separately. And explain to him that he if he ever touches you with the intention of hurting you again, you are out of there.

How big is the bed?

Apologies if I missed your reply.

You need a bigger bed or separate single beds. He might not even know he is doing it.

He always remembers it and appears to be awake when he is doing it according to the OP.

@3luckystars

He might not even know he is doing it.

He does. She says in her first post:

He also remembers doing it every time so he's awake but is continuing to do it.

And confirmed again in another post:

I am asleep, He seems to have been awake every time he's woken me up from it.

You are probably right.

My understanding is that HE is the snorer, so he must have sleep problems and there is a chance that he seems awake but is asleep. For all we know she could be hurting him or rolling on top of him in her sleep too.

but regardless it has to stop, the thought of someone moving me or going at me in my sleep is awful. I can totally understand why you are so upset.

it’s really easy to get separate beds and find out. She said he does absolutely nothing like this during the day so it’s worth trying this solution before ending the relationship.

I find this really disturbing OP. Like he’s enacting anger and aggression that’s passive/hidden in daytime waking hours. There’s no excuse for him doing this after you’ve told him even ONCE that he has hurt you. If he wants you to turn over due to snoring, there are other, non-violent ways of achieving that. Is there another bedroom he or you could go to, and if there is, why is he choosing to shove you instead?
Just .. no. All wrong. Do not accept it.

Why are you falling over yourself to defend him?

If he was asleep, he wouldn't know what he's doing and have no memory of doing it. He's awake, remembers what he did and isn't the least bit sorry for hurting her.

Doesn't matter that it doesn't happen during the day because it happens at night.

@3luckystars

I'm unsure why you seem keen to give him the benefit of the doubt despite OP being very clear.

This morning he shoved me with both hands on my collar bones and it did hurt quite a bit. We got up and I said I expected an apology, he said I'll apologise when you apologize.

Even if he did this by accident, in his sleep (which sounds unlikely), do you think that a decent man who respects his partner would refuse to apologise for even 'accidentally' shoving them in their collar bones with both hands and causing pain in the process?

How can you possibly think this is a man who is fundamentally decent?

He is hurting you 😡
time for separate beds and see if that works

He is looking at you asleep and making the decision to do something he knows hurts you. As an outsider my opinion is that he is abusive and hates you and his response is to gaslight you.
Its up to you but i would leave. What else are you willing to put up with OP? I bet there is more to this story.

100%. Your OP was actually quite disturbing to read.

I don't think she'd be capable of shoving him as she mentioned she was very petit and he was large.
It's so awful to imagine.

Pushing you to your collar bone in particular sounds quite calculated and nasty. I mean I’ve given my OH a gentle elbow to the back when he’s been snoring and needs to change position but this is in a different league. I’m trying to picture a shove to the collar bone and I’m imagine like almost a throttling motion. He awake and perfectly aware of what he’s doing and he’s unrepentant. You could sleep in separate beds but I’m thinking you have bigger problems than this.

He's awake and conscious.

He's doing it because you have done something he disapproves of and feels he can correct you.

He is bigger and stronger than you are.

His behaviour hurts and scares you.

You have explained this and asked him not to do it.

He keeps doing it.

Do you actually NEED any advice here?

If your husband was pushing and shoving you (hurting you deliberately) during the day I think you’d agree his behaviour is horrible.
Being in bed/trying to sleep doesn’t make it any easier to excuse.

If he’s asleep and it’s sleep apnoea, then separate beds. I slept in a separate room, because of the additional snoring.
if he’s awake and deliberately hurting you, and is demanding you apologise while not apologising to you, I’d dump him. He should at least be acknowledging and apologising for hurting you. Nothing you can do justifies that. Making it your fault, you deserve it is a huge red flag and not acceptable.
Side question..double bed, king, superking? If it’s only a double, you could try superking. Didn’t stop my OH who would shove so hard after creeping across to my side (excuse being to cuddle in) , I’d end up on the floor.
However, whatever the bed size, his attitude is appalling and I would not be spending another night I didn’t have to.

My DH is a terrible snorer. I wouldn’t dream of shoving or pushing him when he’s asleep. I speak in a really quiet voice and would touch him gently, anything else is really disrespectful.
OP, as other have said, you’re vulnerable when you’re asleep and he could potentially really hurt you under the guise of ‘you were on my side of the bed’. I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

My DH has a nerve neuropathy issue the doctor has him trying different meds for. Sometimes due to this issue/side effects he kicks me in his sleep, and sometimes if I put my leg over him etc in my sleep it can cause him pain. Do you know in both cases we are both sorry and apologise to each other even though we both know it isn't something we've done on purpose. This man knows* *he is doing this and expects you to apologise?! In what other situation would that make sense?

And just to add when I hurt my DH, he doesn't shove me he gently moves/rolls me off him or wakes me up (also gently by whispering, stroking my face) to ask if I can move.

This is a big red flag for me. You are vulnerable when asleep and he’s taking advantage of that to hurt you. I wouldn’t be going for a separate room, I’d be binning him off.

Separate beds?