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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner shoves me whilst I sleep!

195 replies

Muddlethroughmam · 05/08/2024 08:19

Partner is not a good sleeper, I am as long as I sleep before him (snoring).
However he quite frequently wakes me up by pushing/shoving me. Sometimes on my back and sometimes on my shoulders/collar bone area. He's a big guy and I'm very petite, It does hurt and quite often I wake up in pain from it.
He has apologised before but it's I'm sorry but you're in my way, or your hand is on my side of the bed preventing me from sleeping.
This morning he shoved me with both hands on my collar bones and it did hurt quite a bit. We got up and I said I expected an apology, he said I'll apologise when you apologize.
I've explained to him that he's hurting me and it's not right to continue to do it when this has been explained to him, I've asked him to wake me up if I'm in his way and ask me to move but he doesn't, he continues to shove me.
He also remembers doing it every time so he's awake but is continuing to do it.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable as to not apologise? As I am not purposely annoying him/getting in his way. He is purposely hurting me.

OP posts:
Tel12 · 05/08/2024 09:00

Single beds are the way to go.

blondieminx · 05/08/2024 09:01

you’ve told him it hurts

he’s awake when he does the thing you’ve told him hurts you again

this is abuse - please start planning to get out and talk to women’s aid or refuge xx

SetinTime · 05/08/2024 09:01

Is that all you want OP? An apology?

Georgethecat1 · 05/08/2024 09:02

He’s 100% not sleep walking? I do this to my DH and talk a load of nonsense. Not all sleep walkers will leave the bedroom or even get out of bed (I have occasionally but mainly sit up in bed)

If he’s awake and doing it on purpose as he’s annoyed this is a different kettle of fish.

I think you need to sit him down tonight and understand if he’s awake and frustrated or if he’s in a dream state / half conscious. It’s key to understand what to do next, if there’s malice and he’s awake I’m not sure you should carry on the relationship

ChildlessCatLadiesRuleOK · 05/08/2024 09:02

Sharing a bed clearly does not work for you and your partner.

Choochoo21 · 05/08/2024 09:03

I understand him being annoyed that you are taking up too much space on his side of the bed (I need space when I sleep too) but there is absolutely no reason to shove you to hurt you.

You have told him it hurts and he is continuing to do it - he is intentionally hurting you.

It wouldn’t take much to wake you up or just gently move you but he’s getting frustrated and wants you to know it.

You need to get separate beds.
Either in separate rooms or swap the double for 2 singles and have a gap between the 2.

You may find once you’re in separate beds, the rest of the relationship is fine and you’ll wish you had done this sooner.
Or you may find this behaviour is just the tip of the iceberg and there are other issues.

mummytrex · 05/08/2024 09:06

You're not being dramatic OP. You're asleep and vulnerable and ought to be safe, but you're not. If he cared he'd wake you up not continue to shove you when he knows he is hurting you.

rwalker · 05/08/2024 09:10

Is he trying to move you as your in the middle of the bed and he doesn’t have enough room

HermioneMakepeace0 · 05/08/2024 09:10

Wtf?! When I’m in the grip of insomnia and my husband is snoring loudly next to me and taking up my space, sometimes it is tempting to shove him. I’ve never actually done it though. Because that would be abusive and wrong.

don’t minimise this, OP. This is dreadful.

MrsWhistleD0wn · 05/08/2024 09:14

4 options.

  1. he wakes you up and you move over.

  2. get separate beds.

  3. get a bigger bed. Queen size?

  4. everytime he shoves you and then goes to sleep, shove him back see how he likes it.

There's no excuse, he's awake when doing it he knows that he's intentionally hurting you!

DeliciousApples · 05/08/2024 09:15

It's not acceptable. Nobody should hurt someone they love, especially after they've been told they are doing so.

Separate beds (or separate bedrooms) while telling him why, ie because he is hurting you.

If he's not apologetic for hurting you then he doesn't care about you so time to get your ducks in a row and leave.

Heronwatcher · 05/08/2024 09:20

What would he do if you shoved him every time he snores?

If the relationship is ok otherwise sleep in separate beds or better still if he snores separate rooms. If he’s a decent guy he’ll understand.

If he’s a twat about it tell him it’s because you don’t enjoy being beaten up when you’re asleep. And make plans to leave.

Stop with the forced apology stuff too, if he was really sorry he’d have apologised straight away and suggested a solution which meant that it would never happen again.

Part of me thinks he just doesn’t like you and this is an excuse to get some of his frustration out with a semi-plausible excuse.

Inspireme2 · 05/08/2024 09:21

Super king bed
Thump him back
A long pregnancy pillow

Baseline14 · 05/08/2024 09:23

I'm a dreadful sleeper and I get super angry at my lovely DH who could sleep anywhere when he is snoring away. I occasionally rub his back to get him to stop snoring or give him a nudge to wake him up a bit if he's right in my face or more often than not I get up and go to an alternative bed/sofa. I can say without any doubt that I have never under any circumstances shoved him in the collarbones not would I ever think that was appropriate behaviour.

Chonkadoodle · 05/08/2024 09:23

I was married for ten years to a brute of a man who used to do this. I’m now with a man who is ten years younger than me and treats me like the most delicate flower when I’m asleep. Gentleness is such an attractive quality.

Futurascope · 05/08/2024 09:24

If I hurt someone I love accidentally in my sleep, I would be hugely apologetic. If it happened more then once, accidentally, I would seek a solution eg) separate sleeping, as I wouldn’t want it to happen again.

If I hurt someone on purpose when I was awake and they were asleep - well I wouldn’t do that. Because it’s abusive.

Neither of these scenarios in your case shows someone who is giving you and love, care or respect.
You say you feel dramatic, but this person is hurting you and doesn’t seem to care about that fact. It isn’t OK.

countrysidelife2024 · 05/08/2024 09:25

this sounds like abuse to me, I am an annoying sleeper but my husbands never hurt me, he does roll me onto my side if im snoring which helps me but i hardly even wake up from it as its very slow and light handed, I would be leaving sorry but if he doesnt care if hes hurting you then thats not a good sign is it

IncompleteSenten · 05/08/2024 09:26

Tell him since he seems to want to hurt you for the crime of sleeping wrong, you'll be buying two single beds to replace the double.

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 05/08/2024 09:27

Georgethecat1 · 05/08/2024 09:02

He’s 100% not sleep walking? I do this to my DH and talk a load of nonsense. Not all sleep walkers will leave the bedroom or even get out of bed (I have occasionally but mainly sit up in bed)

If he’s awake and doing it on purpose as he’s annoyed this is a different kettle of fish.

I think you need to sit him down tonight and understand if he’s awake and frustrated or if he’s in a dream state / half conscious. It’s key to understand what to do next, if there’s malice and he’s awake I’m not sure you should carry on the relationship

I think op has already confirmed that he is indeed awake. And also remembers it the next day, and even after being told he's hurting her - when it happens, and the next day - he not only doesn't apologise (that wouldn't be enough anyway!), he also blames her for it! He knows exactly what he is doing. In and of itself, deliberate sleep deprivation by another person is a form of abuse, with or without the hitting. This is not a sleep disorder. And even if he receives a diagnosis of sleep apnea, then that would just be incidental. @Muddlethroughmam please don't let him use this to excuse his behaviour.

Of course it's not easy to just get up and move your entire life out in one day, so it isn't always as easy as "just leave him". I think most of us are aware enough to know that's actually rarely how it happens. Unfortunately. And for any myriad of reasons.
You say, though, that you don't know if this is even a reason for leaving, but why wouldn't it be? As at least one pp has said if he was pushing and shoving and hurting you during the day would you then see it as abusive, do you think? Think of it this way - not as him just pushing and shoving you during the night - "my partner continuously pushes, shoves and hurts me. I tell him it hurts and he says it's my own fault and that he'll continue to do so if I go too near him". This is basically what is happening. How is it happening at night, when you're asleep, and painful enough to wake up any different at all? It's exactly the same thing. He's deliberately hurting you, even though you tell him it hurts and ask him to stop, and what's more he's telling you it's your fault and he's clearly got no intentions of stopping. The fact that it happens whilst you're asleep? Both irrelevant but also actually worse, you're in the most vulnerable condition whilst you're asleep.

I think you need to at least consider what is actually going on here. It may take a while for it to sink in that you're being abused, and what that reality means for your relationship, and then you need to do what you need to do... the worse thing of all, and the most concerning, is he's fully, 100% aware of what he's doing, that it hurts you but he doesn't care and is going to carry on. This has a real possibility of becoming even worse. You need to look at the rest of your relationship in an objective way, as much as you can. Or think about the things you've likely minimised or excused in the past and maybe what you would think if it wasn't you, but your daughter, or your mum...

EveningSpread · 05/08/2024 09:28

"He's not punching me" is an incredibly low bar OP. No way would I feel safe, loved or cared for by someone who treated me this way while I was asleep.

My DP can snore or get on my side of the bed. He's bigger than me. I move him gently. Who the hell would SHOVE their sleeping, deeply loved partner in bed?!

GabriellaMontez · 05/08/2024 09:28

Pushed your collar bones with both hands?

Absolutely no need. An aggressive, disproportionate response to his irritation.

Then demands you apologise... wow. He's a fucker. Is this a new relationship? Have you had other disagreements before? How did he respond?

Lovingsummers · 05/08/2024 09:30

I sometimes have to shove my DH but it's very gentle and just makes him roll over and stop snoring. It doesn't even wake him and he has usually got no memory of it. He actually appreciates me doing this because he's not getting good quality sleep if he's snoring. What I don't do is hurt him ever. If I did, I'd consider it abuse. If there are issues, you find a solution that doesn't involve hurting your partner. What's he like in general? Are there other areas of life he's not treating you as he should?

It doesn't sound like you two should be sharing a bed, or maybe even a bedroom, at the very least.

Lurkingandlearning · 05/08/2024 09:30

One of the more cowardly ways a man has found to assault his wife. And it is assault.

Does he physically move you out if his way in other situations?

As he is deliberately hurting you as punishment for you straying to his side of the bed an apology from him would be meaningless.

Just end it but if you must stay get separate beds.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 05/08/2024 09:31

Muddlethroughmam · 05/08/2024 08:51

Apologies, I'm not sure. I feel a bit dramatic thinking about leaving etc, I feel like I'm making a big deal out of it. He's not punching me etc, there's no other aspects of our relationship like this, I'm conflicted.

But he’s deliberately hurting you, slap, shove, punch, what difference?

Timeforanotheraliasnow · 05/08/2024 09:31

Maybe you are encroaching on him in your sleep but that's unintentional. You can fix this with separate beds / rooms but he sounds angry & resentful and I'm not sure you don't have a bigger problem here.