Partner shoves me whilst I sleep!

[Muddlethroughmam]

Partner is not a good sleeper, I am as long as I sleep before him (snoring).
However he quite frequently wakes me up by pushing/shoving me. Sometimes on my back and sometimes on my shoulders/collar bone area. He's a big guy and I'm very petite, It does hurt and quite often I wake up in pain from it.
He has apologised before but it's I'm sorry but you're in my way, or your hand is on my side of the bed preventing me from sleeping.
This morning he shoved me with both hands on my collar bones and it did hurt quite a bit. We got up and I said I expected an apology, he said I'll apologise when you apologize.
I've explained to him that he's hurting me and it's not right to continue to do it when this has been explained to him, I've asked him to wake me up if I'm in his way and ask me to move but he doesn't, he continues to shove me.
He also remembers doing it every time so he's awake but is continuing to do it.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable as to not apologise? As I am not purposely annoying him/getting in his way. He is purposely hurting me.

Oof. I started reading the OP and thought at first that he was shoving you in his sleep. But he's awake? He's deliberately hurting you because he's cross about not being able to sleep, when you are doing nothing wrong. I don't think there's anything more to be said, really.

fixed typo

I think what everybody is saying is that he seems to have found a way to abuse you which is sneaky and underhand. That's quite a level of violence he is getting away with. People assume there must be something more going on and that he must really be simmering with rage. Most normal large men do not manhandle their smaller partners enough to hurt them. He sounds awful to me but is the rest of your relationship truly fine? I find it difficult to believe that there are no other problems when a man deliberately hurts you and wants you to apologise to him.

Also for the record I am a horrible snorer and DH is a very light sleeper. In 25 years he has never once hurt me while I slept.

Please consider your risk. I have been sleepung next to my six foot husband, Im 5’2” for 33 years and he has never hurt me even when I was rolling into his side. Being able to sleep safely with the other person is a very important part of sexual safety and its a learned skill—we learn it as a baby when we are safe being unconscious next to our mothers.

There is something horrifying about a man who resentfully injures s smaller, more vulnerable person when they are asleep. if he were injuring the family dog, or horse, the responses would be more ferocious than they are. Apparently its not a problem for some mumsnetters when a man deliberately injures his wife covertly and then denies it is serious enough for an apology.

Dump.

Hahaa but you're talking about someone's whole marriage and relationship. It's a bit flippant to say leave him.
OP hasn't brought up any other issues in the relationship and this behaviour is just plain strange!

This. He knows he's hurting you and he's still doing it. It's abuse, OP.

Agreed. Zero tolerance for abuse
i don’t need to be lectured on that as I carry PTSD around with me for that.
i read other things she said. Separate beds seemed like a good options given she said it happened at night. God knows what’s going on. But removing herself from his bed might start to untangle the mess

People need to stop making excuses for this man, read the OPs posts. He is abusing OP. Don’t minimise it.

This really really isn't ok!

I think the people looking for solutions (bigger bed, pillows in between etc) are missing the point here.

Choosing to continually Inflict physical pain on your partner, even when told it hurts and asked to stop, is abusive. No mistake about it. It also shows a lack of respect for you.

I am guilty of snoring, crossing the invisible line, quilt stealing etc but not once has DH resorted to anything close to causing pain. He shakes me awake, like a normal, reasonable person.

If a man is deliberating hurting a woman, even though he's been told, he's abusive.

Just because it hasn't leaked out in other areas yet, she should leave.

Pillow in the middle?

I agree @AGodawfulsmallaffair the whole "it's down to sleep apnea" is minimising the severity of this situation.

This morning he shoved me with both hands on my collar bones and it did hurt quite a bit.

Shoving someone who is asleep (you, @Muddlethroughmam is an intentional act of abuse. He has both hands on your collar bone and it hurt you, is not someone accidentally knocking you in their sleep, this is your partner deliberately grabbing you and hurting you.

my DH used to snore and when it became a concern (because snoring/apnea has serious health problems associated with it) he did something about it - we got one of those pillow wedges which has over time made a significant difference. He has never ever grabbed, shoved, punched me due to his sleep apnea

Please don't let your DP off the hook. He could end up maiming or killing you because he's awake and you're at your most vulnerable, asleep.

🙄

Not just a shove though is it? OP is waking up in pain after getting beat up by her partner in her sleep.

Are people also missing the significant fact that he “shoved her collarbones?” That is not the place any normal person puts their hands if they are sincerely trying to shove/move a bedmate. The leverage is all wrong. You can’t move an unconscious or semi conscious body that way.

Putting your hands violently on a woman’s neck is highly correlated with the most dangerous kind of domestic violence.

I really think OP should remove herself from the bed, first, and then if he can’t or won’t bother himself to make a repair then from the marriage.

He’s violent and abusive. He’s relieving anger at you (for no good reason) by violently shoving you in order to hurt you while you’re vulnerable and asleep.

This is very, very concerning.

Yeah, just that one small thing. He's only hitting her. It's only physical and emotional abuse, so as long as that's all he's doing and doesn't hit her all the time and everything else is good. It's ok, he's only hitting her at night and not during the day (so far) and only being mentally abusive and gaslighting her during the day. Phew. So long as he smiles at her sometimes, makes the occasional cup of tea, maybe even washes up now and again, and only hurts and scares her part of the time** 👍🏻

I'm actually disgusted at every single one of you on here who has victim blamed, minimised, made a joke, told her it doesn't matter if he hits her so long as everything else is ok (what everything might that be then?), told her it's a sleep disorder and he can't help it. Those who cannot read that she has tried to discuss it during the day, he's wide awake when he does it and further tells her during the day that it's her fault and that she needs to apologise to him for making him hurt her. Are you listening? He knows what he is doing. He is awake. It is discussed during the day and he isn't going to stop because she won't apologise to him (she has nothing to apologise for. Nothing.).

And, incidentally, for those of you excusing his behaviour and telling us we have no idea about sleep disorders, I do suffer from some pretty bad sleep disorders, which each have many symptoms and consequences, and can cause really strange behaviours amongst other things (often things I can't even remember and I have no idea that I've done such and such), and yet I still wouldn't punch my (5ft) partner (6ft) if he woke me up with snoring, or took the duvet or rolled over on me, or took up 3/4 of the bed so that I fall out. If I hadn't slept in days and was desperately tired, or was doing unusual things (which also would never, ever make me violent towards anyone, and if it did I would be absolutely devastated and would apologise so much and take all responsibility and do whatever I possibly could to reduce the chance of it ever happening again), and literally at the end of my tether I still wouldn't do any of those things. Same as he would never hit me because I might keep him awake all night, or the strange behaviours might wake him up. Or if it's me that's snoring. Neither of us have resorted to violence. And when it is being a big problem we simply sleep in separate rooms so that I'm not disturbing him continuously, all night, every night. You see? So yeah, I'm not being aggressive I am literally stunned at what I'm reading on here. Op, it is not your fault. It is not ok. It is not normal. You do not deserve it or just have to put up with it. Thankfully there are more people on here that can see what is happening than those of you excusing domestic violence or telling the op it's her own fault and the poor thing doesn't mean it. Those of you who clearly can't read, or even think. How the fuck do you even manage to find your way on to the internet in the first place? What is it they say about if you put enough monkeys and typewriters into a room...?

Inexcusable. Thankfully you are the minority on here. I hope to god if some of you are experiencing this behaviour yourself and don't yet realise it's not ok, that you too can have a safe future.

There is never an excuse for violence towards women and children.^ Never.^ Even more sickening when it is (apparently) women making the excuses.

I don’t sleep for long, around 4 hours a night 😫
maybe OP’s husband wakes her because he’s worried about her breathing or something?
sleep apnea?

Don't be in a relationship with someone who thinks it’s acceptable to put their hands on you. Night or day, doesn’t make a difference.

Leave.

That’s a reach

You need separate bedrooms, in different houses!
He sounds like a horrible man.

Surely you just get separate beds? I used to push and white my husband he kept me awake for literally years on end and I was at the end of my tether. I wanted to suffocate him. Now we have separate beds and it’s all sorted.
He shouldn’t be continuing to hurt you that needs to stop while you find a resolution.

A room of your own.