Partner shoves me whilst I sleep!

[Muddlethroughmam]

Partner is not a good sleeper, I am as long as I sleep before him (snoring).
However he quite frequently wakes me up by pushing/shoving me. Sometimes on my back and sometimes on my shoulders/collar bone area. He's a big guy and I'm very petite, It does hurt and quite often I wake up in pain from it.
He has apologised before but it's I'm sorry but you're in my way, or your hand is on my side of the bed preventing me from sleeping.
This morning he shoved me with both hands on my collar bones and it did hurt quite a bit. We got up and I said I expected an apology, he said I'll apologise when you apologize.
I've explained to him that he's hurting me and it's not right to continue to do it when this has been explained to him, I've asked him to wake me up if I'm in his way and ask me to move but he doesn't, he continues to shove me.
He also remembers doing it every time so he's awake but is continuing to do it.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable as to not apologise? As I am not purposely annoying him/getting in his way. He is purposely hurting me.

I am an ‘active sleeper’ I sleepwalk, talk, wriggle and sit up randomly, I have no recollection of doing any of these things the next day.
My husband has never shoved me or become cross with my antics. Many nights I have accidentally woken him by apparently trying to find my way out of the room but not where the door is and other random things.
The fact your DP can remember shoving you means he definitely is not doing it whilst he is asleep….
it sounds like he is becoming annoyed and taking his frustration out on you deliberately, I would sleep elsewhere if you are determined to stay. I honestly couldn’t think of anything much worse then someone knowing they are hurting you and continuing to do it when you are asleep and defenceless.

Maybe I am to giving him the benefit of the doubt but we are only hearing one side of it. We don’t actually know if he is asleep or not, he might seem awake but is not awake. If I talk or laugh in my sleep someone would say it to me the next day and I would remember but I would have been in no control over it at the time and was definitely asleep.

I just feel like it is completely unacceptable for him to do this, yes, but we are only hearing half the story, she could be one of those boiling hot people who take over the whole bed and is kicking him all night, we don’t actually know if they are in a single bed together, but if they try separate beds then she would know for sure if he is bad or very bad.

I think the fact he remembers doing it and refuses to apologise for it means it’s happening deliberately, I’m always slightly embarrassed and very apologetic when I’ve disrupted my DH sleep, because I feel awful when he’s lost sleep because I’ve been wandering around and that’s not something I can control…. The original posters partner can choose to stop shoving her, especially after she has told him it’s hurting her. He is choosing to continue

@3luckystars

I just feel like it is completely unacceptable for him to do this, yes, but we are only hearing half the story, she could be one of those boiling hot people who take over the whole bed and is kicking him all night

What on earth would that have to do with whether it's right or wrong for him to shove her in the collarbones with both hands while she's sleeping, to the point it hurts her?

If she's 'one of those boiling hot people' that would be acceptable would it? Blimey.

It's really odd how keen you are to find a way that his behaviour isn't that bad or that OP's behaviour somehow makes her culpable. Bizarre.

Even if she’s kicking him all night, he can wake her up without shoving her so hard that she’s still in pain the next day.

He is aware of what he’s doing and refuses to apologise. That says it all.

I wouldn’t want to sleep in the same house as him.

Oh no, I am a sleep-pusher! When dh is snoring or taking up the bed I need to push him quite hard to move him. I am small and he is big. I hadn't thought about it, usually in my tired state it feels quite justified, but you're right that it's not the most loving way to go about it.

In your position, I would tell him that you understand you need to be moved, but can he please do it more gently. Maybe he's tried waking you but it didn't work? Also maybe the interaction is more "waking" for him?

Or you could escalate it and put him on the sofa until he understands that he is hurting you in your sleep.

She's tried all that:

I've explained to him that he's hurting me and it's not right to continue to do it when this has been explained to him, I've asked him to wake me up if I'm in his way and ask me to move but he doesn't, he continues to shove me.

He doesn't give a shit.

I wasn't clear. I meant that perhaps him trying to wake her isn't a good solution. Perhaps they could find a solution where he could just move her more gently. Not excusing him hurting her. It's weird that he's not apologetic.

It is weird that he is not apologising I agree.

This is the sort of shit testing abusive men do; and I do not think it is the only thing he does. A deliberate action which hurts you and which he blames you for the pettiest reason and says you need to apologize?

More red flags than a communist gathering.

At least sleep elsewhere; you will end up getting nervous going to bed which is what I think he wants. Why is another matter

Leave him, the guy is a bully.
You can’t help snoring but he would - if you were in a permanent relationship - have grounds to discuss you trying to fix this.
But he isn’t, and now the guy sounds like a total ah.
Run. Run now and never look back - he is an unpleasant, controlling twat.
I genuinely hope that this has helped - I am worried for you.

Leave him, the guy is a bully.
You can’t help snoring but he would - if you were in a permanent relationship - have grounds to discuss you trying to fix this.
But he isn’t, and now the guy sounds like a total ah.
Run. Run now and never look back - he is an unpleasant, controlling twat.
I genuinely hope that this has helped - I am worried for you.

Can you read @Boohbooh? He knows damn well he's really hurting her. He doesn't care and won't even apologise. I think separate homes would be the better option.

OP, my DH frequently occasionally strays into my territory while asleep, so I touch his arm and say, "shift over, spud", and he grunts lovingly and does so. Why hasn't your complete shit of a boyfriend tried that approach rather than resorting to actual violence and causing your pain?

Can I ask how long you have been together? Like others, I am very concerned that this could be gateway abuse.

Finally, all the props to @Whatwaswrongwiththatusernamefor her insightful and concerned posts on this thread.

You need separate beds at the very least. If not that, separate completely.

Thank you, @Idontjetwashthefucker yes, I have taken this to heart for some reason. My usual, infrequent, posts are usually far opposite from this, but if this is the proverbial mumsnet hill I die on, then so be it. I realise that the people I am frustrated and angry with are - unfortunately - not going to be the ones who read even the OP’s posts, so I know it’s basically shouting into the void.

I just hope that whatever op decides to do about this, the majority of people on here are supporting her and possibly allowing her to see this for what it actually is, and I genuinely wish @Muddlethroughmam a wonderful life, the one she deserves, without the guilt and blame she’s currently experiencing. I hope she’s able to let go of that ❤️

ETA: thank you @FetchezLaVache also, I had to come out of this post to find your name as I had seen your post, I do believe that we are in the majority here, thankfully, and I hope that the OP has what she’s come here for. I do also hope that my own posts didn’t derail this for her, and I did apologise to her earlier if that was the case. I realise I can sometimes be very passionate about things, but genuinely only when it’s something that I care about, and is important or a situation such as this where someone doesn’t know if they should be beating themselves up or not, when they 100% should not be. Not even an iota of this falls on her.

This is a typical gaslighting tactic. Disturbing your sleep so you remain disoriented and confused due to sleep deprivation.
Leave now, the abuse will get worse.

The answer to the sleep problem is to sleep in different rooms or at least different beds.

Bur he repeatedly pushes you while you're asleep and purposefully hurts you. You express to him that it hurts and he doesn't give a fuck and expects you to apologise for sleeping? I don't think jumping to an abusive relationship is a big leap. If he cared he would be waking you up gently, buying a separate bed, going to GP with slee problems etc.

Yes, very much this! I think this point is hugely important. And it’s being overlooked or ignored by many.

I’ve just come back to update. Not this morning but yesterday morning I woke up cocooning with my partner and then realised it felt odd -I was on the wrong side of the bed - his side and he was on mine. I was a bit perplexed and then he said - sorry darling you were right over my side in the night and I didn’t want to wake you (I haven’t been feeling great) so I just thought it was easier if I circled the bed - he got out and walked around my side and I got on very carefully I don’t think I woke you. That’s love right there.

So, let me get this straight.
-He hurts you when you're vulnerable: you're sleeping so you can't dodge him or defend yourself.
-He knows he's hurting you but refuses to apologise or stop his behaviour.
-He's made you believe you're overreacting because he doesn't 'punch' you.
-If he pushed so hard it hurts, that's technically similar level of force as a light punch. Why is there a specific line with punching in your mind?
-He thinks you're to blame for his decision to hurt you.

Honey. He's not just unreasonable and petty, he's abusive but also a coward because he's not upfront about hurting.

If you don't want to leave him asap (I would), start sleeping in a different room. If you can't, go away for a week to a hotel; when you get proper test you can think more clearly. Sleep deprivation can make you doubt yourself.

His behaviour is not normal, kind or loving. He's punishing you, that's not ok.