To date my friend's ex

[denpark]

I've found myself in a bit of a tricky situation.

I'm divorced and have been happily going out and enjoying my new life and fairly recently reconnected with a friend who is say was a good acquaintance rather than a best friend.

Her and her ex broke up about a year ago and she has been seeing someone else fairly seriously for about 7 months and seems very happy.

I was out at a pub a few weeks ago and her ex and I got chatting and one thing kind of led to another and we've ended up having a bit of a fling that we've kept fairly quiet.

But- he wants to start taking me out properly on dates where people we know will see us. I find myself really liking him but I'm not sure what to do.

He's a really fun person to be around and makes me laugh, which I've not had in ages. Plus we click and there's an attraction there that's pretty intense.

What do I do?

Ah. Small towns. Unique ecosystems.

totally normal then. Date away!

All this girl code stuff you should never date an ex is ridiculous. Actually I think there are very few decent blokes out there especially as you get a bit older and the circumstances of this seem fine to me. They werent that serious (married, engaged, kids etc). They have been separated a while, the friend has a new partner and is not a close friend.
Would i mention it yes - in a casual way - hey I bumped in Dave actually we got on really well and he mentioned about going out. I like him but I feel a bit awkward ... see what she says. Take it from there. She might have dumped him?

Just ask her if she's ok with it.

I had a friend ask me if I was ok with her dating an ex I'd only been with briefly but had been very keen on (which she knew). I was fine with it, and your friend will probably be fine too.

If she's not ok about it, then at least you know and can make an informed decision on which relationship means most to you.

I think this is fine. Casual, no kids, no baggage, I say crack on!

Wow! Just come back on to see so many more messages.

Update- she knows. We've talked and she's absolutely fine with it. She's very happy with her new partner & her and her ex are still friends so she wants to see him (and me) grab a chance at potential happiness too.

The posters that said about small town dating are spot on. There's such a limited range so to find someone you click with is rare.

As you aren't overly close and they weren't that serious, I don't think there's any issue here.
I'd properly go on dates a little further a field to begin with to be sure it was going the right way before being public knowledge if you like your private life private but you have nothing to hide in my opinion.
Be kind to yourself and be happy.
You only live once 🙂

Great update!

Have fun and enjoy.

What that tells you is he was honest, it was her who binned him off and she doesn’t care, she’s not remotely interested in him and you’re welcome to him.

I replied upthread saying it was a bit 'ick' and if you continued you need to tell her before she sees you out. Well good for you - had the talk everyone's happy.

Wishing you all the best OP. Well handled

Thank you everyone. All I wanted to do was ensure that she was on. I would have walked away from it if she wasn't as it's too small a place to be dealing with potential fallout.

So far he seems like a really great guy and I genuinely haven't felt this looked after and safe in a long while, so it's really nice.

Ensure she was ok!

Random update for anyone who cares.

They got back together :(

He went very quiet on me around the end of August out of the blue then a few weeks later texted me to tell me that he was getting back with her.

I didn't see it coming.

She dumped her other half and he's gutted.

Nice....

Kinda seems like he used you, to get close to her again. Like a look what you’re missing out on.

Another reason to always be carefully dating a friends ex. Trying to find out true motives.

Goodness that makes things awkward now with the friendship, I guess she had FOMO thinking he was a catch after all, as you wanted to date him. However a guy flipping between friends like that, is probably a bullet dodged.

God knows what his reasoning was but it has seriously knocked my self-esteem and confidence. I'm not sure how our friendship will be but the whole thing is very fucked up, especially as she said she was 'so happy' in her new relationship and wished us the best.

Seriously seriously fed up.

Bloody hell OP I was not expecting that update. What a pair of wankers. You're well rid of them both. Big hugs.

See this is why you don't do things like dating your friends ex. You tried making it seem like she was an acquaintance when you posted, but you knew it's something off. Now you've 'lost' a boyfriend and friend. Mutual friends will most likely side with her too.

Same rules, don't date your boss or coworker, your child's friends parents/teacher, friends or sisters ex's...

OMG op that's a crap update. Sorry x

What’s her recently dumped ex like? 😉

You are not an exs cast off. What a terrible thing to call yourself and other people.

You seriously think of yourself as your exs castoff? Have some pride in yourself.

This one wasn't meant to be Op. But I like to think that all relationships (even or maybe even especially the shit ones) teach us something to take into our next relationship. This wasn't a failure on your part.

I find a lot of this thread a bit depressing. "Sloppy seconds", "Girl Code" "Cast-Offs". It's all very high school. Life and relationships are complicated and messy.

Don't let what's happened dull your shine op. Get your arse back to that pub/music venue and enjoy yourself.

Well I mean logically a dumped person has been cast off.

Ops friend dumped this man. He was cast off, let go, rejected. And in the end use by the ex boyfriend to get the women he wanted back.

Thank you. A lot of the rhetoric on here has felt like going back to school!

I thought I'd done everything correctly by ensuring she was ok (which she said she was, and that she was so happy with her partner). So the turn of events was a huge surprise to both myself and her now ex, who is actually a very good friend of mine.

They clearly feel that they need to be together & myself and her ex have dodged huge bullets but it really wasn't a nice thing to deal with. I feel more sorry for the guy she was seeing as he was properly in love with her.

@DurinsBane He's an absolute sweetheart who is pretty damn brokenhearted at the moment.