To date my friend's ex

[denpark]

I've found myself in a bit of a tricky situation.

I'm divorced and have been happily going out and enjoying my new life and fairly recently reconnected with a friend who is say was a good acquaintance rather than a best friend.

Her and her ex broke up about a year ago and she has been seeing someone else fairly seriously for about 7 months and seems very happy.

I was out at a pub a few weeks ago and her ex and I got chatting and one thing kind of led to another and we've ended up having a bit of a fling that we've kept fairly quiet.

But- he wants to start taking me out properly on dates where people we know will see us. I find myself really liking him but I'm not sure what to do.

He's a really fun person to be around and makes me laugh, which I've not had in ages. Plus we click and there's an attraction there that's pretty intense.

What do I do?

Whether it was recent or not, whether it was long term or not, girl code! You're your own person and something tells me you're just looking for people to say "go for it!" But will do regardless.

If you consider this woman your friend (which you apparently do, though seem to be trying to downplay that, likely to give yourself more justification that this is ok) then stay away.

You have no idea if she still likes him or if there is lingering feelings. She might be with someone else now but you have no idea how hurt she might be when she finds out someone she considers a friend is sleeping with her ex.

Go for it, i have never understood people who have said, "oh you can't go out with him or her because i used to date them", since when did we start owning people again? They broke up! She moved on, he moved on. If you like him and vice versa then take your chance at happiness for yourself and forge a relationship with him, whether you just want a fling or something more serious with him is only up to the two of you and no one else. We are only on this planet for a finite amount of time so grab your chances where you can otherwise you may regret not doing so.

I think it depends on how the relationship and breakup between the friend and the ex was tbh, and also how close the two of you are. I think just let her know before you go public. That said, I was very casually seeing someone at one point (nothing serious or committed though) and ended up marrying his best friend! Was a bit awkward telling them both at the beginning, sure, but now we're all still friends and do things as a group now and again so I'd say if you think it could develop into something serious, go for it! Or even not necessarily serious, see how it goes but yes def give your friend a heads up first

I couldn't date a friend's ex.

I couldn't date a friend's ex.

I would suggest rather than guessing just talk to your friend. It mught feel awkward but its the best way.

its unlikely she would object as she has a new partner if she did you can just talk it through. This is the best way rather than her suddenly seeing out out on a date with him.

At least you told her and then you can keep you're friendship aswell. Any true relationship including friendships are based on honesty. It will work out better in the long run if you are honest. Good luck xx

I disagree on the point that there’s “millions” of other men out there. I mean technically yes there are. But I know that it’s rare that I meet someone I really click with. Hasn’t actually happened to me in years so if I were to meet someone now where I did, then realised it was a friends ex, well I can’t say that I’d then just walk away from him.

I stuck religiously to “girl code” in my younger years and turned down some men because of it. I’m not friends with any of those women now. No big falling out. We all moved to various different places, life moved on, we drifted apart etc etc. Maybe I missed out on a great relationship that might have gone the distance, for what?

So yes, I’d see it differently now. If you think this could go somewhere OP then I’d go for it but agree you should give her a heads up first.

Do you have any idea as to why they broke up? or what the RL was like when they were together . Maybe they grew apart ,maybe he was an arse to her and controlling.I would maybe sound her out first.I do wonder about men who go for previous wife/GF mates though

We live rurally. If nobody dated anyone else's ex over half the locals would be eternally single. Tell her out of respect, but don't make your choices around her. Sadly I've learned that most people we have consideration for would not return the favour anyway. She's moved on, she isn't pining after him.

Ugh I can't imagine dating (& the rest) any of my friends ex's

I've talked down a friend of mine who wanted to detonate their relationship, he was an "outsider" of our bubble & he was so cool, could I ever imagine "dating" him, absolutely not

My mammy was in a relationship with my uncle, dads brother,
a few years after my dad died

so no easy answer

Bit confused. A fling with her ex or has she split with her BF of 7 months. If it's her ex then why should she be bothered. Personally when my ex got together with a friend I was delighted. I had felt guilty as I left him because I didn't want to be with him any longer. He didn't feel the same and for two years caused problems by stalking me refusing to sell the house. So maybe you friend will feel the same. However doubt if you will be going out on dates together or holidays. Be careful as he may be using you to get at her.

You might lose your friendship so it depends if you think that's worth the sacrifice. I think it's fair enough you going for it, from what you say, given they weren't married, no kids, it was only a year. I'd give your friend the heads-up so that she finds out from you and not the local grapevine, though.

Why is that the decider? I've had relatively short but very close, intense, emotional relationships that mattered more to me than longer term ones (for various reasons). The important thing is how significant this was to her friend, certainly not how long it lasted. That's just one part of the picture.

You can't see why someone would be hurt by their friend getting together with an ex? Really?

go for it! Life’s too short, if you like him make it known! Maybe give her heads up before going too public if you feel close enough to do that but not obliged to.

Go for it. Better she hears it from you than someone else though.

You were happy that the bloke that was stalking you got together with a friend? I would be warning my friends to stay the hell away from someone like that not encouraging it?

It would make you a shit friend. And if I was your friend (not even necessarily the one who's ex it is) I would think less of you and tbh think you're untrustworthy. There's just some things you don't do. If this man is worth losing friends over then go for it I guess but I would feel really hurt seeing a friend putting a man they barely know above me

Talk to your friend about it?

Why would you be happy your friend dated your unhinged ex?

I would talk to her. And hope for the best.

This. A close friend of mine is married to an ex boyfriend of mine - I was fine with it as I had long since moved on and we weren’t together that long (no children or anything). A bit embarrassing at the first few get togethers, but I’ve long since got used to seeing them together. She told me as soon as she realised she really liked him.

Just make sure it's genuine and you're not a pawn in his game to get her mad/jealous?

Your choice!

man or friend!

it might not turn into singing and you might get both, but it’s still the choice you’re making (probably have already made with the original hookup).

do update!

I’d get in touch, tell her that he’s asked you out, and ask whether she minds.