To date my friend's ex

[denpark]

I've found myself in a bit of a tricky situation.

I'm divorced and have been happily going out and enjoying my new life and fairly recently reconnected with a friend who is say was a good acquaintance rather than a best friend.

Her and her ex broke up about a year ago and she has been seeing someone else fairly seriously for about 7 months and seems very happy.

I was out at a pub a few weeks ago and her ex and I got chatting and one thing kind of led to another and we've ended up having a bit of a fling that we've kept fairly quiet.

But- he wants to start taking me out properly on dates where people we know will see us. I find myself really liking him but I'm not sure what to do.

He's a really fun person to be around and makes me laugh, which I've not had in ages. Plus we click and there's an attraction there that's pretty intense.

What do I do?

I would go for it although you said their relationship was on/off, I'd be really cautious until you know him better, maybe not flaunt it too quickly.

a friend’s ex once made a play for me, when he saw me in a night out. Similar situation. He was saying all the right things to hook me, but it was a straight no. He really hurt my friend.

From what I can gather, she hurt him. But it's so tricky. I don't like upsetting people - but I'm always far too nice and end up losing out on things because I always put other people first.

I definitely want to keep it low key for a while as I like keeping my private life private. Plus then I have time to tell her in a suitable way if it actually looks like it might go somewhere.

I would personally let her know before hand out of respect. Im not saying ask for permission but its better she hears it first rather than on the grape vine.

I wouldn't mind if my friend dated an ex of mine. In fact, I've encouraged it before.

However, I would probably like to have been told by the new girlfriend rather than hearing through the grapevine (don't ask me why I think that, feelings are complicated! 😆).

If you’re going to publicly date then you need to give her the heads up.
otherwise you run the risk of someone doing it for you.

just drop her a message and say that you’re going on a date with X at the weekend.
you dont need to give any details or justification.
if she asks how it came about, you say you were chatting in a pub a few weeks ago and he’s asked you out.

They aren't together anymore and she's with someone else, so I say go for it. She doesn't own him forever just because they were together once. It's not as if she's sat at home weeping over him and desperately wants him back. Life's too short, if she falls out with you over it then I think she's being unreasonable.

Personally I wouldn’t, not if you’re close enough you’d need to tell her. I wouldn’t date a friends ex full stop there is something ick about it.

its just not the cool thing to do but you’ve already done it so why are you posting?

Depends why they broke up.

Does a bit of a fling mean you’ve shagged him? I’m also not sure why you’re posting.if that’s the case.

Friends’ exes are a big no from me. Even if they’re over each other, it’s a very odd dynamic for you to be suddenly hooked up with your friend’s ex. It’s bound to alter your friendship if not spoil it entirely. There are many decent men out there, why him?

What's more important to you? The guy or the friendship?

If it's the guy, crack on.
If it's the friend, speak to her. Find out where she's at with it, then you can decide from there. Hopefully she's like me and really doesn't care. I think it's most often a problem if the friend hasn't fully moved on - and it sounds like she has, so fingers crossed all will be well.

So - a) she's not a close friend, b) you don't know anything about their split, c) she only dated him on and off for a year or so as a post-divorce rebound thing and d) she's now in a serious relationship with someone else?

Yeah, it's fine to date this man. It's not like she was your best friend and they were married for 20 years and then split in a devastating and acrimonious divorce.

It's possible she might have a problem with it, but I don't think she'd actually have any justification it if she does.

Reading your OP again. Is she an acquaintance or a friend? You don’t seem to know yourself.

It depends how good of a friend this person is but personally I wouldn’t be getting involved with any of my friends ex’s. It’s just a bit icky.

If I'd known them when they were together and she'd confided in me and I'd witnessed the aftermath of their break up, then no, I wouldn't.

But she's moved on. He has the right to move on. She doesn't have the right to say who you or he date.

As long as you are ok to loose your friendship if she takes it badly. If you really think it could work with him then I would go for it.

It’s sooooo crazy that this guy has just magically appeared in your life/local just around the same time that you’ve rekindled a friendship with his recent ex. What a strange coincidence.

Surely you know the first thing to do is talk to your friend about her feelings? If the friendship is important to you then you have that conversation first and then see how it goes?

You may lose a friend. Is he worth it?

Talk to her these things are always worse when kept a secret and then come out. Then decide what’s worth it more the new relationship or this friendship. Hope she’s ok with it and you get to keep both!

Yes she says not best friend but good acquaintance. But clearly close enough she’d need to tell her, and close enough she knew they were together.
however not so close that when she met him down the pub she didn’t shag bin it seems..

I think the polite thing would be to tell her first. I know you've moved on and your happy with Steve but I just wanted to give you the heads up that Mark and I are seeing each other