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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date my friend's ex

150 replies

denpark · 04/08/2024 20:44

I've found myself in a bit of a tricky situation.

I'm divorced and have been happily going out and enjoying my new life and fairly recently reconnected with a friend who is say was a good acquaintance rather than a best friend.

Her and her ex broke up about a year ago and she has been seeing someone else fairly seriously for about 7 months and seems very happy.

I was out at a pub a few weeks ago and her ex and I got chatting and one thing kind of led to another and we've ended up having a bit of a fling that we've kept fairly quiet.

But- he wants to start taking me out properly on dates where people we know will see us. I find myself really liking him but I'm not sure what to do.

He's a really fun person to be around and makes me laugh, which I've not had in ages. Plus we click and there's an attraction there that's pretty intense.

What do I do?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 05/08/2024 12:47

No. Not ever. I don't understand women that think this is ok because it's really not.

There are so many men out there, you can do better than your friend's cast-offs. Ugh.

Lostinbrum · 05/08/2024 12:59

Go for it. She doesn't own him. You might have a future with this man. I wouldnt give that up for any friend. Put your self first

JJathome · 05/08/2024 13:01

Lostinbrum · 05/08/2024 12:59

Go for it. She doesn't own him. You might have a future with this man. I wouldnt give that up for any friend. Put your self first

Wow that’s really sad.

dimsumfatsum · 05/08/2024 13:09

I'd run it by her first- not to seek her permission or anything but to let her know from you before she hears it elsewhere. Something like: " Hi Bex, Just thought I'd let you know that Dave and I bumped into each other recently and have decided to see how things go. Thought I'd give you a heads up to avoid any awkwardness later. Bye!"

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 05/08/2024 13:17

Seems ethically ok to me, although possibly she may not like it. Her problem, though.

HollyKnight · 05/08/2024 13:36

Unless you live in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere with very few men, I don't understand why anyone would even consider getting with a friend's ex. Same with people who date their sister's exes. Just why? Anyway, you don't really care that much about upsetting your friend or you wouldn't have even gone there with him, so just carry on and own your decision.

Rosemarysprinkle · 05/08/2024 13:41

Just a different example perspective…

I’ve recently connected with an old friend who is new-ish ly divorced and it was nice chatting to her and meeting up. But so odd, I then find out a couple of months after we reconnected that she’s randomly started sleeping with my ex!

It’s too odd imo. You recently connect with a woman and then you start seeing her ex.

You have to do what you want, life is too short but personally I wouldn’t blame your friend for thinking bad of you. I’d definitely block you.

Moonshine5 · 05/08/2024 13:59

Personally I would not consider a long term relationship with an ex of a friend but depends on context - how close you are, whether you would approve if the role was reversed, etc.

DeliciousApples · 05/08/2024 14:09

I did that. Asked the friend first. She said it's fine go for it. I thought great.

Went for it and then she says she'd changed her mind and would I just dump him as it was too painful for her.

By then I was hooked. Thought it had real potential. Refused to dump. Broke girl code.

Was wrong and after a year I left him.

Have neither her friendship or him now. Though weirdly they are hanging out as friends now while dating others..... Ironic because I'd have been fine with that. Bugger.

So if you're going to ask/mention you're going out for coffee with him or whatever (which would be the respect thing to do) be prepared to have to choose between them....

Didimum · 05/08/2024 14:27

I think it's probably fine but you should give your friend a heads up. It's respectful.

Jellyandicecreamandcustard · 05/08/2024 14:37

I don't think you should be held back by the fact that someone who sounds like more of an acquaintance used to be in a relationship with him. Otherwise... she's happy with her new fella and you're what? Just put some thought into how you would tell her and when.

Mickey79 · 05/08/2024 14:43

Not for me. I don’t want a friends cast offs.

Fargo79 · 05/08/2024 14:52

I don't think it's ever really OK to date a friend's ex. Potentially if they aren't a close friend and it was a teenage relationship from 20+ years ago or something.

Obviously you can do what you want but it's very likely to end your friendship so go ahead only if you're prepared for that to be the case.

Sanch1 · 05/08/2024 14:55

Be prepared to lose her as a friend. This happened to me in very similar circumstances. He is now my DH and we have a DD, no hardly a flash in a pan, but exDF and I no longer speak.

Pannyfrants · 05/08/2024 14:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

FaintWhistle · 05/08/2024 15:38

No, I wouldn't cross that line.

Defo against girl code....so many men out there, no need to date a friends ex

usernother · 05/08/2024 15:44

Only if you want the sloppy seconds of your friend. And to lose her as a friend.

Quitelikeit · 05/08/2024 16:04

Message her and say ‘xxxx has asked me out on a date, would you recommend or is he is kipper 🤣🤣’

something light and jokey maybe

MounjaroUser · 05/08/2024 16:22

It's completely different if you were friends with her when she was dating him as she might wonder whether anything had gone on then, but now is fine - people talking about sloppy seconds are disgusting. Do you think your next partner will be a virgin?

tom5431 · 05/08/2024 16:34

Go for it - life's too short (& it appears she has already moved on).

I'm married to my friends ex-wife, their marriage had run it's course, he left her for someone else, there was no cross over at all (5yrs+ gap in fact), when I started seeing her I told him face-to-face (before he heard on the grapevine), we're over a decade on now, he's happy with a nice new woman (the relationship he left for didn't last), they had children so we're always going to be connected, when he's in town we all go out for a drink as a foursome and my wife jokes about being out with "both her husbands" and her & his GF are very friendly.....I still see him individually for a beer too.

Escaperoom · 05/08/2024 16:43

I married a friend's ex-boyfriend. Still together after nearly 40 years, 2 DC and 2 DGC. She wasn't a close friend however, just someone I had known for a long time. Their relationship wasn't serious, at least on his part and she had mentioned at least a couple of times that he wasn't the right person for her so I felt no guilt. She wasn't happy though and apparently tried to persuade other friends not to attend our wedding - without success. OP I think some people would take offence at this and you may lose her as a friend so it depends on how serious you think the relationship is. As mentioned I have absolutely no regrets as our marriage has lasted a lifetime but for a short term fling maybe not such a good idea.

Beezknees · 05/08/2024 16:45

No I wouldn't. I value my friends far more than any man.

MoveToParis · 05/08/2024 16:51

denpark · 05/08/2024 11:26

The guy isn't her ex husband or long term partner. They were together for about a year on/off

Are you asking or telling? Presumably telling.
Is he respectful about exes, or will he eventually get round to slagging her off.

I would tell her.

CareerChange24 · 05/08/2024 16:56

The dating pool gets smaller and smaller and chemistry is everything. She’s not your best friend. Go for it!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/08/2024 16:57

Couldn't care less if it was me and I didn't have any feelings for him any more. If she's over him just tell her, if she kicks off then it is what it is but you've done the right thing by being honest.

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