To date my friend's ex

[denpark]

I've found myself in a bit of a tricky situation.

I'm divorced and have been happily going out and enjoying my new life and fairly recently reconnected with a friend who is say was a good acquaintance rather than a best friend.

Her and her ex broke up about a year ago and she has been seeing someone else fairly seriously for about 7 months and seems very happy.

I was out at a pub a few weeks ago and her ex and I got chatting and one thing kind of led to another and we've ended up having a bit of a fling that we've kept fairly quiet.

But- he wants to start taking me out properly on dates where people we know will see us. I find myself really liking him but I'm not sure what to do.

He's a really fun person to be around and makes me laugh, which I've not had in ages. Plus we click and there's an attraction there that's pretty intense.

What do I do?

This.

It’s a line I’d never cross, there’s literally millions of other guys out there, why would you go for one that has history with your friend?

My ex briefly started seeing a friend of mine. I think they'd be perfect for each other - in a really good way- but the silly sod got cold feet. Maybe your friend would be happy for you?

Personally, I think it would be better coming from you, that you're now seeing her ex. It's better to be open and honest, rather than her accidentally seeing you both together. You aren't doing anything wrong, and neither is he but out respect for your friendship, you need to tell her. Her reaction to your news, is down to her, you're not responsible for it and haven't done anything wrong. If she decides she can't be your friend any longer, that's her choice but you must be prepared for that to happen. Hopefully, she is happy in her relationship and won't be upset.

I'd say a friendly acquaintance. We have become more friendly in recent times

Or- just a small town with only a couple of pubs that play our kind of music.

lol. Still unclear. Hedged it at the end.

clearly a friend and you’ve shagged her ex. Look the deed is done, you may as well date him

On a serious note, does it not give you the ick. Knowing he has slept with her,wanted her, she binned him off and you’re in there going after her seconds? It would me.

Just no

At no point have I said that I've slept with him- you've just presumed.

Unfortunately where I live it's a very small place with a very limited dating pool so lots of people have dated the partners of others in the past. Limited music scene =limited choices

I would, if I really liked him. But I would mention it to her (that you bumped into him and like him, not that you've already DTD!) and say you're just giving her the heads up in case you do decide to date him.

I would go for it. Many years ago one of my closest friends spent hours at mine complaining about a guy she really liked and had amazing sex with who’d basically ghosted her after a few dates. I told he he was an idiot and to forget him. Four years later I met and fell in love with said idiot, only realizing who he was 2 years after our wedding! When I asked why she’d never mentioned their fling while we were dating she said it was obvious we were serious and just because things didn’t work out with them, didn’t mean they wouldn’t for us. Plus she could see how happy I was and how well suited we are, and realized he had matured a lot since. Ten years and 2 kids later, we’re still married and she’s still one of my best friends. We still laugh about it, there is zero awkwardness or weirdness. The only person who struggles with any awkwardness is him given he was the idiot who ghosted her.

I've known a man start something with a friend of his ex just to wind up his ex and spark some jealousy. He lost all interest in the friend once his desired result was achieved.
OP, I'd say be careful. Particularly the fact that he's keen to go public so soon would make me cautious.

I’d text and ask her first.

I think it would depend on why their marriage ended.

That's my feeling.

The same guy knowing what we were both like naked/how we are sexually is just soooo icky to me 🤮

You won't be able to keep it private or low key for long, then, will you.

You might already have been clocked

Honestly if any friendly acquaintance started dating my ex I would be horrified. He is the father to my children and was horribly abusive though. If it was just a boyfriend of not very long it would depend why we split etc. I may be okay but it would still be weird!

Well, she won’t be that friendly with you for very long.

And this.

Especially as you seem to think she hurt him, based presumably on what he’s told you…

"... her ex and I got chatting and one thing kind of led to another and we've ended up having a bit of a fling that we've kept fairly quiet."

This is what you said. You're being disingenuous because however far you've gone, it is too far for a friend to think anything of you. But, you've moved those goalposts too and she's relegated to being an 'acquaintance', albeit one that you've got closer to... almost a 'friend' then?

Just own it. 'Girl code' on this is something that many of us wouldn't ever break. You would and did. You wanted validation, you've had it from some posters. I imagine you've not enjoyed the comments from the others of us who wouldn't do this to a friend.

I wouldn't. It impacts more than just your relationship with this friend. You will be the one that cannot be trusted to confide in. If the relationship fails you risk friends on relationships backing off as you're the single friend that jumps into bed with their exs.

This is a cost benefit analysis one for me. Your probably going to loose this friend if you pursue this. If I was your friend this crosses a line, but if your an acquaintance level an acceptable line. If she is more than acquaintance and a confidant, then there is some moral issues and I think she would be ok to be peeved. It might feel like a betrayal to her by you. Regardless of level of friendship I wouldn't be your friend anymore. It would be too weird; especially if it wasn't an amicable split with her ex.

But if she really is an acquaintance and you think he could be 'the one' and it's mutual. Then if I were you I'd be happy to let the acquaintance go and go for it. I'd accept though that it wasn't ideal and let her know first out of respect for your connection and put my big girl pants on and acknowledge her valid potentially unhappy response. She might even tell you things about this man that you should know prior to having a relationship 🤷👍. Good luck OP ❤️ 🤞

So you're not really her friend then. If you were you wouldn't be asking. In that case expect a fallout.

I think I'd just run it by her... explain you got chatting and you actually got on. And would like to see if it could go anywhere.... don't ask her permission, explain that you'd like to see if it could work and you wanted to respect her by telling her before anyone else did.

Hope all goes well x

= limited integrity? Obviously there's no such thing as going somewhere else to meet people or online dating.