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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To date my friend's ex

150 replies

denpark · 04/08/2024 20:44

I've found myself in a bit of a tricky situation.

I'm divorced and have been happily going out and enjoying my new life and fairly recently reconnected with a friend who is say was a good acquaintance rather than a best friend.

Her and her ex broke up about a year ago and she has been seeing someone else fairly seriously for about 7 months and seems very happy.

I was out at a pub a few weeks ago and her ex and I got chatting and one thing kind of led to another and we've ended up having a bit of a fling that we've kept fairly quiet.

But- he wants to start taking me out properly on dates where people we know will see us. I find myself really liking him but I'm not sure what to do.

He's a really fun person to be around and makes me laugh, which I've not had in ages. Plus we click and there's an attraction there that's pretty intense.

What do I do?

OP posts:
EC22 · 04/08/2024 20:45

Go for it.

Original poster
denpark · 04/08/2024 21:22

EC22 · 04/08/2024 20:45

Go for it.

Thank you for replying! I'm so worried I'll upset my friend. But she seems happy with her new man.

OP posts:
Voz · 04/08/2024 21:25

It depends, like if she confided in you about his failings and you sympathised, then NO.

But as she's met somebody else, then I think it's ok. Maybe not perfect but ok.

x2boys · 04/08/2024 21:39

I would say go for it ,but your friend might feel like she can't be friends with you anymore. Maybe she can get over it it but if she can't you will have to accept that
For context a friend of mine had a fling with my DH before I met him she thought it was more than it was ,I went for it and have now been married to dh for 19 years
I'm not friends with her though

Overtheatlantic · 04/08/2024 21:41

For a fling then no. If it has potential then yes but on the down low for a while.

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 21:42

I wouldn’t date a friend’s ex, especially a recent one. Do what you want but you may lose the friend over it.

CovertPiggery · 04/08/2024 21:48

StormingNorman · 04/08/2024 21:42

I wouldn’t date a friend’s ex, especially a recent one. Do what you want but you may lose the friend over it.

Same here.

You may also lose mutual friends if there are any depending on how your friend feels, how long they were together and why they broke up etc.

Hillrunning · 04/08/2024 21:53

Not such a recent ex. If it was many years ago them maybe. It just wouldn't sit right with me.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/08/2024 21:53

A few factors. Why did they break up? How long were they together?

If there is a big fallout with her or others, are you ok with that? It might all be people you are not close to and worth the risk.

DontBiteTheCat · 04/08/2024 21:55

Are there children involved? How long was the relationship?

You’re not doing anything wrong really, but If you go for it, I feel like you should tell her before you go public. Thats just basic respect.

Woahtherehoney · 04/08/2024 21:57

There’s lots of factors at play here.

how serious was their relationship? If they were living together and on the verge of getting engaged that’s very different to a relationship of a few months that was quite casual.

you could ask her if you feel close enough to her to judge her reaction - if you don’t want to do that and go ahead then it is a 50/50 outcome but you have to be prepared for both of those outcomes. 1) she’ll be fine with it and everyone moves on or 2) your friendship ends.

Fudgeytastic · 04/08/2024 21:58

I've been here and it's tricky. I had to weigh up different factors such as
Which relationship means more to you?
Why they split?
Were there red flags?

JohnofWessex · 04/08/2024 22:01

An ex of mine, her sister and a friend of theres all dated the same man, not at the same time.

They swapped notes so whoever he was currently with had the manual and knew what to do

cadburyegg · 04/08/2024 22:04

If you date him then you run the risk of losing her as a friend plus any mutual friends. Whether or not that's a deal breaker is up to you.

Lostsadandconfused · 04/08/2024 22:04

I did something similar, started dating a man who had recently been dating my friend. I hadn’t known her long but we had become quite close. She had only been dating him a couple of months, and it was much more serious on her side than his.

When she found out she chose to end the friendship with me.

I don’t regret it though, as the relationship has the potential to be something very long lasting.

Redjammies · 04/08/2024 22:06

If you have to ask it’s because you know it’s wrong.

GreatTheCat · 04/08/2024 22:06

How long had she been with him. That would be the desider for me.

PiggieWig · 04/08/2024 22:08

I wouldn’t, unless they were only very casual. There are a lot of variables but as a general rule, dating your mates is ex’s isn’t a great idea/

Kitkatcatflap · 04/08/2024 22:09

The fact that she is seeing someone else is irrelevant? The fact he is a recent ex of a year is the issue. Did she confide in you about him and the break up? It wouldn't sit well with me, too close for comfort.

You really need to give her the heads up before she sees you out together.

Original poster
denpark · 05/08/2024 11:26

Thank you everyone who's commented.

She's a friend but we're not that close. She hasn't confided in me at all about anything related to her relationship. All I knew was that they weren't together anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
denpark · 05/08/2024 11:26

The guy isn't her ex husband or long term partner. They were together for about a year on/off

OP posts:
Original poster
denpark · 05/08/2024 11:28

Oh- and no children. He was her boyfriend after she got divorced.

OP posts:
Original poster
denpark · 05/08/2024 11:30

Redjammies · 04/08/2024 22:06

If you have to ask it’s because you know it’s wrong.

Not necessarily. I actually don't think it's wrong as we're all adults and she's very much moved on.

But I'm trying to gain different perspectives before I make a decision as I think that's a good thing to do.

OP posts:
BunsHun · 05/08/2024 11:42

I personally would never cross that line

DrusillaLovesSpike · 05/08/2024 11:44

BunsHun · 05/08/2024 11:42

I personally would never cross that line

Its not like OP and friend are close, and friend didnt have a long relationship, no dc etc

If @denpark , you're concerned, go for a coffee / drink whatever and mention that you have started seeing him, its casual at the moment, but you thought you should mention it

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