To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

[AtHomeForever]

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

I guess you will know when you want to,
can you put yourself out there ? find a different job that is not wfm
join clubs?

What will happen to your sister when your parents can no longer care for her?

Do you have hobbies, any social life at all?

Honestly if you don't want to and your parents don't want you to, then there's no pressure! Would you be looking after your sister in the future when your parents aren't around anymore? That kind of makes sense of you to stay around if so.

Multi generational living is common all over the world - if it works for you then I don't see the issue 😊 it wouldn't be something I'd personally want, but I can see all of the points you've raised. Would you perhaps want to work on your social life outside of home? No friends and no partner plus WFH might be colouring your view on moving out.

People will probably be along to tell you, you should be moving out. However if you're parents are happy for you to stay at home then it's really no one's business what you do.

However I would be mindful your parents aren't going to be around forever and it isn't healthy to rely on them as your only source of company and friendship. I'd really put a lot of effort in to expanding your social circle and building those connections.

I mean this very kindly, but it sounds like you need to work on your own life irrespective of whether you live at home or not.
Your parents won't be there forever and you're living a sort of half-life through them.

There is no right or wrong answer. I'm fine by myself but I've never been one to need to be around others. Most people are more sociable than me.
You could try renting for 6 months to see how you like living solo before committing to a property purchase.

From your parents' point of view as well, I'd want more for you than this.

I suppose I'd be asking OP what they think is so bad about living alone? It seems a very unusual and extreme reaction.
And then, when the parents have died, what will OP do? Middle-aged and lacking experience because they have never lived alone.....

Could you buy and rent out your property so as to get on the housing ladder? That way you have an option to move out when you feel more ready.

It depends on your plans for your sister after your parents are gone.
If it will be you taking care of her then staying where you are makes sense - but you might be sacrificing your chance of a partner and family as you will have to be open with them that you and your sister come as a pair.
If you can be that selfless - and honestly I couldn’t, then stay where you are.
Because moving in a dependent adult to a young/youngish family is very very hard. I know from experience and had I know my BIL would become disabled and have to be cared for I would have thought twice about having children with DH.

It's pretty liberating moving out.

You can move somewhere close and visit parents everyday if you want to. But also the option to grow and get a relationship and friends if you want that

If you're happy at home and don't want relationships or friends that's fine too.

I bought my first house solo at age 29. I'd been away several years and moved back for several Years and Good luck

There’s nothing wrong with living with your parents for forever if you’re all happy with it. There’s also nothing wrong with moving out, you can always stay over at your parents a few nights a week whilst gaining equity in your house for your future.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but have you really thought about why you don’t want to leave? Is it fear of being lonely? Do you wish you had a more active social life? If you did, would you want to have your own space?

I think you need to move the focus from where you are living and look at what steps you need to take to be independent.
Get a job where you are not working from home and join some structured groups, maybe some sort of arts or crafts or sports where the focus isn’t socialising as such but you are getting out meeting other people.

It’s fine to live with your parents but I strongly advise you to try and find a hobby so you widen the circle of people you know. Maybe an exercise or dance class or a walking group. This is less intense than sitting next to someone and making small talk in a group setting doing something like a craft.

Edited.

I agree she should look to widen her social circle.

Living a lonely isolated life in your own place may not be the right path for you OP.

Forcing people to do something they don't want to do in the hope that they will suddenly sprout into a different person is not always a recipe for success. Some it will work for, some will just be utterly miserable.

Don't listen to what society pressures you to do, go with what makes you comfortable. Intergenerational living is far more common around the globe and works for loads of families. It also sounds like you'd provide long term stability for for sister.

Do what you feel is the right thing for you and your family, then you won't go wrong.

You shouldn't feel a rush to move out, but instead use this reflection as a wake up call to try and build a life for yourself.

A different job would help - is there an option to go into the office, at least sometimes? You need to make an effort to build connections and friends - make this your focus rather than properties.

I know someone like this. She bought her own place and got a dog. She still spends a lot of time in her parent’s home and she seems happy with how it’s worked out

Firstly, you need to speak to your parents about this. Multi-generational living is absolutely fine as long as all parties are on board with the arrangement. You need to make sure that they are happy for you to stay. What are you doing to do if they say that they expect you to move out at some point in the future?

If you do stay, then you need to agree how things should work on a permanent basis. You're contributing to bills at the moment - is that a directly proportionate contribution which is a fair reflection of your living costs? Or is it more of a token amount which they were happy with on the basis that it allowed you to save to move out?

You also need to figure out how your relationship is working. Are you expecting them to continue to be parental or do you live in the house as another adult - do you do your equal share of household tasks without being asked or them having to organise it and ask you?

Secondly, you need to think about building your own network and independence. Your parents are not going to live forever. What will you do when they have passed away? If your entire life and social function revolves around the home, you could find yourself incredibly isolated at a time when you need support. Losing a parent can be life changing no matter how prepared you think you are.

This seems a sensible idea. I'd also be considering the plans for your sister's longer term care. Becoming her carer is fine if you would want that but you need to consider carefully. I say this as a parent of an older teen who has a disability & will never live independently. I wouldn't want my older child to be his brothers carer.

I think it’s brilliant that you have a good, happy family home, and also that you’ve prioritised saving for your own property. There’s no rule that says you have to leave, but it would be worth investigating in a small property anyway for your future. Could you afford to buy a small flat nearby, and maybe look at it as a part-time space for you? You could split your week between family and solo living, and see how you liked having your own space. If it’s not working for you, you could consider renting out your flat until you want to move out.

I think the fact you have company all the time at home now, means you've been far less inclined to make the effort to get out and about. I actually had a far wider social life when I lived alone (which I did for about 15 years) than once I got married as we now just rely on each other for company and can't be bothered to go out! So many times I think of my husband wasn't here I'd get off my backside and actually do something... and that's when you meet people and build friendships.

I can only reply to you from the perspective of being a parent to people your age. My sons still live at home with us. They are a bit younger than you, but only by a couple of years. Dh and I enjoy their company and would be sad to have them move out, but at the same time we feel we are just waiting for the moment they do move out so we can start our 'childfree' existence again. I appreciate with your sister, your parents might not have the same expectation but just because they accept they will always have your sister to care for, does that mean they expect to always have you around too? I'm sure they would want you to live life to the fullest.(

The other thing that bothers us, as parents, is that both our sons are also, like you, single and one has no friends, the other has friends who are increasingly less available to our son as they get on with their own lives (marriage, home ownership, etc). Our sons feel that it is only when they have moved out of the family home that they can attempt a relationship of their own. When you say you are single, have you always been so? Might living on your own give you the incentive to build new relationships, whether it be romantic relationships or platonic friendships?

From the parental point of view, I do feel that living alone, managing finances, dealing with household matters, etc is important to young people to enable them to be fully independent. I get that it would feel lonely for you initially, but you could always visit your family at the weekends, or one weekday a week, say, and, as I said earlier, the loneliness might be the spur you need to work on your social/ love life.

I left home, lived alone, got married, had kids, got divorced, kids left home, had a job I loved, retired.
Looking back it all happened in the blink of an eye.
This is the only life you will have, do what makes you happy.

But sometimes we should take a deep breath and step off the edge... push out of our comfort zone.

I wish I had.

To me, the whole situation sounds very stifling and limiting - it also comes across like you're scared to take that leap into being an independent adult so are using your parents and sister as an excuse to stay where you are indefinitely.

Personally, I don't think it sounds very healthy and I think it's probably one of the reasons why your life outside of work and family is so limited - you have a guaranteed safety net at home so have no reason to push yourself.

So I'm going to say YABU. Move out, live your life, take a risk. Life is so much more than this.

it’s totally fine to keep living at home if that makes you happy. You’ll still have your deposit in 12 months time and can move out then.

But sometimes in life you need to make things a bit uncomfortable to force yourself to change. Whether that’s moving jobs for something in-person, joining new groups or hobbies so you meet people and make friends, or moving to a new area so you have more opportunities to do both. You could do all of these things. It would feel scary to begin with because it’s new and unknown. Easier to stay at home with mum and dad - but more fulfilling long term to take the next step in your life.

I’ve only lived on my own once - for 12 months when I moved to a different continent for work, on a different time zone, and where I knew no one. I was also pretty scared. In fact I absolutely loved it and was sad to come home to my life here!