To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

[AtHomeForever]

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

Sorry it wasn’t better news from the mortgage advisor op!

How about making a list of your scattered friends and start visiting them (or nearby them) at weekends? Stay in budget hotels and suggest you meet up?

Book club ? Choir ? Volunteering ? Evening class? The world’s your oyster ! Get back in touch with old friends on facebook or something… maybe end up visiting them?

You don't have to be sporty!
Think what you liked to do when you were growing up. Painting, crafts, pets, natural history or reading. You could learn a bit of a language (or a lot), a new skill, almost anything. There will almost certainly be a group or course somewhere within reach.
You may not be able to afford a house, but a little car would get you out and independent. And you may not be able, or want, to move away from home, but be brave and try a night or two away without the family. I have a family at home with me, and we all do that, go away solo now and then. It's brilliantly freeing, just to wander round an exhibition or explore and stay the night somewhere. You needn't feel self conscious about being alone. At first I did it because I had to travel for work, and then I did it because I liked it. If anyone ever gave me odd looks, I've never noticed (or cared).
Good luck with whatever you do.

Stay put , get a buy to let property that you can
maybe live in later
you will be glad you did
meantime do stuff to build a life for yourself
hobbies evening classes whatever
good luck

Somehow I think it’s now or never for OP, but sadly she doesn’t see it. She is 30. She just needs to move out in some way, it’s as simple as that.

There’s nothing with living with your parents if everyone is happy. You shouldn’t do things (especially massive life changing decisions) based on what people think or what you think you ‘should’ do. You could still keep an eye on houses in your area something might come up that you’d feel happy about moving into, maybe really close to home. Or you could wait until you’re with someone to get somewhere together, but it doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy. You’re lucky to have nice parents not everyone has.

I think that's very true. Moving out could be the making of you, as it were. It really could give you the impetus to branch out in terms of making friends, etc. Even if you decide to stay home you might want to consider finding a job that isn't entirely WFH.

Why don't you drive if you have a drivers license? Is it just that you don't currently own a car? If so, I would remedy that.

Ive actually been thinking about your post more and came back to post that I think it's really very risky to keep doing what you're doing, even though I'm sure it feels safe.
Your situation reminds me of a family I know. My parents have good friends with a 46 year old daughter. She's lovely. Smart, attractive, decent job, etc. Lives at home, has never moved out. Their whole dynamic is co-dependent and quite unhealthy IMHO. She gave up her car because her 70+ year old dad drives her to work, and the three of them come as a group to social things. If my parents invite a few couples over for dinner, they'll come and bring their daughter with them.

The mum often confides in my mum how much she worries that "Stacey" doesn't have many friends/doesn't go out much. But she encourages that dependence. To be clear, Stacey is a perfectly capable adult, but she has remained in this almost child-like relationship with her parents. It's not good.

I love this post and completely agree!

If they are happy to have you there and you are paying your own way then I think that’s fine. On the other side, I lived on my own for years and it was the best time ever.

Why is it "not good" if all parties are happy with the situation? So what if the daughter doesn't have many friends? How many friends does a 46 year old woman have to have to tick the "acceptable to society" box for you?

I suggest you try and open your mind.

I lived alone for 8 years in a similar situation to what you've described and I'd recommend to anybody.

I got to know myself so deeply in those years that I am now unrecognisable from the person I was.

I dated, and learned who I did and didn't like/what I truly wanted. As I was so protective over my own space and time that I didn't want the wrong people in it.

I was free to try any club or hobby I fancied without feeling I had to 'explain' it to anybody before I left.
So I met a wide range of people and made friends I'd never have crossed before.

I prioritised myself - eating whatever I fancied, exercising when I wanted, being a sofa goblin when I needed it.

I dated myself and went on solo adventures, took myself for walks when it was nice out, cooked myself fancy food when I'd seen it on TV.

I could assess my well paid WFH job in isolation - without people commenting on it - and ultimately decided it wasn't great for me so started my own business.

I felt incredibly empowered and truly learned that my value was all me.

Were there lonely days? Sure! But there were lonely days living with others too!
On the whole, I think it was the best thing I ever did.

I'm married with a child now, and have difficulties the other way when my house is always full of noise and people!

For what it's worth a lot of people who have moved out, married and had kids end up becoming people who only spend time socially with "their little family". You're no worse off socially than them.

It sounds like you've come up with some things to try, hopefully that will pay off.

I’m not sure that’s necessarily true tbh. My dh and I had a “normal” amount of friends, before marriage and dc and as a newly married couple - but even if we hadn’t - having children lead us down all sorts of different paths relating to their school, their friends and extra-curricular activities. We met lots of interesting people and made some lifelong friends that way.

A lot of people don't though. This is one of the things I've seen both on here and in real life, people who once they've married and had kids simply don't have time for others. Or aren't prepared to make time for others because they are "so busy".

I don't get why we judge people in the OPs situation as having no life and asking the question what happens when the parents are no longer around. The same thing is true for the little families but this seems perfectly socially acceptable.

though I understand about your sister think about several things; your parents have their hands full as it is maybe they would like the house to themselves or more so.
yes living alone can be hard at times but also very enjoyable; I now live with my oh but at times I long for solo life! you can go to bed when you want eat what you want play music or watch what tv you want, have friends round to entertain or have a boyfriend to stop.
i think people are right that maybe you need to think more about your expanding your social life and realise that being alone isnt always a bad thing

I don't know what you have nearby but when I moved to a new town (and I was under 30) I joined my local WI.

It's not a very traditional route for young people to make friends, but my town had a mixture of young and more traditional WI groups. The ones with a less traditional vibe and a wider age range tend to have more unusual names and meet in the evening. My group had people aged 22 to 82.

It was a bit like guides for grown ups - we had everything from talks about bees to learning how to look after your car, to a class where we learnt to ice cakes, to skill swaps on beading and knitting. It was once a month, ours had a bar so people could get a glass of wine if they wanted, and every meeting included tea and homemade cakes. I was very open and said I had joined because I had recently moved and was looking to make friends - and I took 3 close friends away from it. I don't attend any more as I stopped during COVID but it was really great for me.

In your shoes I’d buy a small property and let it out, assuming you could get a mortgage for that as a first time buyer. That way you’d have a property and an asset, but could live at home still. You should continue to contribute to your parents bills. What’s the long term plan for your sister’s care when your parents are no longer around?

I agree. We still make time for our friends both those with kids and those that don't. Like everything in life, all relationships take effort but it's so vital for wellbeing to maintain these efforts.

It's only on here that I seem to find people say it's completely fine to have no friends and that it's a normal way of living. It really isn't and it isn't a healthy way of living. I work in elderly care and it's profound to see those that have become isolated in their old age.

We need to stop normalising that it's fine to go through life with absolutey no friends or life outside your front door. We're social beings at heart and there numerous studies of the benefits to socialising and not being isolated. Lonlieness is so detrimenral to health and wellbeing. I know life can get in the way with children etc but the OP doesn't have these issues. She's already indicated she isn't happy and wants to make new bonds and friends so people should be encouraging her to do that instead of encouraging her to continue her life as she's fine because she's "happy". It's quite clear from her posts she's anything but happy.

I agree, it's abnormal and I'm seeing the consequences in my own parents. It's not what I want for my DC but it's like fighting upstream against a trend that more and more people seem to be falling into.

OP I think that making meaningful social contacts should be the priority and I'd only look at moving out if it's likely to actually help.

Sorry if it's been answered already... What are the plans for your sister when your parents die or are no longer able to take care of her? It may be that further down the line you will need to live somewhere you can share with her.

If you are happy there is no shame in that. Don't feel obliged to do something different. It is good to stretch your wings but it doesn't have to be as extreme as having your own place if that isn't what you want. Getting a hobby or going into the office more sounds like a good place to start!

Shame you can’t afford to buy. Does that mean you can’t afford a buy-to-let either?

How much more do you need to be earning? Could you look for a better paid job where there may be a good social life? This could have a double benefit. You could afford to buy and get to make more friends.

Is there any way you could adapt your parents’ place to give yourself your own space? Perhaps if they remortgaged but you paid it off? Garage conversion?

I don’t know you, but at your age I really recommend an adventure. You said you feel like running off to Australia. You can! Not to live forever. But you could backpack around Australia, and even stop off at places on the way there (India, Thailand, Malaysian, Indonesia).

You could get a working holiday visa to Australia, which means you can stay there for a year and work if you need to earn money to travel back. It expires at 30, but in some cases it’s up to 35. I backpacked like this for 2 years (23-25) and it changed my life. It gives you so much perspective on life (including how important family is) to see how other people live and you make so many friends.

If you’d rather not go alone, I think there are places that can match you up with a companion. But I met lots of people travelling alone and we’d travel together for a bit if heading the same way. Watch BBC ‘Race Across the World’ and buy a Lonely Planet book to help/inspire you. Ask your job if you could take a year’s unpaid sabbatical, where they’ll cover your job for a year and you can then return. They can only say no.

Plus, you’d gain so much independence and confidence and have so many stories to tell future dates. I met a Swiss women in India who was about your age. She lived with her parents, in her own little studio. The money she saved by doing that, she used to travel 6 months each year and work 6 months a year (she was an accountant so could always get work). It always helps to see a problem as an advantage.

I know it’s two cliches, but you only live once - and sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway!

There are lots of organized groups for single people to travel with. Some are supposed to be really good. All ages, and the safety of not traveling alone but you can still do things on your own. I wouldn’t mind going myself on one of those, even though I have a family of my own.

There are entire countries where it's normal for several generations to live under one roof and there is no expectation of all adult children moving out, even when they get married. Personally I think (from my own experience and other people I know) I think it can be really bad for people's mental health to live alone. Some people cope better with it than others, but a lot of people really struggle with it. Personally I think it's not natural, we are social beings, we are made to live with other humans, and the people who thrive living alone are outliers - or have very active social lives to make up for it. I wouldn't blame you at all for staying at home, if your parents don't mind.

Yes . In those countries adult children are expected to help with elder care and sibling care. It's not just one way..OP doesn't want to look after her parents or sister.