To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

[AtHomeForever]

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

I think if you're happy and your parents are happy, then stay 🙂 My only question is if by living at home that is holding you back from meeting new friends and trying new things.

I think your anxiety about this comes from that conflict between wanting to have your own life outside of your home, and anxiety that if you do then you'll lose the intimacy that you have with your parents and sister.

Is counselling an option for you? I spent a substantial period of my life emotionally and practically caring for a disabled parent, and it was counselling that helped me to make sense of my feelings around it and start to live my life for me rather than for them.

I'm going to go out on a limb here: I think children should separate from their parents as they grow older, if it's possible, even if they later move back in together as adults. From my experience I would really want that for my daughter. I never want her to have to give me the personal care and huge amounts of time and emotional energy that I had to give my mum. You deserve a chance to be yourself rather than a daughter or a sister.

I do have the option to go into my work's office, and I think if I lived alone I'd make the effort to do so more often. But it's a long commute away, so even making work friends wouldn't impact my day-to-day life.

Obviously I don’t know the exact length of the commute, but I really think you should be considering doing this more anyway, whether you stay living at home or not. You mentioned in your first post that you worry about getting lonely and going for a few days at a time without seeing anyone due to working at home, but you CAN go into the office… why not go twice a week and make your working life a bit more of a hybrid? Making work friends would be great, even if they live further away so you wouldn’t end up making social plans with them at weekends (I’m assuming that’s what you mean by the “making work friends wouldn’t impact my day to day life”) but spending time with them at work, having lunch breaks with them, after work drinks perhaps, would make a big difference to your life and would make you feel less lonely.
It does sound like you need to make a bit more effort if you want to get out and meet people. It doesn’t come across like you try very hard to get out there and make friends and socialise (either through work or joining clubs etc) yet you worry about being lonely.

OP, do you feel that with home and work you have reached a stage of 'marking time'?
How will your career develop in say, 5 years time?
Your sister, will parents still be able to provide care for her? Parents age, some conditions get worse. After 10 years??
Can you continue education, degree or Masters? Would you be able to develop your career if you had the responsibility and cost of your own house?

The sentence that stands out is that you don't really have friends where you live. That's the bit that needs to change. Your parents won't always be there. Perhaps wfm isn't really doing you any favours at this stage of your life. Regardless of whether you stay living with your parents or move out you need to be out interacting with the world more.

If you're parents don't mind you staying there with them and you don't want to leave then there's no issue is there?!

If you and your parents are happy for you to still live at home and you contribute to costs and housekeeping then stay there.
I don't see why you should move out just to live alone and be lonely.

There are plenty of issues though as outlined in the last 5 pages of this thread. It's far from ideal.

OP I haven't RTFT yet, but I think staying put is a really good idea for all the positives you've mentioned, and I think your parents would be really happy. Also other cultures have been doing this for hundreds of years.

I currently live with my DH and DS20 and DD17. Our DCs are doing well job-wise and academically but they're neuro-divergent and more home-bodies than a lot of their peers.

My parents passed away a couple of years ago and I inherited a large property, and we also own two homes in a city. We'd now like to sell everything and build a home in the countryside that can house all of us plus pets, and with room for partners to eventually live there too.

We were all very close to my parents, who lived nearby, so this set up seems quite normal to us, and therefore your proposal does too.

There is an issue though, or OP wouldn't be posting?

The longer you leave it the more anxiety you will have. Move out, you can always stay in the family homes on weekends if you feel like it. Get a dog or a cat. Your sister and parents will benefit from it, because then they can also visit you and get out of the house a bit.
Don’t leave it any longer.

Could you buy somewhere near your parents so you can pop by all the time? I guess you don't want to wait too much longer or you'll be paying off a mortgage when you really want to retire.

Could you get a housemate, or rent out a room short-term so you have a bit of company?

I think that if you get along with your parents and they aren’t chomping at the bit for you to leave, then there is nothing wrong with staying put for now. There is certainly nothing wrong with fear around feelings of loneliness and isolation. At the very least, take your time. Maybe you’ll feel more confident about moving out in another year or two.

My SIL is 41 and still living at home with her parents, but they are very controlling and interfering and there is a lot of conflict. Sometimes she throws the head up and says she can’t take another day under their roof, but fear of living alone keeps her there. She is also very accustomed to having certain things done for her. But it comes at a cost to her mental health. Your situation doesn’t sound like this but the reason I mention it is because, even in an unhealthy environment, you can become so set in your ways that you are immobilised. So I would just say be careful the years don’t tick by to the point where you are unable to leave, be it through fear or circumstances.

It's not really about where you live, it's about how you live. There's nothing wrong with living with parents if everybody is happy, but are you? And there is nothing wrong with becoming your sister's carer eventually, but is it what you want?

I wonder if living at home has lead to you not having the push to build a social life?

Honestly, there's something empowering about being independent.

You could try it for six months and see how it goes? Join some hobby groups, start dating?

Could you start by learning to drive?

She does drive.

Honestly don't rent and waste whatever you have accumulated living at home (which is how alot of people afford houses from the off)

I think maybe look at what you want your life to be do you want a family unit of your own or even just a partner living at home may have serious ramifications on that in the long term

What's the long term care plans for sister and parents

I'd defintely talk to a financial advisor and make sure your nest egg is earning you money either way (which is a good reason to buy property)

Sadly I have a family member who is a young woman who lives with her parents and I do just think is life passing you by. Only you know how you want life to look as you get older. But time goes quickly

You seem to have 2 locations for your life, the family home and the office. You seem to want more independence and a social life, while being happy in your family home. Is buying (or, if not, renting) a studio or 1-bed flat near work an option? That way you could build a social life and still pop back to the family home.

My brother-in-law has his own flat and social life but also still has his own room at mum’s house (for reasons I won’t go into here) and it works really well.

Don’t buy a home in an isolated location because you can financially afford it, though. You’ll end up feeling trapped and won’t necessarily have the spare cash to escape. A mortgage may be cheaper than rent but there are lots of other costs associated with home ownership.

DH has a family member who was very like you, I think ( although no siblings). They lived with parents until early thirties, they had quite a high powered and well paid job, they did voluntary work and interest hobbies so had a social life.

DH and I gave them a largish contribution towards a deposit, we sort of felt they should be a bit more independent as future proofing. So they bought a house, just round the corner from parents home.

The father died very suddenly, so they moved back in with mother, lived with her until she also died. Seems to be coping okay on their own, working out which home to sell.

Theres no right or wrong way , I think, just what works for you. I wish you well.

Lots of good advice here OP.

I lived with my parents until my mid 20s, before moving into house shares. I then moved back in with them for about a year or so whilst I saved a deposit, and then bought my own place. My friends had spread far and wide by that point and there weren’t so many based locally, so I understand how comforting it can be to stay at home.

Once I moved into my own home, I initially had lodgers which was a really good way of lessening the isolation, and after a couple of years, began to crave privacy, so then lived alone for 14 years. For the most part, I knew I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely, I really loved having my own space.

The great thing is that you have options. You could buy a place now but let it out whilst you focus on opening up your life with joining clubs, investing time in things that interest you, with a view to moving in in a year or so.

Or you could carry on saving for the next year whilst doing the above and then look to buy somewhere close by in a year or so.

Wfh could be great in enabling you to have a dog, but the alternative is to start looking at roles that are at least partially office-based so that when you do move out, you know you’ll be seeing people several times a week…

Whatever you do, there’s no rush, so you can do it in small steps if that works best for you.

As you're now in the position of being able to buy a property, why not do that & rent it out? Having your own place might just spur you on to move out in the near future.

I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single

Op where are your friends? Is changing jobs and location a possibility to move closer to them? Or is it time to forge new links where you are now? Reading your update, I agree that the location of where you live will be crucial. Perhaps you could wait and save some more?

For the posters saying it is fine to live at home; yes of course it is. But to be aged thirty with no friends isn’t much fun, so from a social life pov, living at home isn’t working for op currently.

Also, this is controversial, but I think living at home often works better for young men who have different family expectations placed upon them. In some cultures where living at home is customary; young men get to strike out more and have more independence and the home adapts around them; whereas women are the ones who are expected to fit in. I am not saying that this is the case in op’s situation but generally in society there is an element of this dynamic at play.

No advice on the social side of it but if you can afford to buy it might be worth buying a btl property and renting it out. That way you have a stake in the housing market and if you want to move out in the future it’ll be easier to do so.

I get the not living alone - I only did it once in my 20s and I hated it!
But I didn’t want to stay at home. I chose shared housing and was also a lodger with a lovely family for 6 years.
I liked having my own room and being independent from parents, but having company.