To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

[AtHomeForever]

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

I'd stay at home for now but maybe work on making more friends outside of your family and use your income to try new experiences and hobbies.

My dc are a little younger than you and could buy one bedroom/ studio flats. However, they rent in house shares which is completely appropriate for their stage is life.
As pp have said could you buy somewhere to rent out? Or buy somewhere with space for a lodger?
Whatever you do, don’t fritter your house deposit away!

Change is scary. You have lived with your parents for three decades so of course the thought of anything else will be daunting.

But if I was your mum I would want to see you building your own life and not relying on me for friendship and company.

My advice would be to live close enough for regular visits but to make the move and start building a life for yourself - you've never had to seek friendships, partners, hobbies because your family have fulfilled those roles but that doesn't mean it's healthy.

I think in ten years your life will be better if you've lived independently than if you'd continued coasting along at home.

What do your parents think? Be honest. Some would be thrilled if you stayed and some would secretly like a spare room!

Buy a house as an investment.
Then, at any time, you can change your mind.

If your house is in a lovely place you could take your whole family there for a holiday between renters too.

If your happy at home then stay. I think you need to widen your social life and make some friends.

Would it be worth buying a property that you can rent out in the meantime? I would worry about having nothing once my parents pass. At least that way you have money tied up in property to fall back on in the future.

If your parents are happy for you to stay at home then I don't see the problem. The other option is to have your own place but take in a lodger. At least then you'll have some company and help towards mortgage and bills. Either way, do what makes you happy.

I'm not sure I agree with those saying "stay if you're happy" - nobody would ever do anything if they never pushed themselves out of their comfort zone.

It's also really important to think of the future. If I was in OP's shoes, I'm not sure I'd want to navigate living independently for the first time while also dealing with the death of my parents and a disabled sibling. It's also worth considering how you'd get (and pay for) a mortgage in your forties or fifties if you're single with no credit history behind you.

As a mum of three young adults all still at home I agree with PP. I really love them all being here and tell them all the time that they are always welcome in my home.
Behind that statement I really really would prefer that they build happy lives of their own and bugger off at some point!
I would make the move. You’re likely to regret not trying.

You need to develop your independence. Your parents won’t be around forever, so you have to get used to being without them at some point. Better to do it now, so you can adjust. Do you date/have a sex life?

Yes, will you have to care for your sister once your parents are not around?

I’d talk to your parents, I certainly don’t think it’s a bad thing to live together if it suits everyone, but you also need to not feel afraid to be alone.

I moved out at 18 and have lived alone, with partners and as a single parent. I probably spend more time now with/at my parents than I have ever done, as I appreciate them more and that I won’t have them forever. If things changed and it came to it, I think I could/would live with them now x

Are able to buy somewhere close by. Three of my adult kids live 10-20 minutes from my husband and I. It's brilliant. They regularly visit and I regularly meet for a quick drink or get together. I love the casualness of it all. It's not unusual for one of more to spend the night at our house too.

Is there any reason you can’t buy close to where your parents live? You might find that you wish you’d bought your own place at some point in the future.

I find this really sad!

You are 30, have no friends, no partner, not much of a life, WFH - you are wasting your life.

You are only young once and I really think you should make the most of it.

I think it’s so important that men and women learn to live independently, else you get men who want replacement mummies and women who are too afraid to be alone.
This creates very unhealthy relationships.

I have told my DD she needs to move out when she’s older, even if it’s just for a couple of years.
She can always move back home and there will always be a place for her at home but my worst fear is that something happens to me and she gets into a bad relationship, simply because she doesn’t want to be alone/doesn’t know how to be.

I assume you are going to be a carer for your sibling when your parents get too old and so you only have a small amount of time to truly be independent.

If you aren’t ready to move out just yet, then I would focus on getting hobbies and friends.
I personally would change my job but I would hate to WFH anyway.

Then I would use your disposable income to save up for a deposit on a flat.
I would then buy a flat and live there for a year or 2.
If you don’t like it, then move back home but rent the flat out - this way you’ll be investing in your future instead of just wasting your money.

I think it’s fine to live at home if it makes you happy, don’t force yourself out just because you feel like you should. I hve a friend who’s 38 and has always lived at home with her mum, and she wouldn’t want it any other way.

However, I do feel if/when you do buy your own place, you will adjust really quickly and may notice a whole new lease of life. It could
open up lots of
opportunities for you. You say you don’t have friends where you live so no one to come and stay, but I assume this wording means you have friends that love further away? If you had your own place, you could invite them up for weekends. You don’t have a partner NOW, but when/if you do, then it would be much easier not living with parents. This is a total assumption on my part and apologies if I’ve got it wrong and this isn’t your vibe, but maybe because you’re living at home with parents you have even reluctant to meet someone as you know they wouldn’t be able to stay over etc, but if you had your own place it could open doors for things like that. Also I do think it would be beneficial to find a life for yourself outside of your parents house, you don’t want to rely on their company forever.

I lived with a female friend all through my 20s, but moved into an apartment of my own at 28. It was weird as I’d always thought I could never be someone who lives alone, always want the company, but when I was around 27, I suddenly had these urges to want to live alone, have my own space etc. When I first moved into my apartment I had a huge panic that I’d made the wrong decision, and suddenly regretted it and thought I’d be lonely, as I wasn’t used to spending so much time alone. But it only took a couple of weeks for me to realise I absolutely LOVED IT and loved having my own space, do my own thing all the time, never have to think about anyone else. I lived this way for four years before meeting my boyfriend, and a year later he moved in, and it took a while to adjust to sharing my space again. So I think what I’m trying to say there is, even if now you’re not sure about living solo (like I was), you could come very quickly to love it. And you could still go to your parents for tea a few times a week and get the company.

Dont rush into anything, but i hope whatever you choose, makes you happy :)

Are you independent within the family home?

Do you cook, clean, do laundry, food shop etc?

Can you come and go as you please?

Do you share your sister's care?

Is it possible you could start looking at joining clubs? Volunteering in your spare time? Changing your job so you're not at home all the time? Anything to widen your circle

You’ll probably be more likely to meet a partner if you move out as you can bring them back to your place. Don’t worry about living alone, you’ll get used to it. You can always go and visit your parents a couple of times a week, especially whilst you’re settling into your new life. You’ll love it! Join some clubs, get a job where you don’t work from home. It’ll soon fall into place. Good luck 🤞

Hi OP,
I turned 40 this year and only finally moved out from my parents last year - so you're definitely not alone and there is no pressure or rush for change.

My family is proud my siblings and I have all have had long stints at my parents' home as adults. It shows we're a strong family that all get on, and that's a good thing.

I had a lot of conflict about being at home with my parents so long - it was the right thing for a long time for everyone, and they were genuinely happy having me around. But I did feel like I needed to make it on my own in the end.

My happy situation now is that I bought a very small property only 10 minutes drive away. I love having my independence, don't have 'old people food' every night for dinner - have coco pops for breakfast - you know, the little bits of joy that being alone and living on your own terms can bring. I LOVE my little garden in particular.

And, I'm not lonely. I worried enormously I would be. I go to my parents for the weekend and usually at least one midweek meal. I spend most of Saturdays and Sundays there and cook the Sunday roast etc like before and just hang out 'like I live there'- the dynamic hasn't changed. But I go home to my own lovely bed at night. It's honestly brought me so much happiness to have the best of both.

But living with them wasn't wrong, it was right until I was ready to leave. And that situation might not have changed at all, and that also would have been fine. So, just think on what's right for you and your family - I've no doubt they love living with you too - and don't worry about what you might think 'society' says you should do.

Can you separate moving out from investing in property?

Why don’t you buy your house and then decide if living in it is for you? If not then you still have a sound investment and can rent it out.

If your happy at home then stay.

Is she though? Like, truly, deep down. Or is it that she thinks she is, because she's firmly in her comfort zone?
And I honestly think that your parents should be gently giving you a nudge here. If my 30 year old child had the means to move out but didn't want to, it would make me question how I'd raised them.

Nightblindness We are in a similar position to you.My DD lives at home ,she has her friend here as well( he pays rent ) ,Not boyfriend.I love having them and they are always able to dog sit. However like you we sometimes wonder what it would be like "on our own" DD has few friends ,and works from home .She would find it hard on her own I think.I sometimes think we are giving them a cushy time! Cant imagine living at home for that long when I was young!

Do whatever makes you happy , it is irrelevant what other people think or do .

If you're happy and they're happy that's fine.

However I agree that maybe you need to look at your lifestyle. If anything happens to your sister or parents you would be very lonely. Would you think about starting to build a social life outside of the home?

There's nothing wrong with living at your parents especially as you can then support your sister but make sure you are having a life of your own too. You don't want to wake up age 40 and think my life is running away and I'm stuck.

I would also have a serious conversation with your parents about care for your sister in the future, keeping her at home isn't necessarily the kindest thing to do, there's small supported living arrangements, typically 3-4 adults with carers that support working age adults in their community but also allow some independence from their parents.

I would consider whether an investment property is right for you as it gives you a step on the property ladder when things change.