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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

304 replies

AtHomeForever · 04/08/2024 09:18

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 04/08/2024 10:25

Would you have to live alone? Could you not rent out a room in your new place to someone? Have you ever moved out and lived in a house-share situation? I don't think there's anything massively wrong in continuing with your living situation as you describe it, but if you've never ventured out and explored living independently then that would explain the fear and shouldn't be run away from or it'll only get worse and there's really a lot of upsides. The main issue seems to be the WFH and lack of connections outside your immediate family, which would only be resolved if you put yourself out there more one way or another.

Marseillaise · 04/08/2024 10:26

Might you have more friends if you weren't at home? It must be quite restrictive in terms of inviting them to yours. Try some classes and activities outside the home so you know you will be regularly meeting up with people.

Rosesanddaffs · 04/08/2024 10:26

@AtHomeForever there’s nothing wrong with living at home forever if that’s what you want and if your parents are ok with it.

There are many cultures that have generations living together, there is nothing wrong with it.

In your place I would buy something affordable and put it up for rent, that way you are on the property ladder and will have additional income coming in and if ever down the line you want to move then you always have the option of moving.

Don’t feel bad about your situation, do what is best for you xx

Usercyzabc · 04/08/2024 10:27

Haven’t rtft but If this works for you and your parents, absolutely nothing wrong with it.

You could also try a temporary rental just to see what you think of course.

SplendidPendips · 04/08/2024 10:28

As much as the big increase in working from home has many benefits, I do worry for younger generations. It isn't healthy (in most circumstances) to always be at home. Face to face interaction is so important for relationship building skills and mental health. Can you push yourself to go in to the office more or change jobs so that you are out of the home? I think it's so easy to hide away. Once you've done that you may feel more confident about moving out or, like you are sacrificing less if you decide to stay.

CalmaLlamaDown · 04/08/2024 10:29

There is no rush to move out.

But maybe try something new - a solo holiday / travel?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 04/08/2024 10:29

OP, for me what stands out of your first post is that you have no one in your life apart from your family. This sounds incredibly insular and lonely. I can see why you are reluctant to move out.

As a PP suggested why not buy a place and rent it out so you are on the property ladder now? I would then focus on developing your social circle. Is there any chance you can change your job so you can actually go to the place of work and meet colleagues? I’d also join a few clubs, a gym and start volunteering.

You need more people in your life than your immediate family and the longer you leave things, the harder it will be to meet more people.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 04/08/2024 10:30

Floralnomad · 04/08/2024 10:21

Do whatever makes you happy , it is irrelevant what other people think or do .

If she was happy, I don't think she'd be posting here.

Allthingsdecember · 04/08/2024 10:30

There's nothing wrong with living with your parents if you are all happy with the arrangement, it's a relatively modern idea to live completely alone anyway.

Do what makes sense to you, not what you think you're 'supposed' to do.

Hesterschoice8761 · 04/08/2024 10:32

Every family is unique and some people can have a very fulfilling life living at home but I think, speaking generally, the counter side to familiarity and security is that yes you may be poorer, nervous, lonely sometimes but with those scary things come: growth of character, resistance, confidence in yourself, and new possibilities to connect with others.

The latter being the most important as generally it is the quality of your personal relationships that determine your happiness in life.

If you always have a cloak of protection around you, you perhaps won’t push yourself as hard to reach out to others when family are in the next room? And then you are not in a position to take advantage of spontaneous chance events when they arise.

Ultimately, only by making yourself vulnerable and taking the scary steps, do you open yourself up to change and fulfilment (and yes that does sound like a bad film script) but I happen to think it’s true.

Also bear in mind that nothing stays the same forever and change will come at home if you stay there or not. Better (usually) that you are the instigator and you steer your own boat.

If you want marriage and children, then one of the best ways of doing that is to move to a new place and expand your circle of friends. I think working from home is very hard for young people and as such; you need to make even more of an effort to consistently reach out to others and that’s not as easily done in your home with your parents there.

And there must be lots of other people your age wfh who want to meet up too! They are probably out there waiting for someone else to take the first step!

In your own home you can: run a craft, book or poetry discussion group, hold dinner parties, invite girlfriends over for coffee, put up a friend overnight who is passing through, hold a wine tasting for charity, host a barbecue for neighbours or work colleagues have lodgers etc etc.

And anyone you invite has a friend and family circle of their own that you could potentially tap in to. Personally I would take this step now, as soon as possible, while you are young.

You can do it op! Speaking as someone old enough to be your mum, I would say that looking back, anything worth doing in life is scary! If you take the bull between the horns life usually repays you well! Good luck!

PS Bearing in mind your home situation, you may find it helpful to discuss your fears with a licensed psychologist. Maybe even as few as half a dozen sessions could help. Growing up as the sibling of a disabled child potentially beings with it a set of unique challenges and it may be helpful to verbalise and discuss what may be holding you back 💐

UprootedSunflower · 04/08/2024 10:33

I come from a country where extended family living is the norm, multiple generations in the house.
Live how you wish.
My only advice though is to make more friends. Go to clubs, take a few risks like holidays and expand your world.

tinydynamine · 04/08/2024 10:34

Everyone is different, but my sister lived with our parents until she was 35. They confided in me that they feared she would never move out. Then in quick succession she got a new job, moved into her own place, met her future husband and had a child.

AtHomeForever · 04/08/2024 10:36

Thank you all for your comments so far, I'm reading through them all now. As soon as I posted this I felt a sense of dread but this time for staying at home forever. I feel so conflicted and stressed about it.

I agree that I don't have much incentive to build a social life because I have a lot of family around me who keep me distracted from that side of things. I have always been more of an introvert, but not to this extent. I do have the option to go into my work's office, and I think if I lived alone I'd make the effort to do so more often. But it's a long commute away, so even making work friends wouldn't impact my day-to-day life.

The properties I have been looking at that are in my budget are in areas that are a bit isolated from things which I worry about as I don't drive. There are buses but they are unreliable and still a 15-20 minute walk from the nearest bus stop. I don't know if that's feasible? I do have a driving license, but won't be able to afford to run a car if I move out.

Part of me wonders if I should rent a flat somewhere a bit busier/central, even though rent is more expensive than a mortgage?

OP posts:
BoundaryGirl3939 · 04/08/2024 10:38

No one size fits all. Do what suits you. Many adults moved out of their family homes because they simply did not get on well with their parents. You do though. You're on your own journey. Don't compare yourself to others.
Keep saving, you will eventually meet someone down the line, and then buy.

If you don't want to be in a property by yourself, then don't be. If it's not broke, then don't fix it. Things are fine as they are.

Harrumphhhh · 04/08/2024 10:40

With your update, how about if you set yourself a plan to stay at home and keep saving for another two years (so that you can afford somewhere in a more convenient location) and also used that time to try to widen your social circle?

Nothing dramatic. Just join a weekly club or take a night class? Commit to getting out once or twice a week? Volunteer? Part time job in a bar?

UmberPanda · 04/08/2024 10:40

No sure of this has been suggested but would you consider moving out and having a lodger? You could choose who you live with and therefore be independent but also not be totally alone? There would also therefore be a bit of extra financial help

Lovingsummers · 04/08/2024 10:41

If it's working for everyone, then it's no problem if everyone is happy. In some cultures multi-generational living is the norm.

I'd just make sure you have your own independent life outside the family too.

If you think you'd be happier living somewhere more central, can you save a bit longer to do that? Buy a house and rent it so you have that investment and option there?

ohtowinthelottery · 04/08/2024 10:42

Our 28 year old DS lives at home and also works from home most of the time. For quite a while after he moved back home (after Uni) he didn't go out, had no hobbies and no local friends. He very much relied on us for company and we felt obliged to invite him to come out with us some of the time. He basically became reliant on us for company. I kept encouraging him to take up a hobby and eventually he did, which has led to him meeting someone and now he's hardly home outside of work time.
It's not good to become totally reliant on your parents for company. You need to branch out. I'm sure they love you being there, especially as their life is no doubt limited due to caring for your sister. But your parents won't be around forever, so unless you fully intend to become your sister's full carer you need to move out and make your own life. I would also say that your parents should also be thinking about arrangements for your sister so she is set up for life before anything happens to your parents.

keepYourDogQuiet · 04/08/2024 10:42

I agree with a PP about your update. I'd knuckle down and start some serious saving. Keep studying what's for sale and see if something pops up that's in a better location.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 04/08/2024 10:43

I think you need to get yourself some independence. Your whole life sounds so limited and restricted because of your choice to stay home.

Smidge001 · 04/08/2024 10:43

Why don't you look at houses nearer your work's office? Then it won't be a long commute, and you may build more local friendships with other colleagues. Is it too expensive there? If so, consider renting, or buying and getting a lodger to help with the expense.

OriginalUsername2 · 04/08/2024 10:44

I think it’s nice to live together as a family unit if you’re all happy with the situation. There are too many lonely people out there. A lack of housing. More and more families separated across the country. Sounds good to me if you all get along nicely.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/08/2024 10:45

Do what you want.ife is too short to be unhappy but definitely buy the house. They make a great pension investment and will always go up in price.

Choochoo21 · 04/08/2024 10:45

The properties I have been looking at that are in my budget are in areas that are a bit isolated from things which I worry about as I don't drive.

As you are still unsure about moving out, I would just save like mad to get a bigger deposit.

You can then afford somewhere less isolated and then decide from there.

Whether you live in it yourself or just rent it out, I do think it’s a good idea to get into the property ladder now while you’re in a great position to do so.

In the meantime, I would focus on socialising.
Perhaps just joining a gym or club.

Scarletrunner · 04/08/2024 10:46

are there suitable properties near your parents - then you can pop round for lunch each day, help with shopping or whatever if needed?