To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

[AtHomeForever]

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

Nope you’re not being unreasonable. Do what is best for you not what you think people expect of you. I had an uncle that except from being in the army for a few years never left home. No one ever thought twice about him living with his parents / family.

I think realistically it’s a good thing to move out especially in your 30s. You need to learn the life skills of managing a home and the finances that come with it. You seem very reliant on your parents and I’m not sure how healthy that is at your age. I don’t think a few more years would matter but I would definitely be looking to move out soon.

My main worry if you didn't move out, would be that you'd lack the motivation to 'put yourself out there'. Perhaps there is a benefit to feeling alone? It may prompt you to seek out company and experiences.

Nearly every decision we make can be undone, not many things are permanent. So try not to see buying your own place as an irreversible step. You could buy somewhere, move out and after a while, if the worst was to happen and you are deeply unhappy, sell and move back home or rent the properly out and move back. Lots of options. No reason to be stuck alone and unhappy forever. So I'd take the leap and see where you land!

You don't have to live alone. You could take in a lodger (a friend maybe if you work on friendships?). You could have pets.

As things are, it might work for now.

If your parents need care, or are no longer able to care for your sister - would there be an expectation that you would be a live in carer? Are you ok with that?

It can be hard to develop romantic relationships while still living at home in your thirties. It would be easier if you had your own space. It's even hard having to entertain friends in the family home. If you had your own home you could invite whoever you wanted whenever you wanted and they'd feel comfortable. Fast forward 5 years...many of your peers will be married or partnered with young kids. They could have you over for coffee or dinner but could you comfortably reciprocate if your parents and sisters will be home too.

Gently...you are likely to outlive your parents. If you never meet the right person to settle down with and you never move out, the hit of being in your 40s or 50s, losing your parents, being the sole carer for your sister and still living in the family home will be enormous. You'd essentially be delaying some discomfort from living alone in your 30s in favour of massive pain down the line.

What if the family home had to be sold to fund social care? You could end up in a very precarious living situation?

Your working from home, living with parents who seem to be your social circle too...it's ok for now but please think carefully about your future. It could be so much more than this.

@MacDonaldandHobNobs

As opposed to living a lonely life in her own place, isolated and alone. That doesn't make sense either.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing! The OP could continue to live at home whilst working on the other aspects of her life.
I know a woman in her forties who lives at home. All she talks about is her family. I'm close to my family too, and that's lovely! But co-dependence isn't good.
The idea of moving out has thrown up some big questions about the OP's life. In my humble opinion anyway, it's not a good thing to ignore this and carry on as you are.

If your parents are happy for you to stay, than stay! It's a no brainer x

Can you afford somewhere with an extra bedroom so that you can get a (carefully chosen!) lodger?

Stay where you are now and focus on getting out into the world a bit more, trying new hobbies, and making friends.

Isn't this a bit too simplistic?

Life is so much more than working at home, having lunch with your parents everyday and never going out, socialising or being independent.

Would you want that for your adult child - really?

I think as others have said this is a bigger question than just moving out or not, it’s about your lifestyle as a whole.

Dont you want more out of life? I’m not saying you have to get married, have kids etc but what do you want from your life overall? Your world sounds very small and limited, but there’s a whole world out there!

What will happen in the long term with care for your sister? Would there be an expectation that you will become her carer if anything happened to your parents?

If everyone is happy with the set up... then everyone is happy with the set up!

There are no 'rules' about how to live when it comes to things like this.

Our son moved out when he was 23. He lives in a house share with friends, so not alone. I fully expect our youngest to do something similar at that age. It would really worry me to have a son or daughter still living at home at 30 and I’d be doing everything I could to encourage them to be independent.

Do what makes you happy.

If your parents are happy to have you, and you're happy there, I don't really see the issue.
I have a good friend who is about 36/37 who still lives at home with her mum, and is long term single. Her twin sister is long gone, married with 2 kids.
Yes, it's not the "norm" in our culture, but it is perfectly normal and the done thing in MANY other cultures around the world for the children to stay in the family home until they are married.

That being said, getting out in the world and cutting the apron strings might be the best thing you ever did. You might also want to think about what happens to your sister when your parents get too old to cope. I'm almost 40 and in my 30s I lost my dad, and while my mum is still fit and very spry, I'd say she's aged a lot in this decade. She's almost 70.

Have you thought about renting somewhere for a while? Just as a taster before committing to buying.

Stay a bit longer at your parents, sounds like this would be the best thing for you right now. Don’t feel pressured to move out

I feel like moving out would be good for you. Your only socialisation is your parents and your sister? That doesn't sound healthy to me. Moving out will give you the push and freedom to try out hobbies, meet people, have actual adult friendships and relationships. Your parents can't be responsible for your entire social life forever aswell as being carers to your sister. 30 years of being full time parents to two kids feels pretty draining.

When I was growing up, we lived with my grandparents. Mum only moved out in her mid 40s. My cousin (early 30s) still lives with my grandmother. She appreciates the company. I would quite happily live with her if it wasn’t for the fact that she is in a different country. So I don’t think you need to move out.
But, you do need to look at improving your social life. Otherwise you are in for a massive shock when your parents are gone and you find yourself completely alone and a career for your sister. I would also buy a property and look at letting it for now. I bough a flat at 25 and never lived in it but it gave me an opportunity to really mature, gain confidence in the fact that I can do “adulting” and a little bit of rental income over the last 15 years.

I come from a culture were multi generational living is common and as said it works, if all parties are on board. I know a few older, divorced, brother and sisters living together and it works brilliantly. Things to consider:
What happens when your parents die or need a care home? You'd need secure housing and I'd buy somewhere and rent it out. So you aren't in your 40/50/60 and homeless or priced out of your area. In cultures were people live together, there would usually be family members, even extended family/someone from the religious community etc who would take in "Aunty/Uncle". The downside in the UK is that's unlikely.

You need other interests. You will be totally bereft as your parents age. I know of a woman in your position, but she had work friends and went to the match with her Dad, on a season ticket, so had that circle, as well as DNs.
Speak to your parents and ask for honesty. Have a think first about how much care you'd be willing to commit to etc.

You’re very much in your comfort zone OP. That’s ok but will you look back in 10, 20 years time and regret not being a little bit braver. Seeing what life has to offer you beyond living with your parents, making a life for you.

You could buy and rent a bedroom out for company? Spareroom and other sites. It's an option.

There is no right or wrong answer OP, if everyone is happy that means more than anything.

If everyone is happy then it’s fine! I can’t really imagine my children living at home at 30 but I know people that do. Perhaps you could try to widen your social circle by joining some groups or something so that you can start to make a life outside your home, and then move out in the future when you feel ready.

Also OP, do you not go on any holidays? I'm considering the solo holiday providers because my DP isn't as interested because of health issues. I've seen younger women try them and gave a great time in places like Bali etc.

Yes, it's not the "norm" in our culture, but it is perfectly normal and the done thing in MANY other cultures around the world for the children to stay in the family home until they are married.

There's a big difference between someone who lives at home but has an active social life, a job (out of the house), potentially a partner and lots of interests - and someone in OP's shoes who relies on her parents for absolutely everything and barely seems to leave the house, though.

I did the former, so absolutely no criticism towards adults living at home, but the latter scenario just seems incredibly unhealthy to me.

It does sound like you need to build up more of an independent life for yourself separate from whether you move out or not.

I used to live in shared houses then eventually bought my own place in my early 30s. I hated being on my own there even for one night! I got two lodgers which I needed to pay the bills and that helped and it was very sociable. Then I had a partner and we bought a place together. Now I’m a single parent and can’t wait to have my house to myself!! Living alone would be a luxury!

What do you see for yourself in your future? Do you want a family/children yourself? I agree with pps that you don’t have to live in your own place if you are happy where you are but what will life look like when your parents are not here any more?

The buying a place to rent out is a good idea but not simple and it does not suit everyone.

There is no "should" here. You must do whatever suits you and whatever you are happiest with.

It might be wise to make active efforts to extend your circle and outside interests though.