To think DP should've dropped everything to be with me? Perhaps I'm needy.

[mertlegr]

DP lives a mile away from me. We've been together on and off for five years.

He has recently spent six months travelling Asia with his friends. This happened about a month after he got back.

The previous night, he had told me to let him know by 2pm the following day if I'd be free for hun to come over.

I work in healthcare and had to deal with the death of a baby (my first experience). This was obviously unexpected, so I missed the 2pm deadline.

When I got chance, I was texting him to let him know I was dealing with a death. I told him it had really affected me, and that it was the worst day I have ever had at work.

He said "I doubt I'll be free now".

He was in the pub with friends, and then had people back over to his garden where they were no doubt smoking weed. At this point he was seeing his friends essentially 7 days a week.

He started a new job a couple of weeks after that.

His justification for this, is that the chapter of seeing his friends every day was about to close, and that spending time with them was important. As he'd only be seeing them on the weekends once starting the new job.

When I say "you had two options, and you chose to drink and smoke with your friends. Like you have been doing for the last seven months" he says I am over simplifying it, and taking it out of context.

AIBU? Am I expecting too much?

He really needs to go. Dump him.

you say its an on and off relationship so I would say off would be a better choice for you

Don’t waste anymore time on him.

Once he starts this job, he will prioritise seeing his friends and drop you at a moments notice when they are available.

So your messages went something like this.....

---OMG I'm having an awful day. A baby died today. Such a shock I've never dealt with this before!

--- I'm busy

You've grown up. He hasn't.
Weed matters more to him.

Out of the friends I had that smoked weed beyond dabbling at uni, their long term relationships/ marriages all broke up because of the effect of their depressed or erratic mental health.

I don't like the normalisation of its use. It brings out the selfishness in people and is at least as damaging as alcohol- just more mentally.

You're worth much more than this. Alone, you're no less supported than being subject to his whims, and being single gives you a better chance of finding a grown-up to share life with.

Don’t most people only really see their friends at weekends because they have jobs? Although surely he has some time after work - what job is he doing?
Also if he has no time to see people during the week and will be spending all his weekends with his friends, when will he see you?

This. I'm sitting here crying, reading this.

I don't think he's right for you. If he can't take a night off from his friends and recreational drugs then it's a red flag.
Plus weed stinks vile.

Sounds like there is some kind of sunk cost fallacy with how this ‘relationship’ is continuing. Please come back to tell us you have dumped him. Good luck!

You wasted 6 months of your time waiting for someone who went travelling, I personally wouldn’t waste any more.

People change after travelling, none of my friends have come back the same person - not necessarily a bad thing, just very used to doing their own thing.

He doesn’t sound ready for a relationship tbh

There is no such thing as 'the one' It's made up nonsense. There are many peopke who you would be able to have a great relationship with, and one who is ready for a committed long term relationship, which doesn't sound like your DP. Nothing wrong with him not wanting a serious relationship at mid 20's but if you do, he's not the one for you.

Thank you everyone.

I've tried so many times to leave, and failed. I don't know what's wrong with me!

What stood out to me was that you have been together on and off for five years

If you were right together you would simply have been on for all this time.

The low priority he puts on supporting you is the kind of thing much older women just put up with after years of marriage and children, because it isn’t practical to leave.

At your stage of life I would absolutely advise ending it. There are still so many good men out there in your mid twenties. He is not one of them.

There is nothing wrong with you, you are just used to him. Anyone would find it hard to leave a five-year relationship. But being used to someone doesn’t mean you are a good match, even though it can feel that way.

My interpretation-
HIM -let me know by 2pm if I’m likely to get a shag . If I don’t hear from you by then I’ll be in the pub with my mates.
You- I’ve had an awful experience at work and need support.
HIM - ( thinks- O-oh, no shag and needs comfort)
I doubt I’ll be free now”.
There ARE better men out there. You are low down on his list of priorities. He’s telling you this very clearly.
Stop valuing yourself so badly that you accept it.

Didn't you post about this a week or so ago? The advice won't have changed since then.

Unless he’s willing to put the effort in and show you that he’s 100% into you then he’s not your one no matter how badly you hoped he would be.

But you don’t live with him, so you don’t have to leave 🤷‍♀️

get rid.

What about spending precious time with you though? He’ll only see his friends on weekends because of his job.. well yeah.. that’s kind of what being an adult means!? And so he’ll be working in the week seeing the precious friends at weekends.. where does that leave time with you?

Regardless of all the above simply he wasn’t there for you when you needed him and is now gaslighting you into thinking you’re needy and in the wrong for feeling how you feel - which is totally valid by the way.

Let this one go, you’re not on the same page and never will be. He’s a bum whereas you sound like you have your head screwed on.. you deserve better!

Jesus Christ how are you still there?

I honestly don’t think you can help some people.

Leave him or come back in a decade complaining what a shit husband and father he is as he never prioritises you or the children. One of my sisters dated a waster, I gave her my opinion on him, he also didn’t like me. She divorced ten years later and he left her in debt. I mean some women marry or have kids with men and they change, you do not have that excuse as you know he is crap already.

You either have bad self esteem and are too grateful, those self esteem issues could be for a myriad of reasons or you had bad relationships modelled to you by your parents or other significant adults in your younger life.

Really can’t think how to resolve this.
Oh, wait…

Why so mean and rude?