To think DP should've dropped everything to be with me? Perhaps I'm needy.

[mertlegr]

DP lives a mile away from me. We've been together on and off for five years.

He has recently spent six months travelling Asia with his friends. This happened about a month after he got back.

The previous night, he had told me to let him know by 2pm the following day if I'd be free for hun to come over.

I work in healthcare and had to deal with the death of a baby (my first experience). This was obviously unexpected, so I missed the 2pm deadline.

When I got chance, I was texting him to let him know I was dealing with a death. I told him it had really affected me, and that it was the worst day I have ever had at work.

He said "I doubt I'll be free now".

He was in the pub with friends, and then had people back over to his garden where they were no doubt smoking weed. At this point he was seeing his friends essentially 7 days a week.

He started a new job a couple of weeks after that.

His justification for this, is that the chapter of seeing his friends every day was about to close, and that spending time with them was important. As he'd only be seeing them on the weekends once starting the new job.

When I say "you had two options, and you chose to drink and smoke with your friends. Like you have been doing for the last seven months" he says I am over simplifying it, and taking it out of context.

AIBU? Am I expecting too much?

What a

He’s far too immature for an adult relationship- his friends are still his priority after five years together. Throw this one back.

I’m afraid this young man does not sound the right person for you. He has different priorities to yours, I think. It might be better for you both to move on, I’m sure there’s someone out there more suitable for you.

I think he already had a drink or two in him and made a bad judgement call on this and doesn’t want to row back now and admit he was wrong.

Do I think he’s “the one” for you? No, you sound like you’re in very different places with different expectations. You describe him as a DP - he’s not, he’s just a boyfriend, one who by the sounds of it, you’ve outgrown.

Thank you.

Posted too soon.

Say:

Thank you, but no thank you. We are in different places and feel we should go our separate ways.

He isn't your boyfriend (just a fukc buddy) and that's fine if you're both happy with that.

I personally wouldn't waste any more time. In a proper relationship you are each other's priority.

Aim a bit higher than some sad old druggie

He’s already saying he’s going to spend weekends with his mates, where would you fit in?

He really isn’t’ the one. He does not love you and he does not see you as a priority, you will only ever be disappointed by him. Get rid now before you invest any more time and emotion

And here lies the problem OP. You were understandably upset by his selfishness, but are willing to put your feelings aside to be with him. Is this a pattern? I wonder how much in the relationship you tolerate, back down on in order to placate him. Do you want more from the relationship, like marriage or a family? After 5 years you are effectively still dating, and he continues to act like a single man. I just wonder how much of this is your choice? I'm not saying that you shouldn't be open to change, but you seem a little too willing and keen to do so.

Hopefully, you aren't posting again because you are out painting the town red after kicking him to the curb.

He is a casual boyfriend - there for the good times when he is available but when things are tough he is elsewhere.

He comes on weeknights and Fridays for his dinner and a cuddle, but you don't get his whole weekends or any daytimes. He can jog on.

He is not the one. This is the boyfriend who makes you roll your eyes when you are his insta posts in 5 years time and mutter 'tosser!' about.

You will be better off building your twenties without him 💐💐💐

End it. You’re wasting your time with him. He’s not committed to you or your relationship. So find someone that is, or just enjoy being on your own and uncommitted. This guy is wasting your 20s.

@HoppingPavlova- respectfully, I strongly disagree. Whilst I would never share the details due to confidentiality, I would tell a partner / friend if it was a particularly harrowing loss to get that support. The days of compartmentalise and move on seem to be over, and I'm glad about that. Absolutely most of your support should be from colleagues, but expecting a partner to give you support when your e,options are raw, is a very small thing to expect of them. He is selfish, and the relationship, to me, is a fair weather relationship, if the OP needs more than that, she won't get it with him

I remember coming back from the hospital at 9 weeks pregnant with my first (desperately wanted and much loved) baby. They said I was probably going to miscarry, bed rest, no stress and see what happens. I got home, shut the curtains and lay in bed crying.

He started getting ready. I asked where he was going. ‘It’s Wednesday - football.’ I should’ve left him there and then. His priorities remained the same and my heart breaks for my poor 13 year old when he treats them the same way he did me.

Save yourself the heartache and chuck him, there are good men out there.

-edit to say no one else knew I was pregnant yet at this point so I was left alone at home with no one to confide in etc

Where do all these ghastly men come from? How and why do women partner up with them? Are we so desperate?

"When I got chance, I was texting him to let him know I was dealing with a death. I told him it had really affected me, and that it was the worst day I have ever had at work.
He said "I doubt I'll be free now".

This is a pretty callous response! Is this what you want from a life partner?

You only get one life. And one youth.

Don't spend a great chunk of it, that you won't get back, dragging a great emotional weight about.

You're not on the same page. He won't turn into the person you think you want. You will never be happy if you try to turn yourself into the person you think he wants - she's out there ready-made, not necessarily in the form you imagine, and when he finds her he'll be off, rather than wait to see whether or not you succeed in your transformation.

Make a fulfilling life for yourself, with or without a man. And don't waste your time with anyone who doesn't fill you with joy and confidence. You are worth that.

And smoking that much dope can have serious mental health consequences OP. Please don't persuade yourself that you can deal with it.

5 years on/off. Time to go to OFF full time and find a grown up who prioritises you.

He went to his friend's house this evening and smoked weed.

Only seeing them and smoking on the weekend has lasted two weeks.

Life gets messy , he’s a complete twat
dump his sorry arse and move on
you deserve better
it will me thinks get worse
not ok

Why have you got such low standards?

Thats not a dig - it’s a genuine question because you don’t seem to value yourself at all and it’s really awful.

You are not needy at all, you are completely normal. Where do you want to be in 5-10 years? If the answer is partnered/married with kids, you need to break up with him and free yourself to have the opportunity to meet someone capable of adult maturity.

As MerryOldGoat has asked, why have you got such low standards? Who taught you your needs and wants aren't valid or important? Who taught you that you need to go along with what everyone else wants and never stand up for yourself or demand anything?

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Honestly get rid, it will only get worse.