To think DP should've dropped everything to be with me? Perhaps I'm needy.

[mertlegr]

DP lives a mile away from me. We've been together on and off for five years.

He has recently spent six months travelling Asia with his friends. This happened about a month after he got back.

The previous night, he had told me to let him know by 2pm the following day if I'd be free for hun to come over.

I work in healthcare and had to deal with the death of a baby (my first experience). This was obviously unexpected, so I missed the 2pm deadline.

When I got chance, I was texting him to let him know I was dealing with a death. I told him it had really affected me, and that it was the worst day I have ever had at work.

He said "I doubt I'll be free now".

He was in the pub with friends, and then had people back over to his garden where they were no doubt smoking weed. At this point he was seeing his friends essentially 7 days a week.

He started a new job a couple of weeks after that.

His justification for this, is that the chapter of seeing his friends every day was about to close, and that spending time with them was important. As he'd only be seeing them on the weekends once starting the new job.

When I say "you had two options, and you chose to drink and smoke with your friends. Like you have been doing for the last seven months" he says I am over simplifying it, and taking it out of context.

AIBU? Am I expecting too much?

This isn’t a relationship. At all. He’s been away for months doing fuck knows what. He doesn’t support you. He doesn’t even care about you. You’re a shag to him. He’s also a waster stoner. You’re so much better than this. Chuck him in the bin and in time you’ll meet someone decent. You don’t need this tramp in your life.

Thank you for pointing out the obvious and being wholly unhelpful.
Did you mean this comment to be so rude?

Anyway, - so now he's getting a job, he'll only see his friends at the weekend?
So none of his friends work during week??? You can tell an awful lot about someone by the company they keep. A bunch of unemployed stoners in this case.
Also, he's made it clear he'll be spending his weekends with his unemployed mates, not you.
Seriously. You deserve so much better.

So he's going to start a job and will then prioritise seeing friends at the weekend. Where do you fit into it all? It doesn't sound likes he's all that invested in you or the relationship. I personally wouldn't waste any more time on this person. He sounds immature, self absorbed and really not a good partner

@PurplePlunger - We live in Aus… You’re probably right though. Was probably a taxi. It was a long time ago. He’d do the same for our kids too.

My partner would never do that to me.

I agree with previous posters: dump him and find someone better.

The previous night, he had told me to let him know by 2pm the following day if I'd be free for him to come over.

Okay, so just putting myself in his shoes here, if I told my boyfriend to let me know by 2pm the next day (?!) if they were free, and they didn't immediately say "yeah let's do something", then I would assume they were not particularly bothered about seeing me and make alternative plans. I'm not waiting around for someone to let me know if they want to see me or not.

He may have been miffed that you didn't let him know, and when you did it was at the very last minute and because you had had a bad day at work, so "needed" him, rather than "wanted" to see him if that makes sense. I have an anxious avoidant attachment style and would probably be a bit pissed off if I was your boyfriend in this scenario. I will also add that I work in healthcare, and have been present deaths etc. It's always horrible, but you need to find a way to either leave it at work or talk to other people who work in healthcare who will understand.

But that aside, sounds like your relationship doesn't have much of a future and you're probably best off ending it sooner rather than later, but only you know what to do.

I’m not sure why you described him as DP. He’s clearly just an on/off boyfriend or fuck buddy. You have a very different view of your relationship than he does.

Is there a reason why your self esteem is so low that you have hung around this waste of space for so long? I would recommend counselling for you to unravel that so you can move forward with better boundaries and higher standards.

He's just not that into you- sorry. Time to move on unless you want to be asking yourself if he's really arsed about you for years.

i couldn’t be with someone like that. Raise your standards, get rid of him and find someone better.

Personally I don't understand why grown ups smoke weed like some bad A ass rebel teenagers....it's pathetic.
And to be blunt he's pathetic "oh I want to see me fweinds" like again he's some teenager with FOMO . You need to have a relationship with an adult. Traveling round Asia is all well and good when your 19...he's going to be perpetual teenager I'm afraid

I think there are two separate issues here. Someone working in this type of job needs to be able to deal with patient deaths without calling on a partner/family member to "be with them". So that is rather needy.
BUT. All the other things that OP says about her partner suggest that he is not the right person for her, and he doesn't view the relationship as serious. So it may be the right thing to bring this to an end.

You've outgrown him - and it sounds like you did a while ago, but have been hanging on out of habit and loyalty.

He sounds very immature still, for someone in his mid-20s. Being all dramatic about a "chapter closing" because he's going to have a job and not be able to doss about with his mates all day.

He also sounds monumentally selfish. If you care about someone, then you prioritise them when they've had a shit time and need help. I wonder what he would have done if he'd been with you, and got a call from one of his mates telling him that they needed him as it was an emergency?

This person is not a partner - he's not even a fully fledged adult by the sounds of it. If you were to meet him for the first time now, would you look at him and think 'yes, that's the man I want to spend my life with'?

You did see where the OP said that this was the death of a baby, and it's the first time she's experienced this? And she's "needy" for wanting some comfort and support from someone who is supposed to love her? No wonder staff are leaving the NHS in droves if this is the level of understanding they get.

He doesn't sound like a reliable type. Get rid and find someone who will be there for you in difficult times.

Agree fully with this. You posted the exact same thread and had pretty much the same responses (although if I recall, you were more vague with him about wanting to see him after work).

If that one event is still bothering you weeks later, then it’s one of two things - it’s most likely the last straw of him not prioritising you so it’s really hurt you, or actually it’s the loss of the baby that has hit you and you’re projecting that pain on to this event.

So why are you still here trying to force this mismatched relationship to work? It shouldn't be this difficult.

You're young, don't chuck away your youth flogging a dead horse because you can't face letting go of your younger self's dream that he was "the one".

You're very clearly not the right fit for each other, let alone "the one". Let go, feel the grief, move forward.

He was spending "precious time" with his friends 7 days a week, and will still be able to see them at weekends. He was originally planning to see you if you had been able to get back to him in time. He could easily have spared half a day for you.

Must admit, I'm wondering about friends who are available 7 days a week to sit around in the pub and smoke weed. Do none of them work?

There are going to be other future awful events in your life. You're going to be exposed to some very traumatic situations through your job and you do not know what life will throw at you.

This man has made his bed. He is highly unlikely to react differently to future situations and you will be handling them alone/leaning into friends and family instead.

The only other time you may see him react different is if he makes it about him. If you have a near miss with an accident he could tell his friends how this made him feel and get great sympathy. Turning it around.

Like he's attempting to do now: turning around an awful situation and making it about what he needed to do and how you're just being a bit daft, it's not as simple as seeing his friends etc.

These are quite a few red flags that could help you decide to leave the relationship for good. You deserve better. Everyone does.

Also - if his 'everything' is being in his garden smokin' weed with his friends then....

Going on the old saying: You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with... then pick wisely.

Why is he your DP?

Somewhat harsh (purely my view) if you can't reach out and expect the people who love you to be there for you when you need them that is a really sad way to live (again, in my view).

This tells you all you need to know surely. 5 years of this non-commital crap is enough.

You are incompatible.

He is not the type of msn you want to be with and you cannot change him, so stop trying.

Its been 5 years, it obviously doesn’t work.

Close this book once and for all and pick up a new one.
End it today and don’t say in the on and off again real any longer.

Sounds like a very one sided relationship!
sorry for your work related loss!

Sorry OP but I don’t think you’re wrong at all, he has just been away doing god knows what with friends for 6 months and wanted to spend more time with his friends rather than supporting you? He’s a selfish prick!

I hope you haven’t slept with him since his trip? I’d be asking him to have sexual health checks after a 6 month lads trip to Asia!

Ge isn’t into this relationship as much as you are and I think you need to stop putting yourself down (you don’t need to change your views at all) you’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you.. don’t waste your twenties on this man who treats you like booty call

Can you share the link plz