To think DP should've dropped everything to be with me? Perhaps I'm needy.

[mertlegr]

DP lives a mile away from me. We've been together on and off for five years.

He has recently spent six months travelling Asia with his friends. This happened about a month after he got back.

The previous night, he had told me to let him know by 2pm the following day if I'd be free for hun to come over.

I work in healthcare and had to deal with the death of a baby (my first experience). This was obviously unexpected, so I missed the 2pm deadline.

When I got chance, I was texting him to let him know I was dealing with a death. I told him it had really affected me, and that it was the worst day I have ever had at work.

He said "I doubt I'll be free now".

He was in the pub with friends, and then had people back over to his garden where they were no doubt smoking weed. At this point he was seeing his friends essentially 7 days a week.

He started a new job a couple of weeks after that.

His justification for this, is that the chapter of seeing his friends every day was about to close, and that spending time with them was important. As he'd only be seeing them on the weekends once starting the new job.

When I say "you had two options, and you chose to drink and smoke with your friends. Like you have been doing for the last seven months" he says I am over simplifying it, and taking it out of context.

AIBU? Am I expecting too much?

This happened weeks ago, when there are lots of other problems, and you’re still with him? More fool you, at this point.

’not that into you’

I had two failed relationships in my 20’s… I regret giving both so much of my time!!
mine was ‘on/off’ like yours and that relationship taught me that once you separate it’s a sure sign you’re not meant to keep getting back together because it’s not fair to ask the other to change and you yourself shouldn’t compromise yourself by trying to change either… especially if that change is just to be a doormat to this manchild!
My second relationship I actually lived with, he was very jealous and controlling and I tried so hard to make it work, after we split I realised that relationships aren’t meant to be so one sided, nor should they be such hard work .. life is too short!!

I look back now and regret wasting my 20’s on relationships that just Had no future in them…. I don’t regret the relationships as they taught me life lessons, but I regret not leaving both a lot sooner… there were certainly plenty of red flags!!

Don’t ignore the red flags….. the fact a few posters have said you’ve posted about this relationship before suggests strongly that this is a regular thing and you just don’t mean enough to him for him to put you first! This won’t ever change, the more you stand for him treating you this way the more he’ll continue to do so…. If you challenge his behaviour he’ll gaslight you, say you’re needy etc…. Basically if you ask for more he’ll end it, if you don’t ask for more he’ll just wipe his feet on you till he meets someone he actually wants to prioritise!… End things, but do it properly this time!! Don’t stay in touch or any of the bullshit that allows him to work his way back … just end it and block him and don’t contact him ever again… In years to come you’ll look back and think thank God I ended it when I did (you’ll probably wish you had sooner!) ….

Also consider this : if you were out with your friends and your partner/friend or whoever messaged you saying they’d had a bad day and really needed you… would you rush to their side and offer support? I would cancel a night out ‘just boozing and sitting around a garden’ for someone that meant anything to me!….. hell I’d probably cancel friends even to help a distraught stranger out!…
Also if he’s starting a job that’s only leaving ‘weekends for his precious friends’… when is he fitting in time with you?? Just the weekends that his friends are busy??

Sorry @mertlegr but he’s a deadbeat who really isn’t good enough for you! As much as it’s upsetting now, future you will thank you for ditching this pot head!

Get rid. He’s showing you what the rest of your life could be like. He sounds like a total loser.

I don't expect that from him, or anyone, at all.

I'm newly qualified and it was an unexpected death. The first death I have ever experienced. Coupled with the fact I'd been having a tough few weeks anyway.

You should leave him. But I'm curious. Is he not that into you, or is this his innate character?

P.S - still leave

Just to answer some of the questions.

His friends are employed, they just all meet up in the evenings every day.

Since the "chapter" of his life ended, he has been coming to my house for a few hours most nights after work (he finishes at 7pm). And staying over at mine on a Friday night. Then spending Saturday night and Sunday with his friends.

I used "DP" for ease.

I don't know how you can describe someone as your 'DP' in these circumstances. It's a fuck buddy surely??

5 years on ‘on off’ but you ‘want him to be the one’?!

You do realise he’s just using you for sex while he waits for someone ‘better’ to come along, don’t you?

Come on op! You must realise that you’re being used here! There’s SO many better men out there, and you’re wasting time with this loser while all the good ones get taken!!

It all sounds very casual on his end.
I'd wonder how far up on the priority list you really are to him? Sometimes I think couples give each other space within the relationship and then end up actually behaving more like singletons in the end. The test really is whether he has ever really been there for you when you've needed him?
Don't sell yourself short, your job involves alot of giving and caring and you deserve the same in return to you.

You are not in a relationship!

'On and off relationship for five years,' not even close to living together yet, chose his mates over you, and he smokes weed; and you're still considering staying in a 'relationship' with this guy?! WTAF?!

Bin him and block him. Surely you're not that desperate @mertlegr ??? Raise your bar. Don't be one of these 'any man is better than no man' women! Even the weed smoking would make me throw him back in the sea! He sounds awful!

So why on earth are you still with him then?

If you limp along with him, this will be your life forever, so you need to do some serious reflection to decide if you can (or want to) put up with that.

I guarantee he won't change at all, ever. This will be your whole life, this will be what he's like when you're up with the kids, it won't change.

It doesn't sound like you or your feelings are his priority. He sounds selfish and immature.
Been there, done that. There will probably be more hurt down the line, especially if he doesn't see anything wrong with his actions.
You deserve to be someone's priority and sounds like you are a caring person. You deserve more than this, please recognise it. You are worth more.

So I was in a relationship in my early 20s with a guy who sounds similar to yours. Didn't put me first in lots of ways. I really wanted it to work. Finally dumped him for good after about 5 years. Best thing I ever did as a year later I met DH who always puts me first and has my back no matter what.

He's not that fussed about you. He prioritises his mates, his drinking, his drugs and himself.

Seriously. You are a young woman in your prime. Find someone who cares about you.

You mean you're open to being walked over and disrespected? He doesn't give a damn about you.

Save yourself the low self esteem and stress. Walk away from this pot head.

Sadly (given your feelings), based on your description of things, he isn’t your “partner”, he’s just your boyfriend. You have been seeing each other for 5-years, but your relationship hasn’t passed the threshold for partners. Wanting to spend 7 consecutive days with his mates and asking you to let him “know by 2pm if you’ll be available” all sounds pretty casual.

Don't

So you can't call him a 'friend with benefits' because I fail to see what benefit you're getting from any of this

Five years and you’re still on and off. He spent six months away and is now choosing to spend all his time with his friends. I’m sorry, this relationship isnt going anywhere. You’ll be on and off until he meets someone to settle down with.

Do yourself the biggest favour ever and throw him back.

He’s a twat. Get rid. Pot heads are boring. Mega boring.

I'd be absolutely done with him after that.
He basically just told you exactly how unimportant you are to him.

And fuck me there are some cold people out there.
I'd drop everything to be there for a distressed friend, never mind a distressed partner!
That's what you do for people who matter to you.
Not "oh you had a baby die on you and you're struggling? Yeah, soz about that but I'm having a few beers over here so nah, think you're on your own pal. I can't be arsed."

He’s not a keeper