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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should've dropped everything to be with me? Perhaps I'm needy.

228 replies

mertlegr · 04/08/2024 00:13

DP lives a mile away from me. We've been together on and off for five years.

He has recently spent six months travelling Asia with his friends. This happened about a month after he got back.

The previous night, he had told me to let him know by 2pm the following day if I'd be free for hun to come over.

I work in healthcare and had to deal with the death of a baby (my first experience). This was obviously unexpected, so I missed the 2pm deadline.

When I got chance, I was texting him to let him know I was dealing with a death. I told him it had really affected me, and that it was the worst day I have ever had at work.

He said "I doubt I'll be free now".

He was in the pub with friends, and then had people back over to his garden where they were no doubt smoking weed. At this point he was seeing his friends essentially 7 days a week.

He started a new job a couple of weeks after that.

His justification for this, is that the chapter of seeing his friends every day was about to close, and that spending time with them was important. As he'd only be seeing them on the weekends once starting the new job.

When I say "you had two options, and you chose to drink and smoke with your friends. Like you have been doing for the last seven months" he says I am over simplifying it, and taking it out of context.

AIBU? Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
AlsaceLorraine · 04/08/2024 07:46

Merryoldgoat · 04/08/2024 00:31

Why do you want him to be the one?

After 5 years of on/off you should know what your relationship is.

This is a waste of your time.

This. ‘Five years on and off’ is the key here. He’s not your ‘DP’, he’s just some guy you know with whom you sometimes sleep. You don’t have special status for him. I’d end things, concentrate on your job, do some therapy and think about why you were so desperate to compromise for someone not that interested, and not date again till I understood myself better.

Original poster
mertlegr · 04/08/2024 07:46

Fraaahnces · 04/08/2024 01:31

I think you can safely assume that you deserve better, darling. It’s absolutely not you… his priorities are hedonism first.

I had been dating mine for less than a month when I did prolonged CPR on a baby that didn’t make it. (On a plane). I was in shock he collected me from the airport, threw me in the shower, dried my hair with a towel (as best he could) while I was shaking all over, rugged me up in his fluffy robe and fed me soup and warm tea (which he had bought especially for me) until I stopped shaking. I slept for 20hrs. While I was sleeping, his flatmate kept an ear out for me while he got an Uber back to the airport and he collected my car. I don’t even remember ringing him from the airport when that flight landed.

I knew he was the one when I started feeling myself again. We’ve been married 23 years. Be kind to yourself and understand that someone in his position is simply not able to genuinely step up and be there for someone in yours, however, if the shoe is on the other foot, you are likely to have to step up for him. It doesn’t sound like much of a partnership, and you are not going to feel cared nurtured when you need it.

I can't imagine how horrendous this was, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Thank you for responding, he sounds like an incredible man.

OP posts:
CosmicDaisyChain · 04/08/2024 07:47

Part of me thinks that if you are in a relationship with someone you do not live with and it is on and off and they are a habitual weed smoker who prioritise holidays and friends then the solid foundation is probably not there for expecting reliability at a particular given moment. He has other priorities.

ZenNudist · 04/08/2024 07:49

He's showing you how little he cares about you. Bin him.

Tagyoureit · 04/08/2024 07:50

OMG, he is NOT the one!

He's shown you where you are on his list of priorities so believe him please.

Bin him off, block him, do not settle for this one!!

Dibbydoos · 04/08/2024 07:51

I can never quite get my head around hoe low women's standards are when it comes to a potential partners. This one is immature and unsupportive, get rid before you become so embroilled you'll serious hurt you if you get shut.

@mertlegr he isn't your DP he is your BF by the way.

Original poster
mertlegr · 04/08/2024 07:51

NoisyDenimShaker · 04/08/2024 04:25

No, you're not expecting too much. You had your first baby death and he should have zoomed over to be with you.

You did tell him the terrible thing that happened at work, right? Just that in our post you only say you had the worst day you've ever had, and some people might just take that as exaggeration unless they know the awful truth.

He knew.

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/08/2024 07:54

mertlegr · 04/08/2024 00:18

Both mid twenties.

Show quote history

A lot of men don't really grow up until they are in their 30s.

Obviously there are some very mature men in their mid-20s but I'm afraid most aren't.

I really wouldn't settle down with someone who is so immature and smokes weed when you don't like it.

He is still acting like a teenager and you need and deserve more than that.

Original poster
mertlegr · 04/08/2024 07:54

HoppingPavlova · 04/08/2024 05:55

I’m on a different route to most others and don’t blame him, and think you need to work on your ability to deal with such a situation and who your supports should be in such a situation.

Over the decades I’ve been part of many patient deaths, babies, children, teens, adults, the elderly. While some are heartbreakingly sad, you just can’t let it affect you. In the very early days, when we were not used to it, the ‘protocol’ was basically to reach out to an experienced oldie to offload and who gave advice on how best to manage this aspect. Then when we became the oldies we paid it forward. We would never have thought to rely on/dump this on friends/boyfriends/girlfriends/family or indeed peers at our own stage. I’ve never had flatmates, boyfriends or DH know when I had a death at work as I don’t think it’s something they should have to deal with. What on earth could they have contributed re assistance or advice? How did you expect your boyfriend to assist in this matter?

That sounds like a good system, I wish there was something like that at my workplace.

I didn't want assistance, or to offload. I didn't even want (or need) to to talk with him about it.

It would have just been nice for him to be present. To spend time with me while I was feeling crap. So I wasn't alone.

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/08/2024 07:55

mertlegr · 04/08/2024 07:51

He knew.

Show quote history

He is too immature and cares more about having fun with his friends than supporting you.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 04/08/2024 07:56

mertlegr · 04/08/2024 07:46

I can't imagine how horrendous this was, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Thank you for responding, he sounds like an incredible man.

Show quote history

No - that's it's not incredible it's just decent human being behaviour and partnership towards someone this particular man clearly cared a lot about. It's what you would expect someone who cared about you to do in that situation.

mitogoshi · 04/08/2024 07:56

If after 5 years you are on and off i suspect it's just a convenient casual relationship for him, not the one. He also does drugs, they will always be his priority.

In this instance he was obviously looking to make arrangements so i actually have more sympathy but overall ditch him

Kriscross · 04/08/2024 07:57

Icepearl · 04/08/2024 00:15

wow, he chose smoking cannabis over supporting you when you needed it and were asking for it. Throw this one back

5 years of him! Sounds like 1 day is too long. Dump.

You can do better.

PurplePlunger · 04/08/2024 07:58

Fraaahnces · 04/08/2024 01:31

I think you can safely assume that you deserve better, darling. It’s absolutely not you… his priorities are hedonism first.

I had been dating mine for less than a month when I did prolonged CPR on a baby that didn’t make it. (On a plane). I was in shock he collected me from the airport, threw me in the shower, dried my hair with a towel (as best he could) while I was shaking all over, rugged me up in his fluffy robe and fed me soup and warm tea (which he had bought especially for me) until I stopped shaking. I slept for 20hrs. While I was sleeping, his flatmate kept an ear out for me while he got an Uber back to the airport and he collected my car. I don’t even remember ringing him from the airport when that flight landed.

I knew he was the one when I started feeling myself again. We’ve been married 23 years. Be kind to yourself and understand that someone in his position is simply not able to genuinely step up and be there for someone in yours, however, if the shoe is on the other foot, you are likely to have to step up for him. It doesn’t sound like much of a partnership, and you are not going to feel cared nurtured when you need it.

Much as I agree, minicab surely? Uber didn't exist 23 years ago.

ApplesonTuesdays · 04/08/2024 07:59

5 years is a long time to be in a long distance relationship. Did he (not you) have any plans on thr progression of the relationship?

TikehauLilly · 04/08/2024 08:03

Yanbu and need to move on.

However he is mid 20s, finished travelling, about to start a in , he is allowed to be selfish BUT therefore shouldn't be in a relationship where he is out of sync with your priorities/ life stage

It's no one's fault just wrong time

Twolittleloves · 04/08/2024 08:04

Don't waste your time on someone like this....plenty more fish in the sea....he won't change.

Move on and you'll be glad you did when you find someone worthy of being 'the one' and the ability to support you though bad times needs to be an essential on your tick list next time!

Original poster
mertlegr · 04/08/2024 08:05

ApplesonTuesdays · 04/08/2024 07:59

5 years is a long time to be in a long distance relationship. Did he (not you) have any plans on thr progression of the relationship?

Yes.

I've held back because of multiple events and behaviours from him that have meant progression would be unwise.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/08/2024 08:06

He didn't necessarily do anything wrong. He's an on off boyfriend and hasn't put you near the top of his priorities. But it can be your crystal ball moment. Will he ever put your needs first? He may not be the right person for you long term.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that at work, that must have been very hard. Be kind to yourself.

Flossflower · 04/08/2024 08:11

I am sorry. That day for you must have been awful. You call him your partner but at best he is a terrible boyfriend. This is not going to improve as you both get older. You should have someone who will put you first when you need it. It really would be best to let him go now.

anxioussister · 04/08/2024 08:13

He isn’t going to change. People just don’t really. He’s showing you who he is. It doesn’t matter really who’s ‘right’ here - what matters is that you felt unsupported by him at a time you really wanted help / love / his presence. Instead of acknowledging you might feel hurt or neglected - he’s justifying himself and needing to be correct.

Perhaps the most important decision you make in your life is who you life partner is. You are so young still - don’t spend all your life force trying to turn this man into someone he isn’t and losing yourself in the process. There is a world full of kind supportive people who will show up for you the way you show up for them. My friends (now all middle aged) and I who are the happiest aren’t the ones who clung on to romantic ideas about ‘the one’ or love being enough to change people. They are the ones who knew their self worth, broke up with high school boyfriends who weren’t pulling their weight before they got locked in with children + marriage.

I think it’s worth taking a step back from him, taking some time to evaluate what you wants and make the space to create something mutually supportive + life affirming with someone with the same value system as you.

ttcat37 · 04/08/2024 08:16

mertlegr · 04/08/2024 07:45

I did. But this was prior to his response. There is added detail now, more context for people to form an opinion.

So

  1. I knew I would get a more rounded view from people, hearing both sides of the argument.
  1. Opinions may have been different, given this new information.
  1. It is causing problems between us again, as I cannot let go of it.
  1. I'm glad I posted again, as it's giving me a kick up the arse.
  1. Thank you for pointing out the obvious and being wholly unhelpful.
Show quote history

There’s no more detail than before? There’s less detail, iirc you were advised to remove your post at the time because of too much detail.

If you can’t let it go after all this time then I would suggest you’re still struggling with the event at work. You need to speak to work if you haven’t already. This is important- counselling as soon as possible after a traumatic incident vastly reduces the risk of PTSD.

In the grand scheme of things what your boyfriend did wasn’t the end of the world and if you can’t get over it then I’d suggest you’re looking for a reason to end it. You say yourself you’ve put the brakes on and at 5 years and not living together etc then I’d say stop wasting your time on someone who acts like they’re 15.

StMarieforme · 04/08/2024 08:20

He should have come to support you.

If he was your partner then he would have done.

He sounds very childish, as he seems to be compartmentalising his life with is 'before that part is over' crap.

You will have a lifetime of no support and childishness and you deserve better. He does not respect you or your work.

Finish it.

gardenmusic · 04/08/2024 08:21

He is not your partner.
At best he is a date, and quite a rubbish one at that.
He is not partner material, time to find someone who will value you more.

Izzynohopanda · 04/08/2024 08:25

mertlegr · 04/08/2024 08:05

Yes.

I've held back because of multiple events and behaviours from him that have meant progression would be unwise.

Show quote history

‘Progression would be unwise’

interesting comment. After five years, does ‘progression’’ look any ‘wiser’ now?

Don’t waste your life waiting for a ‘wise’ time. Go and live your life.

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