To think DP should've dropped everything to be with me? Perhaps I'm needy.

[mertlegr]

DP lives a mile away from me. We've been together on and off for five years.

He has recently spent six months travelling Asia with his friends. This happened about a month after he got back.

The previous night, he had told me to let him know by 2pm the following day if I'd be free for hun to come over.

I work in healthcare and had to deal with the death of a baby (my first experience). This was obviously unexpected, so I missed the 2pm deadline.

When I got chance, I was texting him to let him know I was dealing with a death. I told him it had really affected me, and that it was the worst day I have ever had at work.

He said "I doubt I'll be free now".

He was in the pub with friends, and then had people back over to his garden where they were no doubt smoking weed. At this point he was seeing his friends essentially 7 days a week.

He started a new job a couple of weeks after that.

His justification for this, is that the chapter of seeing his friends every day was about to close, and that spending time with them was important. As he'd only be seeing them on the weekends once starting the new job.

When I say "you had two options, and you chose to drink and smoke with your friends. Like you have been doing for the last seven months" he says I am over simplifying it, and taking it out of context.

AIBU? Am I expecting too much?

Come on OP he's told you exactly where you're in his life.

Bottom rung of the ladder.

Aren't you worth more than that ?

It’s not a serious relationship. At least from his perspective

Yep. He lost any credibility in my eyes as soon as you said he was smoking weed. Vile.

He isn't The One. He is the one before the one. Do yourself a favour and dump him.

From my most mumsy place, I want to tell you he isn't your path. You are sensible, mature, you have a serious job and want something leading to marriage and babies one day. He is on another path and they are not going to the same place.

It's OK to be heartbroken. It isn't OK to be too scared to follow your own path and spend your precious time chasing a bo who is chasing his friends, chilling out and his own personal development. You need to prioritise yourself the way he is prioritising himself.

He is showing you so clearly that you are not a priority. You're someone to hang out with when he isn't travelling or seeing his friends - basically whenever you slot in. It's a bootycall in relationship.costume

He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care whether you are happy or sad. Presumably, he just likes to have sex with you when it’s convenient for him, slotted around his travelling and jollies with his mates.

He sounds unbelievably selfish and immature. You had to deal with a devastating event - beyond horrendous - and his priority was getting stoned with his no doubt fuckwitted mates.

He really doesn’t care much about you and he’s showing you that. Dump him without hesitation.

He has shown you who he is, and what his priorities are. You deserve better than this. The next time you go through a traumatic experience at work, and you will, is he who you want to be there, or more accurately not there, to support you? It is normal and natural and human of you to be affected by the death of a baby. The natural response of a decent human being, whether your partner or your friend or your family member, would be to want to be there to support you. And he didn't. This was your first such experience, so incredibly shocking, but let's be honest, it never gets easy. And it should not. None of us would want to be the person unaffected by the death of a baby or child. And next time you face trauma, he will again be indifferent. You can do so much better than him.

For yourself, reach out to your colleagues, because they are the ones who will get it, on a visceral level. The ones that will understand that you wanted to howl against the utter tragic unfairness of it. That you were closing your eyes and still seeing the little one's face. That you could hear in your mind the indescribable sound of a bereaved parent. He couldn't get all that. But he could have fucking been there to give you a cuddle and feed you chocolate. And he wasn't.

You may think he’s your boyfriend but his behaviour indicates he thinks you’re his FWB.

He isn’t supporting you emotionally, he isn’t in a hurry to see you after a gap and he sets arbitrary deadlines for plans because otherwise he needs to get stoned with his mates.

You deserve more from the man you spend time with.

Grim. I once had a boyfriend like this - prioritised his friends above me, every time. He once told me he didn't want to make plans with me in advance anymore in case his friends wanted to meet up at the last minute.

Funnily enough, he prioritised his next girlfriend.

@mertlegr chapter of his life closes? What, is he going into a monastery? He’s a complete *rse. Dump him.

I don't smoke it, and would prefer he didn't. But it doesn't overly bother me, I can live with it if it's not excessive

I promise you, when you're living together, two kids in and doing everything to keep the house running, this will absolutely bother the fuck out of you.

It's not supposed to be difficult. Or complicated. He's not the one.

This.

Dump him now, you deserve better.

You are a smart woman with an education and a good job, don’t need to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

What happened after your last thread about this?

Honestly, when I hear a story like this I feel like shouting ‘what about you? What are you doing?!’

I don’t need to tell you what he’s doing, and ruminate on his motives. Sort your own motives out. You’re an educated, competent adult, so start behaving like one. Don’t waste more of your life clinging on to question marks about why he did this, said that etc. spend more time thinking about why you are prepared to tolerate it and justify his shitty behaviour to suit your own narrative.

No way would I be hanging around for someone who couldn't decide from the night before until .2pm how to spend an afternoon. If it was a complete unexpected one off that'd be fair enough but it sounds like you think he should just suck it up on the regular.

To be fair, I don't think I'd be missing anyone a month after I got back!

He has shown and told you that you are not a priority. He isn’t that into you, and he’s not afraid to show it.

You’re not being unreasonable to expect more from a relationship. Of course you deserve to feel loved, cared for, valued, prioritised, listened to, supported… and not an inconvenience, a plan b, or afterthought.

But you’re being unreasonable to expect a real relationship from him when he’s made it clear he won’t provide it.

I’ve been your situation before and it’s so tempting to try to make excuses for him, or wonder why he does these things, or work out how you can fix it and make him understand. But you’re wasting your time. He doesn’t care. Don’t engage in those agonising conversations where you’ll ask for things he doesn’t want to give, or where he’ll tell you you’re unreasonable, or perhaps even promise he’ll change (he won’t). Accept what he’s telling you very clearly - that he doesn’t care - and walk away with your dignity.

Op time to move on and ship out. He's shown you and then proceeded to "man-splain" to you who he is. Believe him. Believe in your own morals and expectations. You're not wrong . Always trust your gut and I think in your heart of hearts you know

He sounds stuck at 19, you sound like a grown up. Ditch, there's better out there.

Ahh I missed that part!

Really sorry but this is what I thought too. You and what you are feeling and what you want is nowhere in your story and nowhere in his consideration. Becasue it's all about him.

When you find the right one, they won't be giving you deadlines to say if you are free, they will be cancelling whatever because they want to spend time with you.

It seems to me that the people on this thread care more about your terrible work experience than he did. Total strangers.

So please, please don't waste any more time on him. Find someone who values you and cares about you.

I'm older than you by a long way. My social groups have been diverse, The weed smokers always congregate together and if that's his poison, you're better off going separate ways. He will always put cannabis first-same as if he was addicted to alcohol. The drug comes first. When people say cannabis is not addictive, they mean that nobody has died from it. It most definitely IS socially addictive.

i can’t believe he didn’t cancel his plans to get stoned with friends after the first experience with a baby dying. That’s so unsupportive. It does not bode well for the future if perhaps you had kids together and there was illness in the household or some other pressing issue. He is already in his mid twenties, he should be able to prioritise in his relationships by now.
Even a good FWB partner would drop stuff to support a friend in need.

Why did you want him to be the one? What are the qualities he has that you can't get elsewhere?

Hes not really a partner if you don't live together, or share life's ups and downs IMO. Hes a boyfriend you've dated on and off in your 20s.

You're only mid 20s now- so you've been with him your whole adult life?

Ditch him. Date other men. Find someone on the same page as you. You'll look back and wonder what you saw in this guy.

Or- maybe he'll grow up and come back to you. Who knows.

But lift your standards and find an adult.

I have no issue with some weed smoking FWIW. But he's being a dick about it.