To think DP should've dropped everything to be with me? Perhaps I'm needy.

[mertlegr]

DP lives a mile away from me. We've been together on and off for five years.

He has recently spent six months travelling Asia with his friends. This happened about a month after he got back.

The previous night, he had told me to let him know by 2pm the following day if I'd be free for hun to come over.

I work in healthcare and had to deal with the death of a baby (my first experience). This was obviously unexpected, so I missed the 2pm deadline.

When I got chance, I was texting him to let him know I was dealing with a death. I told him it had really affected me, and that it was the worst day I have ever had at work.

He said "I doubt I'll be free now".

He was in the pub with friends, and then had people back over to his garden where they were no doubt smoking weed. At this point he was seeing his friends essentially 7 days a week.

He started a new job a couple of weeks after that.

His justification for this, is that the chapter of seeing his friends every day was about to close, and that spending time with them was important. As he'd only be seeing them on the weekends once starting the new job.

When I say "you had two options, and you chose to drink and smoke with your friends. Like you have been doing for the last seven months" he says I am over simplifying it, and taking it out of context.

AIBU? Am I expecting too much?

He's not the one.

There is a much higher calibre of man out there. Do not resign yourself to long-term misery with this waste of space.

Well he made his choice, which was the wrong one by the way, and now the chapter in his life with you needs to close and you need to be the one to close it.
One day you will look back on the chapters in your life and wonder why you ever put up with so little from this one.

You posted about this weeks ago!

I think you can safely assume that you deserve better, darling. It’s absolutely not you… his priorities are hedonism first.

I had been dating mine for less than a month when I did prolonged CPR on a baby that didn’t make it. (On a plane). I was in shock he collected me from the airport, threw me in the shower, dried my hair with a towel (as best he could) while I was shaking all over, rugged me up in his fluffy robe and fed me soup and warm tea (which he had bought especially for me) until I stopped shaking. I slept for 20hrs. While I was sleeping, his flatmate kept an ear out for me while he got an Uber back to the airport and he collected my car. I don’t even remember ringing him from the airport when that flight landed.

I knew he was the one when I started feeling myself again. We’ve been married 23 years. Be kind to yourself and understand that someone in his position is simply not able to genuinely step up and be there for someone in yours, however, if the shoe is on the other foot, you are likely to have to step up for him. It doesn’t sound like much of a partnership, and you are not going to feel cared nurtured when you need it.

Why have you been on and off for 5 years? That's not a good sign. Of course a real partner would have dropped their plans to come and support you. He doesn't value you.

Nope. No emotional maturity whatsoever.
You need someone who can be there for you. You deserve better.

He's taking you for granted and trying to work his availability of being with you around his friends who he has already spent a lot of time with - adaptive capacity... how well can this person be flexible in order to ensure they get quality time, even if it is occasionally inconveniences them...

Sounds like (and this is an assumption) that he's probably quite tokenistic in his time.

Surprise, surprise. Weed user shows signs of selfishness and being a general arse.
Get rid.

As he'd only be seeing them on the weekends once starting the new job.

So he's telling you right there that when he starts his new job his priority will be spending the time with his friends, so you won't see him unless his friends aren't around (and if they all smoke weed they will be around) or he wants a shag.

Stop waiting for crumbs. You're worth more than this waste of oxygen. And he isn't the one - wanting him to be won't make him be.

You are both young. Spread your wings a bit, there is no need for a commitment at this stage in your life, it isn't the 1950s. Your man needs to grow up and no doubt he will in time but, for now, keep your options open.

DP stands for 'dear partner'.

He didn't treat you as one.

so sorry you didn't get the support you deserved when you needed it.

Why would you change your view? Your view is as valid as his view to him. There’s a mismatch and that’s ok. Find someone who is more aligned with you.

Yeah, he's not for you

Move on

I agree with you. Time to move on, no rush for a committed relationship, have some fun.

This sounds perilously close to what I went through, @mertlegr—
I was young, in my early twenties. My boyfriend & I had been together since uni, but then my granddad died - the first death I’d ever experienced and I was very close to him.
I called my boyfriend & he said, “sorry - I don’t do that.”
And that just hit me wrong. I said, “you know, me neither,” and I hung up the phone.
I never spoke to the guy again.
I recommend strongly that you do the same — it’ll do wonders for your self esteem. ❤️

I'm sorry @mertlegr but he's not the one, you deserve better. Break it off, and spend some time thinking about your minimum requirements for a partner before dating again. e.g. wants to spend most of his leisure time with you, responds with empathy when you are upset

Get rid, he chose to get stoned and socialise with friends over supporting you when you were going through something traumatic. He acts like only seeing friends on a weekend is some big sacrifice - if he's working and spending his time with them, when is his time for you?
You can do MUCH better than this, dump him, find someone who truly cares for you and appreciates you and good riddance to this waste of space

When a guy shows his true colours believe him. This person does not value you or your relationship. You’re young and you deserve wayyyy more than this person is capable of giving you. Please don’t let your desperation for this person to be the one suck you into believing it and wasting more years of your life on someone that is not even trying to hide the fact you are at the bottom of the list of his priorities. Change can be scary but trust me being with someone that has no respect or care for you is way way worse .

No, you're not expecting too much. You had your first baby death and he should have zoomed over to be with you.

You did tell him the terrible thing that happened at work, right? Just that in our post you only say you had the worst day you've ever had, and some people might just take that as exaggeration unless they know the awful truth.

Why are you wasting your time with this pothead who'd rather be spending time drinking with friends rather than supporting his girlfriend who has just had a very traumatic experience? Are all his friends unemployed so that 7 days a week socializing is possible? He doesn't sound a good quality man specimen to me - not even up to average quality really.

I’m on a different route to most others and don’t blame him, and think you need to work on your ability to deal with such a situation and who your supports should be in such a situation.

Over the decades I’ve been part of many patient deaths, babies, children, teens, adults, the elderly. While some are heartbreakingly sad, you just can’t let it affect you. In the very early days, when we were not used to it, the ‘protocol’ was basically to reach out to an experienced oldie to offload and who gave advice on how best to manage this aspect. Then when we became the oldies we paid it forward. We would never have thought to rely on/dump this on friends/boyfriends/girlfriends/family or indeed peers at our own stage. I’ve never had flatmates, boyfriends or DH know when I had a death at work as I don’t think it’s something they should have to deal with. What on earth could they have contributed re assistance or advice? How did you expect your boyfriend to assist in this matter?

If you wotk in healthcare you must be reasonably intelligent and practical. You dealt with the death of a baby, one of the hardest things to do.
Yet you, who advises andxsupports people at the worst times in their lives, are allowing yourself to be treated like dirt by this man.
Apply some of your career excellence to your personal life!

Just end it. This guy doesn't care about you. Also you cannot be with someone because you want them to be 'the one'. The person you need to be with will show you he is the one through his actions and behaviour and through how he treats you.

Tbh even if it wasn't the weed it was time with friends, he was being a dick. He has shown you his priorities. This isn't a short relationship. As pp said throw him back.

Oh what a martyr you were!
Yes, we had experienced staff to help us through such situations, but we also talked about shit at home at times. Sometimes, only a hug from aa parent or OH or best friend was needed, especially for the 'firsts' of shit, such as child death, haemorragh, assault....
No, one didn't expect advice/counselling/a medal, just their love and support, which an 'experienced oldie' would not do.
Don't be so holier than thou. It's attitudes like yours that fuck up nursing and caring careers for others.

YANBU

You are too good for this guy. He is stringing you along, being there when it is convenient and treating you like some kind of client by giving you a 2pm 'deadline' that he won't even deviate from when you have basically experienced a trauma and need support.

He is showing you what he values and what he doesn't. Please listen before you get more invested and it becomes too difficult to walk away. His self-centered nature will only become more problematic if you get into having kids and/or other responsibilities together.

If what he wants to do is lounge around smoking weed with his friends instead of having a real adult relationship then let him. If he is too much of a man child to let his precious friends down to be there for his life partner, let him. You deserve better. You have waited halfway across the world faithfully for him while he pursued travel and being with his friends - you are not too needy. You have been accommodating but this sounds like it is a one way arrangement that benefits him.

Please get out of this now. Take it from the voice of experience - you don't want to wake up 20 years from now realising you ignored major red flags and are in too deep.