To think DP should've dropped everything to be with me? Perhaps I'm needy.

[mertlegr]

DP lives a mile away from me. We've been together on and off for five years.

He has recently spent six months travelling Asia with his friends. This happened about a month after he got back.

The previous night, he had told me to let him know by 2pm the following day if I'd be free for hun to come over.

I work in healthcare and had to deal with the death of a baby (my first experience). This was obviously unexpected, so I missed the 2pm deadline.

When I got chance, I was texting him to let him know I was dealing with a death. I told him it had really affected me, and that it was the worst day I have ever had at work.

He said "I doubt I'll be free now".

He was in the pub with friends, and then had people back over to his garden where they were no doubt smoking weed. At this point he was seeing his friends essentially 7 days a week.

He started a new job a couple of weeks after that.

His justification for this, is that the chapter of seeing his friends every day was about to close, and that spending time with them was important. As he'd only be seeing them on the weekends once starting the new job.

When I say "you had two options, and you chose to drink and smoke with your friends. Like you have been doing for the last seven months" he says I am over simplifying it, and taking it out of context.

AIBU? Am I expecting too much?

This is how DD's ex BF treated her just before he dumped her.

Dump him. He isn't in to you.

He's a selfish dope-head who couldn't see that the death of a baby must be a deeply upsetting thing. Chuck him back. He's not worth the bother.

i have got to be honest, I am purely posting because I can’t be bothered to find the PP who said, and who I agree with so much.
You are mid 20s, he is not the one, he’s the one before the one (that’s the bit the PP posted that struck a cord even though I am in my 50s) Even if the one becomes less of the one, when you’re in your 40s or 50s, if you have to write about your issues with him in your 20s after a couple of weeks or months or even a couple of years he’s not the one. Find the one for you

What meadowfinch said.

"On-off for five years" this is clearly because of his selfishness.

You are obviously a lovely, caring professional person with sound morals and values.

He is just a selfish, weed-smoking loser with no empathy.

He would make an absolutely terrible partner/husband and, god forbid, father.

Bin him today. Don't look back, and don't fall for the usual spiel of these types, or feel nostalgic when he tries to reel you back in.

You will find better, I promise.

Put yourself first for a change.

Have a hug OP. I know it’s hard dealing with baby death as I do it for my job occasionally too.

He isn’t for you. My partner would move heaven and earth to support me and yours should too. Did he not at least invite you over (even though it’s not what you want it need). I’d be throwing this one back and looking for someone at a similar stage of life as you.

I always find it comforting to light a candle and raise a glass to any babies that die and I care for. I hope you feel better soon.

So sorry for your terrible day at work.

this man has no empathy and treats you worse than how we would probably treat a stranger in need. And he’s supposed to be your life partner?

get rid of him- you can’t build a life with someone like that. Life is hard, you need partnership and community. Please block him and then take some time to work out who you are now. And what core values do you expect.

@mertlegr maybe make a list of what you’d like in a partner/how you would be to a partner. When you date do not settle on these core values. Perhaps even take some counselling through work if you think it might be self esteem issues too so you break the cycle of accepting crumbs from people if you think it could apply here.

Would reflect on why your bar has been so low with this man. Bet there have been countless other things he’s done / not done that you’ve accepted. Why?

So you have probably been together since meeting at university and he's still in student mode and you have started your adult life?

No one will care of you split up don't keep flogging a relationship just because it seemed like a fairy tale once. It sounds like you are going your separate ways and one of you needs to just call time on it and move on (the chances are travelling for 6 months he's probably been with other people anyway sorry).

Just end it and move on with your life and find someone who is in the same place you are. I wish someone had told me the same thing when I was clinging on to a university relationship in my mid 20s - you still have LOADS of time to meet someone else and have children/marriage if that's what you want.

Very well said. From my also mumsy place, I’d like to tell you OP you deserve much, much better.

if you stay with him, be prepared for years of disappointment, feeling let down when in need, different priorities, being low on his list, and likely having to be the adult in the relationship, which is exhausting.

Dump him. Life will be better.

He really isn't The One OP.

And while you are with this guy, you are passing up the opportunity to meet someone who very well could be.

I agree with this. On and off for 5 years, possibly since she was a teen as she is only mid 20’s now, fucks off for 6 months, and justs wants to hang with mates smoking weed.
@mertlegr there are many many men out there better than this, who will appreciate you, go and play the field for a while and find them.

That's not how it works. It's a tough lesson to learn, but you can't "make" someone the one, and he's not. He's just not.

It's not about who is right or wrong, here; however much it'd be easier with a black and white answer. Perhaps some people would prefer to deal with that type of thing alone. You didn't, and he prioritised seeing his friends, that he sees every day. You're not compatible.

You've clearly never really been compatible, either, given you've been "on and off"

Honestly, I promise you that it won't be this hard with the right person.

He isn't The One, OP. And he just isn't that into you. You have been 'on and off' for 5 years. That isn't a relationship. As PPs have said, put him back and pick another one.

I wasted nearly the whole of my 20s on someone like this. You are not needy. You deserve better and will find better once you bin him and move on. On again / off again relationships are great plot lines in movies and the absolute pits in real life. You never know where you stand or what someone’s priorities are.

bin him and find someone who treats you as an equal and as important in their life, not just the back up option when nothing more interesting is available.

God I dated so many twats like this in my 20s. Fuck him off op

You don't sound like a good match, he sounds like a loser.

OP there’s a saying ‘if he wanted to, he would’ - if he was the one, he’d have been straight over. He’s chosen a piss up with his mates at a time you really needed support.

In a nutshell he’s shown you who he is, believe him!

You’re not important to him, OP.

I’m sorry to say that, but after five years he’s not going to change. Yes he’s young, but that’s not an excuse for callousness. At least you’re finding out how selfish and irresponsible he is, before making the huge mistake of marrying or having children with him.

You are a caring person, and deserve someone who loves you and has empathy. I would stop wasting time with him Xx

You can stay with him and you'll have to accept your position is below weed and weed associates.

Or you can end this chapter. Accept you'll hurt more than him (because he is a selfish tosser, which happens when drugs are your thing). But you will be free to make yourself happy, forge a different life and meet someone who support, love you and put you at the top of their list.

As everyone says - he is not the one. Don't waste more time trying to make him be the one.

Thinking you can change a man or he'll "grow out of it" e.g. grow up and stop smoking weed and prioritising getting wrecked with mates.

Nah mid twenties or older it just doesn't work that way.

Maybe some individual talking therapy to unpick why you are fighting for scraps?

5 years on and off??? He's not your DP, and you are wasting your time/life with him as he is never going to be who you want/need him to be. Move on.

He could have actually gone both. Ie spent some time with you to check you’re okay, and then joined his friends later.

And I agree with the above post, he’s a fwb, not a dp.

He'll still be seeing them at weekends it's not like he's moving to Antarctica. 🙄

He sounds like a prat who needs to make better choices, smoking weed is not one of them.

But it doesn't overly bother me, I can live with it if it's not excessive.

What if you didn’t have to live with it? Plenty of men don’t smoke weed - I’ve yet to see a happy couple where only one smokes weed - it’s just doesn’t work:

Dont get to 30 and realize he’s never going to put you first and you are left panicking about the future:

Dump him today - there’s no commitment from him, you do t live together, there’s no ring, he’s not there when you need him.

I did. But this was prior to his response. There is added detail now, more context for people to form an opinion.

So

1. I knew I would get a more rounded view from people, hearing both sides of the argument.

1. Opinions may have been different, given this new information.

1. It is causing problems between us again, as I cannot let go of it.

1. I'm glad I posted again, as it's giving me a kick up the arse.

1. Thank you for pointing out the obvious and being wholly unhelpful.