Friends have no interest in my child

[Hello12345677]

I have a group of friends I’ve been friends with since school. We are now heading into our thirties, a few of us are married or in long term relationships and a couple are still single. I am married and welcomed my first child at the end of last year. My friends were keen to know updates when I was pregnant but have shown little interest since born. My baby is approaching 7 months and they’ve met the baby once and some not at all. They have barely text to check in after the first month or so. I feel disappointed in them and let down. Am I being reasonable? Should I say something? Or should I let the friendships go?

I experienced similar but with one small group of friends (some had kids some didn’t). I was always the one to make an effort. When I looked back through messages over 3 years, it turns out it was always me the one messaging first - so I decided to stop one day and basically never heard from any of them again.

Worth looking back yourself in case it’s the same - nothing to do with the timing of your child but actually just people whose “friendship” only existed because you were holding it together and making the effort the entire time.

You are being unreasonable. Other peoples children just aren’t that interesting, sorry OP.

OP, other peoples children aren't interesting. It's nice to meet them for the first time when they're born, but that's about it. I say that as a mum myself, I don't bring my children along very often to things as they're just not that interesting to other people.

Even if you have children, other people's children are uninteresting, I am sorry.

Maybe you are one of my friends! I'm baffled by the number of people saying "no one is interested in your child".
I'm glad that hasn't been my experience.

I understand that they are not interested in the baby but what's their response when you suggest a night out? Have you tried saying "hey girls. I'm dying for some adult company. What about a glass of wine this Friday?"

If it helps my friends that had always been into children were very into my baby and wanted updates, cuddles and visits and sometimes they even helped.

a majority of my friends became interested in my child when she had her own personality and they could talk to her.

I wouldn’t take offence. They don’t have to be into your baby. If they show very little interest in you and your life, I would question the friendship. If the eh are just drifting apart, then I’ll organise a coffee or invite them over for a catch up to see what’s going on. If they are showing zero interest in my life then the friendship will just naturally drift apart.

I have kids, and sometimes I am that friend that forgets to check in on people’s children, but I will always ask when we have a catch up. And I tend to be the friend that puts on child friendly events so that my mum friends can join. Life just gets annoyingly busy.

I’m really surprised by a lot of these answers.

I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and I had twins. Everyone saying babies are boring etc, well.. yes. But why would you lose interest in a friend just because they have a baby? That’s not a real friend in my eyes.

OP, I’m still the only one of my friends who has children, my twins are 15 months, my core group asks about my babies and listens to me when I talk about them. We also talk about lots of other things and meet up as we usually did, with some adjustments because I now have children and they understand that…

a lot of posters are saying don’t expect interest in your children. I get that. But actually friends show interest in all parts of your life, even if it’s something they’re not particularly interested in. I have very close friends who’ve only met my twins once or twice, but still listen and show interest when I talk about them. As I do for things in their life that I know little about! Surely that’s part of being a friend?

Have you actually suggested meeting up?

You will always have your child but some of these people who are now friends might move to other towns, migrate etc. It really there isn't a guarantee they will always be that attentive or close to you.

Telling someone: why don't you call me and ask me more about me and my baby will only raise eyebrows and make people uncomfortable

I have friends with children. I have children. I have friends I have known over 20 years and ones who have been through some of the most important moments of my life with. But despite loving my friends dearly I am not interested in their children. I will always ask about them, interact with them and never begrudge their attendance at any event but I also don't make it central,.nor do I always include mine. I children are beloved by family and parents and some friends adore them. Most don't and it doesn't indicate anything about the friendship but if it doesn't work for you then you need to make new "mum" friends, but for me personally I welcome friendships that don't centre around so and so's sleep, school life, their funny little antics as I get to feel like me not just a mummy if that makes sense and sometimes I think that is vital in its own way.

I’m confused, have you actually asked them directly to meet up child free? You seem to be saying you’re happy to just talk about non child related things, but then say you’re annoyed with them for not asking about your child.

I have friendships that have ebbed and flowed depending on where we are in stages of lives. I think having children is a big factor that impacts on your friendship but it doesn’t need to be a permanent change.

Definitely seek out fellow mums though in the same phase of life as you as they will be invaluable moving forward.

Yes op this is a hard thing to absorb because to us they are just phenomenal in every way. But it’s a really good thing to get used to . You will be constantly reminded over the coming years that carers, babysitters, nursery staff, school teachers etc dont find your child as absorbing as you do but they won’t. Sometimes you may even feel they don’t care even though they are paid to. And the truth is ( whisper it) they actually don’t. Not in comparison with what you feel anyway.

This a classic example of why you should always choose a good title for your post and not drip feed before you decide to commit hara-kiri on AiBU. Or better still, post in Chat.

Before I had children I found them unbelievably boring. I am still not very interested in other people's children, but fake it out of politeness

My very first thinking after reading the title of this thread and the first post was “oh god I really don’t blame her friends, it’s really hard to maintain interest in a friends baby” etc etc, but the more I read, the more I feel so bad for you with the way your friends have been.

I am 35 and child free and I’d say loosely 40% of my friends have them, 60% don’t. Every time a friend has announced their pregnancy I’ve had that sinking feeling of “oh god, I’m losing another friend to the baby life”, as things really do change. And I understand that, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Some of my friends are happy to leave the babies at home and just want to chat about other stuff, whereas some bring them everywhere they go. And I admit, I hate it when I go for brunch with a friend and her toddler comes along and we can’t even finish a single conversation cause the toddler demands so much attention. I hate when they bring them to my home and I have to watch through gritted teeth as babies mess with all my trinkets and put my things in their mouths. I hate that it’s SO much more complicated to make plans now and our social lives aren’t as free and easy as they were in our 20s. However all that said, I still feign interest. I ask, I cuddle, I do the dutiful bits, but without going overboard.

So the point I think I’m trying to make is, yes it’s true that we don’t find our friends babies that interesting and we wish our friendships hadn’t changed, BUT we still show up and are there for our friends with children. I can’t believe your friends hve just gone so cold and aren’t responding to you etc, that’s a huge shame.
Its sad because people are saying “make new friends, find new mum friends” and whilst that’s a great idea and would be nice, the friends you’re talking about here are your old group, you’ve known them 10 years, you have history, memories etc, they’re your GIRLS and it’s not that easy to just make new ones that hold the same value. But I totally get why you feel let down by them. It would be a lot to expect them to overly care about your baby and to do all the gushing, but it’s not much to expect them to care about you. And you’ve reached out and suggested meet ups and they are just not replying? Wtaf. Out of curiosity, do you know if they’ve all been hanging out without you in this period, or have none of them really met up? Are they all still talking to each other as much and just excluding you?

Anyway, sending love as I do feel for you. I hope you can resolve this :)

It really depends. I don't want to be harsh. But people generally aren't that into their friends, babies. Unless they're super close and they have babies of a similar age where they will play Together.

Is it possible your only sharing stuff that a parent would be interested in. My sister once spent 20 minutes telling me a story about her daughter. Recognising a remote island on a map and getting it right in a quiz and my eyes glazed over. That's parent only territory for a 20 minute brag story.

Another time she sent me a 2 minute video of her daughter at soft play. Just wandering around or jumping on something. I watched a few seconds of it. I went back to what I was doing and left it Just long enough so that she thinks I would have watched the whole thing and then replied how lovely. I deleted it.

This stuff isn't interesting to anyone but parents.

The attitude of loads of posters here really bothers me. Yes babies ate incredibly boring and no they’re not a big deal if they’re not yours. But surely if something massive happens to a friend you want to share it somehow? Are you interested in your friends as long as their day to day is relatable and entertaining? Shame on you.

Yes but to what end? Baby is nearly 7 months. I'm sure the massive thing happening was at the birth. I'm sure the friends were really interested then.

Enthusiasm wanes. Yes she had a baby ...months ago. People have lives and stresses and they can't be expected to share this as of it happened to them

Shame on me for not being on the edge of my seat at every little baby update months or years later. So entitled.

You probably missed the bit where she executed a perfect double back-flip and karate kicked three other children twice her size off the soft-play.

😂 possibly but I can live with that

Other people's children are BORING as fuck

You really can't believe how stunningly dreary it is to be pinned down by people droning on about their kids, dogs, cats etc

I'm definitely not saying my conversation sparkles, but having to listen to kid talk is a killer.

No.. shame on you for not caring about a HUGE part of your friends life. You don’t have to care about the baby.. you do have to care about your friend. Having a baby doesn’t make you ONLY a mother, and a good friend would care and support through the very short period that you’re overwhelmed by being a new mother.

My mother died 7 months ago. It was massive for me. I think of her all the time. All the time. All the time. It's my day to day now grieving her.

Should I expect constant support from all friends in this regard?

Shame on them for not devoting every interaction we have to asking about me and my grief?

And yet I don't think everyone should be revolving around me.

mums who chose this life do.

And talking about kids and baby's and nappies and feeding and naps and sleep is fucking boring. No one wants to hear about it other than the parents.