Friends have no interest in my child

[Hello12345677]

I have a group of friends I’ve been friends with since school. We are now heading into our thirties, a few of us are married or in long term relationships and a couple are still single. I am married and welcomed my first child at the end of last year. My friends were keen to know updates when I was pregnant but have shown little interest since born. My baby is approaching 7 months and they’ve met the baby once and some not at all. They have barely text to check in after the first month or so. I feel disappointed in them and let down. Am I being reasonable? Should I say something? Or should I let the friendships go?

The reality is you are probably far less appealing to them than you were before you had a child.

I didn’t have a child until I was early 40’s but the few I knew who did have children before me in their 30’s became less fun because they were no longer available to do things we used to do together.

Once I had a child my life changed completely. My DS was and is the centre of my universe. In my eyes he’s the most amazing human being ever to have lived. I’m not naive enough though not to realise that others won’t share this opinion. Most friends are pretty ambivalent at best about my DS and that’s fine.

Your thread title is perhaps a bit misleading; your posts suggest they have lost interest in you since you had your baby and that is naturally what's upsetting you, rather than the fact they're not showering your new arrival with attention.

Are you able to leave your baby with someone so you can meet up for an adult-focused get-together; coffee, lunch, night out?

If they're not prepared to make the effort, it sounds as though they're not the friends you thought they were - might be time to look for a new friendship group.

of course you do. it's a mumsnet requirement.

That’s life.

I am sorry, I missed your second post which said you have reached out. If they haven't responded to that, then yes, they are being unkind and bad friends. I agree that I would have responded and asked how you and baby are doing.

I have noticed a lot of this going around lately though it's no excuse. People seem to prefer social media friendships.

Yes, your title is very misleading. You should have said " My friends never respond to my texts or messages, especially since I had a baby".

I have never said I wouldn’t go out without my baby, the baby has a dad who is more than capable of parenting their own child if I was out. I mean I literally haven’t heard from them and they haven’t asked to meet up. I have asked when they are free, I have said I can come out alone! But I’ve literally heard barely anything from them since baby arrived! Every message I’ve sent has not even included any baby chat, just gossip or something funny. I understand people are busy and we all have our own lives. But being dropped because you’ve had a baby isn’t a nice feeling. I also find it insulting that they have no interest in baby when I’ve shown interest in their children or families or pets or jobs.

With your further update, I think you have terrible friends and need to find a new friendship group. Very cruel of them, especially when you have childcare and can meet them sans baby.

I have never understood why parents and the child free can't be friends. Admittedly my DC are grown, but still...

Do you talk to them about anything other than your kids? I have taken a step back with certain people before because all they ever droned on about was their kids, it was like being a parent became their entire personality...There is nothing worse being childfree by choice and having to hear a monologue about things you cannot relate to nor care about.

@Plantparent she has clarified that she doesn't.

Did you read any of my messages I don’t talk about baby?!

Apologies OP, I only read the initial post!

I would just my friends of 10 plus years to check in on me and ask to meet up like we usually would? I am not an alien now I’ve had a baby and I’m not one of those won’t talk about anything else as some don’t even have children. No wonder the pnd rate is so high if the majority think it’s ok not not care about your friends anymore.

I think it's a bit mean that they didn't visit you more in the few months after having the baby. This can be a lonely, vulnerable and exhausting time for new mothers. Good friends should be there for you, and celebrate your new child with you (not indefinitely, but at least after the baby's born. A baby being born is a significant life event!)

Oh and I would like them to also say how is baby have you got any recent pics (as I don’t share on social media) then do the polite aww so cute then move on!

Don’t have any expectations about their interest in your child. Are they interested in you? Is their interest in you waning? If so, you might want to relegate the friendships, but don’t get offended re: your child. It happens.

so not one of your group has been in touch? was there any fall out at all? usually there'll be a few flaky friends and a couple of solid ones.

Babies are a source of endless fascination to their parents, but not to anyone else.

Also, a new baby is all consuming for its parents, which is fair enough of course, but quite alienating for your childfree friends. That said, having been the childfree friend I wouldn't give up on my friends once they'd had a baby. But don't underestimate how much it will change your relationship. Your life has changed enormously, but theirs has not.

YANBU - you need community post partum.

however, I think a lot of people don’t understand the gravity of the change and how to really be there for someone until they have a child too. I would show up very differently now that I’ve had a child. Try not to take it too personally. Find some new peeps through baby class and maybe invite a couple of friends to walks? Tell them you’re feeling a bit out of contact?

Before you had children, how interested were you in other people’s?

They're not childfree

Her friends do have children

Not seen any in person since first visit to baby.

just to be clear they have responded to messages I’ve sent, that are random topics which is what we usually do in group chat. But no follow up how are you doing/how’s baby/shall we arrange a catch up etc. no fall out or ill feeling, just disinterest.

So your friends of over 10 hrs who you got on with well previously have suddenly blanked you completely since you had a baby?

I feel like there is something else going on there....unless you were all members of an 'i hate babies" club!

Children should not be seen as a social ladder climbing thing.

Have them for you. Even if the rest of the world ignores them, they're your child. What they think is irrelevant.