DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

How long have you been a higher earner? Have you articulated any of this to him?
it is NOT unusual to have one partner out earn another but expectations are usually discussed
you sound resentful of his position
could you ramp down a bit?
what would happen when you have kids as that would change everything again

Is this a reverse?

I certainly don’t think you should ‘make’ your DH do anything. It sounds like an opportunity to move forward in his career, spend less on commuting and have more work life balance. Those are all positive things but your post sounds very negative.

Check with him that you’re both on the same page I.e that this is a step towards something bigger and better, and then try being happy for him.

If this was a post by a man, people would be quick to call the behaviour out as controlling!

Would you be happy for DH to tell you to that

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises you take it
• It does not become the “norm” for you to work 4 days a week with him working full time because he is the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• You attempt to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If you are not working full time you picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

if the answer is no you would not be happy then there’s your answer to your own question.

@courtyardofhope no this is not a reverse
@rubyslippers i have always been the higher earner - I don’t mind earning more money, I just want him to be maximising his earning potential

You sound jealous he’s got a promotion, a shorter week for the same money and more WFH time.

I don’t think you get to place any conditions on him accepting the job or not.

Stop flexing your earning power - MN wouldn’t take that from a man so shouldn’t take it from you.

Wow. You are so unreasonable I don't know where to start.

I really think you need to talk to your partner, and ideally a therapist, about the resentment you feel at having supported them previously.

Coming at this from a position of being "owed" will cause ill feeling, can you focus on talking about your feelings and what the future looks like as a couple?

There's more to life than earning the maximum possible. I think YABU and jealous. Hopefully you don't plan to have children together, as it would be a disaster.

@Q124 why? Is it unreasonable to expect if one person is working part time they do more domestic tasks? I don’t think so.

I also don’t think it is reasonable for someone to always work part time, or not maximise their earning potential when the other person is working full time and there are no child care responsibilities

If he can earn the same amount of money and have an easier life in this role that is four days a week, isn't that a good thing? You are no worse off so there's no problem. It sounds like you are jealous of his day off but even that could work in your favour as he will have time to get stuff done at home?

The only reasonable bit is him doing some extra housework on the day off.

Him picking up more chores is reasonable, insisting he gets, what, bar work on the fifth day is just stupid.

My husband would be delighted for me if I got offered less hours for more money tbh.

agreed

I think it's a grrsat opportunity for him to have a better work life balance and it is fair to want to benefit from that yourself too. So I would focus on the last point. On his day off it would be fair that he picks up more housework and maybe does a bit if extra batch cooking so that on your weekends you both are benefitting from the extra time off as you're not needing to do household tasks.

I think point 4 is valid. If someone is only working 28 hrs a week instead of 35 then they should do more of household tasks.

OP it sounds like you would also like to work 4 days per week, would that be possible?

I don’t think you sound that compatible. He doesn’t sound as career focussed as you, I don’t see why he has to change his ethos to suit yours.

If my husband had the opportunity of a 4 day week I’d be over the moon for him. Are you jealous he works fewer days? Is there an option for you to move to a 4 day week?

Are you sure you want to be married to him?

FWIW I have always out-earned my husband, we’ve been together 20 years and I can’t see it ever changing tbh. This has meant I’ve always been FT, even after having 2 kids. It does cause me the odd moment of resentment tbh, mainly when I’ve spend time time with my PT friends, but I know I love him and I don’t want to be married to any of their higher earning husbands.

Yes, @WouldUSayImWorthy my husband would too. I would say that would be the reasonable and expected reaction from your partner who should love you and want the best for you!

I think it’s fair enough to expect him to do more of the housework / meal planning / errands etc since he has more free time.

Not sure about the rest of it though. Do you actually NEED him to be earning more money? If not then why does it matter so much, there is more to life than working as much as you can to earn as much as you can.

You sound incredibly controlling. You don't get to impose 'terms' on your partner, what an odd way to think about things. There's no drop in money so it doesn't actually affect you at all, so what's the problem?

As long as he's paying 50/50 and you sharing household chores 50/50 why does it matter how many hours or days he works?
you can work less if you choose to

Obvious solution is you doing 4 days too.

Everything, apart from him doing more chores, is unreasonable.

I think it would be reasonable on his 5th day to do ALL housework/domestic tasks inc food shopping, gardening, cleaning windows, so on your 2 days off you both do no housework tasks