DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

Maybe more money (when they are not currently struggling for money) is not something he considers a priority.

This. The only thing I think you should expect is that he does more household chores as he has more “free time”.

Why not drop a day yourself?

I think I understand what you are trying to say. You basically want to be with someone who you feel has the same value and belief system as you so you are both pulling in the same direction.

I would suggest that if this is a promotion then he is pulling in the same direction and wants to move forward in his career.

I don’t think asking the partner with more time at home (and notably no children) to take on a larger part of his he domestic load is unreasonable, but the other points are OTT.

Yabu. It's ONE day. You really need to sit down and talk to someone. This is beyond controlling and comes across as such. You also sound jealous that he works one less day than you and keep referring to it as part time. It's 8 hours less than you and you want him in either a side job or to do the majority of housework. It seems you want to control his time rather than being happy for him.

I have no idea what your problem is. During our marriage my late OH and I were often in different positions financially in terms of hours and earnings. It was not a big deal. Swings and roundabouts.

Your OH has the chance to earn the same money as now whilst working fewer hours and increasing his promotion potential - what's not to like? Nothing changes except that one of you has a bit of slack in the system which can work to the advantage of both of you.

If you do not want to work full time then don't. Simple.

But your resentful attitude is frankly rather unpleasant - and alos incomprehensible.

Yeah, OP, you sounds like your passion for maximising income is wrecking your life and could wreck your marriage.

Why not go part-time yourself, and go for a smaller house and a simpler life? Then you will be partners with time for eachother.

As it is, you speak about him as though he's a business partner, not a husband that you love. It's like you want him to stay as miserable as you, all in the service of mammon.

In this situation I'd be delighted for my husband and with getting him to contribute more towards household chores

From your post, OP you sound at best very inflexible and totally lacking in empathy. At worst, scarily controlling.
He's an adult. Certainly a genuine discussion, but in the end, it's his decision.

I can’t believe the amount of cock coddling that’s going on here OP! In your position I’d certainly expect him to pick up the lion’s share of the domestic load on his day off as any woman would be expected to do. You being the highest earner working full time might work well at the moment, but what happens if you have children? Of course he should be looking to increase his earning power so that you have the choice of taking the full quota of maternity leave and have the option of working fewer hours when children are small if that’s something you’d like to do.. You’ve supported him through extra study and enabled his career choices - he needs to be ready to step up in the future if you are planning to have a family. There’s no harm in voicing your expectations now so that you can ensure that you are both on the same page!

In your position I’d certainly expect him to pick up the lion’s share of the domestic load on his day off as any woman would be expected to do. You being the highest earner working full time might work well at the moment, but what happens if you have children? Of course he should be looking to increase his earning power so that you have the choice of taking the full quota of maternity leave and have the option of working fewer hours when children are small if that’s something you’d like to do.. You’ve supported him through extra study and enabled his career choices - he needs to be ready to step up in the future if you are planning to have a family.

Very sensible and fair advice.

And I love the term "cock coddling." I wondered if @DevilsKitchen is a wee bit stuck in sex stereotypes where deep in her brain she does sometimes assume that her DH should earn as much or more than her, but even if that's the case, it's understandable - it's hard to resist the really strong social conditioning which assumes that men earn more & support their families. I wouldn't like to be partnered with a man without ambition or talent or the ability to earn well ...

But if he's not pulling his weight to make up for earning less money, that's unacceptable. Especially when the OP has supported him through his studies.

@DevilsKitchenSometimes we all forget our marriage vows, luckily I have friends who slap me down when I get resentful before I embarrass myself. If you and your DH are BOTH happy to live within the constraints of your current income then he is reasonable, you are free to make this work however you like. If he wants to cut his hours or avoid taking steps to meet your combined expectations, implying that you are responsible for his pleasure, then you are reasonable to expect him to get off his throne. TBH your OP sounds like your ambition is threatened by his recent promotion.

Overall YABU and I partially agree point 4. He should pick up a day worth chores not significant amount,a fair amount. He’s not the chore donkey because of 1 extra day

I'm the higher earner compared with my husband. He similarly works less than full time but earns the same as he did full time because of a pay rise. It makes no difference to me because the money coming in from him is the same. And actually, I chose to also work less than full time a day worked to earn more to fill the gap too. Is that possible? Also my husband doesn't have a day off on his day off, he does childcare. Could yours do that and/or take on some more of the household load that day? It could actually be super beneficial to you as a team because you don't lose any money but gain hours for house admin and wellbeing.

Yes, you sound hugely unreasonable. This job sounds better in every way and it seems the only reason you don’t want him to take it is because you don’t want him to have perks you don’t have.

Instead of trying to make his life worse, why not try and make your own life better? Maximise your own earning potential, find a higher paid job that means you can work part time, and negotiate working from home part of the time.

A compromised would be that he cleans house top to bottom and does laundry and shopping on his day off?

Why should he be responsible for 100% of the housework just because he works 20% less than OP?

Its arguably fair that he should do proportionately more of the household tasks, but it’s totally unreasonable to suggest all housework is suddenly his responsibility just because he has a little more free time than OP.

Why? On my day off I clean the house, get washing sorted and do a food shop as I'm not working.
Dh does day to day cleaning like kitchen wipe down, emptying dishwasher, putting clothes away, cooking

If it works for you and you’re happy then that’s fine, but I don’t think it would be fair for your husband to expect you to do 100% of the household chores just because you work 80% of the hours he does. At most, your additional burden of household tasks should be about 20%.

I know that in reality nothing gets divided up that precisely, but as a general rule the split should be roughly proportionate.

I think UABVU in all of your suggestions except the last. It would be sensible for your DH to pick up more domestic responsibilities on the day that he is at home and you are not. That should be the day the shopping is delivered/done. The day that the plumber comes (if you have the luxury of choosing the day). It should be the day that the admin tasks are done, the car goes for its MOT, all of those sorts of things. And - if you can afford it - maybe you also could think about reducing your hours. Then you could (possibly) choose whether to have a day off together or to have a day to yourself.... which should also be used for your mutual benefit, although it you both have a day off the tasks can be split and then you will both have time for hobbies, appointments etc.

That’s a heck of a lot to get through in one day ?

Really? I could clean my 3 bed house in 4-5 hours and I’m not very fast. A weeks laundry for two adults is half an hour to hang up and then fold. An hour and a half to shop (or way less if you do it online). That’s about equivalent to a short working day.

sure its a lot to do if you consider it a “day off” but if you’re aiming to have a productive day and don’t have kids it’s hardly excessive.