DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

Of course you are not BU. If he works part- time then he needs to do a lot more of the domestic tasks than you. This way his part-time work will benefit you.

Infact, he should spend the whole of the 5th day on domestic tasks.

Does he contribute 50/50 financially, or is it a different split? I'd be fine with it if it's a good opportunity at the moment. But if he chooses to continue working part time, if a full time role became available in the future, and he's relying on you to cover the difference, not so much. For me it depends if he's taking the piss or not.

It sounds like a wonderful opportunity for your DH. It seems you are jealous of him having a better work life balance, could you afford to drop your own hours to 0.8?

I think you have to approach this from the perspective of what YOU want to do and if it's different from what you're doing now because of his part time work, have a chat about that. I think marching around setting the rules for what he does is not on really. He shouldn't have to pay you back for the support you've given him - that's not how marriages work. However if he is stopping you from doing something by working part time then that's different isn't it. Then you need to have a conversation with him where you both have an equal input.

Take the job, do more at home, my opinion.

You do sound resentful OP. Using words like 'make him' isn't particularly healthy and indicates there's a certain dynamic in your household whereby the higher earner is in charge. I'm not sure I'd be keen to live like that. With regards to your 4 point instructions, I think all are reasonable except asking him to pick up casual work. Unless you really need the money, that seems almost spiteful and if I have to do it so do you. If I were you I think I'd be reflecting on how strong you were as a partnership as this attitude towards him isn't how I'd want to feel towards a partner or have them feel towards me.

OP Do you split the household expenses 50/50? Or are you solely responsible for paying for everything? Your post suggests the latter and so I understand why you would be resentful if that’s the case. You are two adults without children so there’s no reason for one to financially support the other without equal contributions from each partner.

Would you like to be able to reduce your hours? Or change jobs? But feel unable to do so because of your responsibilities?

Do you plan to have children? How do you see that working? eg would you want to be a SAHM? Or would you want to return PT? Would your choices be stymied by your financial situation?

To address the conditions you want to impose upon your DH, I honestly think that only the last one regarding domestic load is reasonable. However, I still don’t think that he should be solely responsible for everything being done but certainly 75% seems fair if you are covering all domestic expenses. Plus you can emphasise how much it will improve your quality of life at weekends, having those days free of the majority of domestic tasks.

• If you are not working full time you picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Surely that should be obvious anyway, though...

I do think OP should have a conversation about wanting to also find a way to go down to 4 days at some point, 'her turn' so to speak, so if the opportunity arises for him to make more money enabling this, that wouldn't be unreasonable.

Sorry without children I would just say your household budget is his wage plus the same out of yours I would plough my extra into pension and enjoyment for myself. If the only reason you are surving is because your wage is significantly higher and his just pays for your yearly holiday I get why you'd be annoyed after a while.

Of course he should take the new role and in approx 2+yrs you would assume he should go for another position to keep building up and you could argue that money saved on commuting could go towards a cleaner and make it clear that this extra day would be a great benefit to you both e.g. weekly grocery shopping delivered, household deliveries, car service and mot done on those days etc etc to free up time for you both on weekends

Absolutely unreasonable. I’m practically begging my DH to go to 0.8 and that would be with a pay cut. I’m the higher earner and we’d both snatch the hand of anyone offering a 0.8 role on the same pay.

He would pick up more of the domestic load as a result (although he already picks up most of it as my job can be time consuming and stressful, so the idea would be he does the normal weekend work on his weekday off and then we have a free weekend).

If he’s getting paid the same it’s unreasonable to demand he finds extra work on the fifth day. It’s not unreasonable to say that if he finds another job it can’t be for less money, so he can’t move to a lower FTE and 0.8 role.

I think your demands are unreasonable. I'm also the higher earner and work full time whilst my DH works 4 days a week.

The agreement is he sorts dinner our on the day he's off (he does childcare on this day).

It more sounds like your bitter about having to support him but if he's earning the same as he was with less hours then why wouldn't you support it?!

Obviously he should take the job.

But all your conditions sound OTT. If his pay won’t change then why are you making it sound like you’re doing him a favour. What if he loves 4 days a week and never wants to go back to 5, is that really a big deal? As long as he’s not expecting to contribute less overall then what’s the issue.

This sounds like a “you” problem TBH, if you want to work less then think about your own career path and how to do it. Could you do compressed 10 in 9 days? What about training to make yourself more desirable. If the current job is never likely to be one you can do part time- how are you planning on changing it? Focus on this rather than forcing your DH to agree to conditions just because you’re not happy.

And?

Do you need the money that much?

It doesn’t sound as if you like him much.
Your last point is valid though. He should be picking up most of the domestic load.

This is so sad 😥Is this someone you love or is he an asset you want optimum return on investment on?

I think your attitude about maximising earning potential and being carried by the higher earner may come and bite you on the arse if/when you have children.

Your controlling demands because you are the higher earners would be just as unpalatable from a man or a woman. Gross.

I would not be very happy if someone wanted me to do all those things in one day! Gardening alone can take a long time.

Bloody hell, you sound really controlling OP. Do you actually like your husband? I can’t believe you would make him get a casual job on the 5th day just so things ‘seem fair’!! A bloke saying this about his wife on MN would get slaughtered, this is so ridiculous.

Clearly depend on the size of the garden !

It would not be unreasonable to expect that most of the housework is done so that you both end up with the same amount of free time

If he’s not working 5 days a week then yes, he should be picking up the extra load at home. However everything else you’re utterly unreasonable about.

So he's got a promotion where he'll be earning the same amount, but working less days and you want him to work 'casually' on those days to maximise his earnings. Whatever happened to being happy for someone's good fortune. Side note - husband, Run!

I agree with this- unless you have responsibilities that you have to meet or huge debts to pay off it’s for better to be earning a modest amount but have a good quality of living, good mental health, happy relationship then be maximising your earning potential but hating every day of your life. Why are you obsessed so obsessed with maximising earning potential when it doesn’t seem that you fit within any of these categories?

There was a post on here (maybe more than one) recently about someone who in a nutshell found it unattractive that their partner didn’t have the same career drive as them.

Could that be more what this is about? Because none of what you’ve said is rational or makes sense otherwise )beyond yes he should definitely pick up domestic slack in his day off).

If he was choosing between 2 promotions, one at 0.8 and one FT then I would be on your side with it but he’s not.

It may be that your goals are just not aligned and you need to figure out how much that bothers you.

The only one of your "conditions" that's even remotely reasonable is that he should pick up more domestic jobs as he's working less hours.

However, if my DH tried to place "conditions" on me taking a new promotion I would be highly unimpressed. As it is, we don't have children and both work part-time as neither of us need to be working five days a week.

Any one working part-time hours it is reasonable to expect them to pick up more (not all) of the household chores... But anything else is only you own internal green eyed monster coming through OP.