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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and a new job at 0.8

297 replies

DevilsKitchen · 02/08/2024 14:31

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

  • If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
  • It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
  • He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
  • If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

OP posts:
MultiplaLight · 02/08/2024 14:49

Maximising earning potential makes you a controlling twat. Earning enough to live, is enough.

showeringthisaft · 02/08/2024 14:49

I don't think you get to demand anything regarding his job, but he should definitely be taking on a greater proportion of the domestic tasks on his day off.

Gazelda · 02/08/2024 14:49

I completely agree with you that he should be picking up kore of the domestic load on his 1 extra day each week.

The rest is unreasonable.

Are you struggling for money? Would you like to be part time? I can understand your resentment if either of these are the case. Otherwise, I'd have thought you'd be proud that he's doing well and progressing.

Cherry8809 · 02/08/2024 14:50

You actually sound awful - bitter and resentful.

By taking this promotion (congrats to him, by the way), he’s able to improve his career long term, while the reduction in days and hybrid working affords him a better work/life balance while the pay remains the same.

Why on earth would you begrudge that?

Considering telling him he should find alternative work for the 5th day? I would tell you to fuck right off.

sadabouti · 02/08/2024 14:52

Point 4 on housework is reasonable. The rest is not. Welcome to the club. I earn more than my wife who works two days a week and I have limited ability to reduce hours or work less. It's unreasonable though to put caps on what he can or can't do and pressure to chase more work. But he should do more at home to balance the family workload if his working hours are less than yours.

TemuSpecialBuy · 02/08/2024 14:57

I would say YANBU to say the following

  • If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises and it pays more he takes it (this assumes you have financial goals you aren’t meeting currently and this fits with your agreed long term shared goals)
  • It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with you working full time ie he shouldn’t refuse to consider any ft jobs and gets stuck in this role forever because he likes 4 days (again this is only if it doesn’t fit with your Long term vision for your shared life together)
  • He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual) totally unreasonable
  • If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of some more of the domestic load. So you can enjoy quality time at the weekends together

it’s not clear:
are you concerned about long term impact on his earnings / your lifestyle as a couple
or
just salty he gets 4 days and resentful you have previously subsidised him?

reluctantbrit · 02/08/2024 14:58

DH ears significantly more than I do but never would dream to suggest that I change my p/t hours to "maximise my earning potential". There is no way I would ever be able to match his salary despite getting decent promotions and bonuses in the past.

I had 3x the option to go back f/t but we both agreed it would be better not to.

Saying that, it was always understood that I would in charge of DD on my non-work days and when she started school I would use the days to run errands, book appointments, do chores so that the weekends are free for us.

It works now for 16 years and I have absolutely no desire to ever go back f/t.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 02/08/2024 14:58

Your fourth point is perfectly reasonable, but not the others. Why does he need to 'maximise his earning potential'? He will be earning as much as when he was working 5 days, and you've already said you don't 'need' his money.

Snoken · 02/08/2024 14:58

I get a feeling that since OP earns more she feels like she owns her DH. He can live his life however he wants to and all you can do is either accept he is a grown person able to make his own decisions or you can try and control him and make both your lives miserable. You don't have to get anything out of this opportunity, it's his opportunity, not yours.

Ilovelurchers · 02/08/2024 14:59

Does he require your support for taking the role? How/why?

If someone I loved had the opportunity to earn the same amount and work one hour a week and have the rest of the time free, I'd be absolutely thrilled for them! I have in fact found myself in a position, not quite like this, but similar when a previous partner was able to set up his own business, and earn what he had done previously working much shorter hours - I was so pleased he could do something that made him happy!

Yes, reasonable to ask him to do bit more housework, and maybe errands like popping to the bank or taking a pet to the vet or whatever that are easier done in the working week.

But otherwise, Jesus, give the man a break - would you like it if he ordered you around like this?

ByKindOpalPoet · 02/08/2024 14:59

So you think it’s unreasonable for someone to work in a way they want to and a way which may be best suited for them/their mental health.

i will always out earn my DH but if he wanted to drop a day and providing we could afford to (sounds like you can if he’s going to be earning the same as what he was FT) then I would be fine and happy for him to, I certainly wouldn’t be dictating that he gets another job on his day off or takes FT employment if he didn’t want to

what is telling is that you’ve completely ignored my question about if you would be happy if it was the other way round. This tells me you wouldn’t be but because you’re the higher earner you think it’s okay to dictate the hours he works for whatever reason.

PistachioFrapp · 02/08/2024 15:00

Wow. You expect him to maximise earning potential because you resent working longer than him and earning more than him. Poor bloke.

For comparison,

I used to be the higher earner while DH faffed about deciding what to do and getting started. For about 5 years in our twenties he hardly contributed anything while I was stressed in a corporate role I hated.

Then I was a SAHM for 20 years and DH has encouraged me to do as little or as much work as I felt able to, regardless of whether we needed the money.

Now we are not exactly wealthy and he's fed up I'm encouraging him to scale down his hours to get a better WLB.

Neither of us has kept score because we are married and we are not twats.

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 02/08/2024 15:01

Has anyone lost a green-eyed monster?

PistachioFrapp · 02/08/2024 15:01

OTOH obviously if one partner is working fewer hours they should take on more of the domestic tasks / childcare.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/08/2024 15:02

Well I wouldn’t find it attractive if my husband was happy to work 4 days and let me work 5 as the main earner. I actually am the higher earner at the moment and it will be me that goes part time when our baby is born, although my husband is likely to out earn me in future. He sees it as his job to provide for his family and wouldn’t be relaxing at home while his wife is out working that’s for sure.

ChubSeedsYorkie · 02/08/2024 15:02

You’ve worded your post really badly and I don’t think it paints you in a good light you sound quite jealous tbh.

I agree he should pick up more domestic tasks but that’s about it tbh. Maybe you could drop to 4 days too…

Hateam · 02/08/2024 15:03

If I was your DH and was offered those 'terms' or any 'terms' for that matter, I would consider divorce- I'm not joking.

WindsurfingDreams · 02/08/2024 15:03

Why don't you drop to 4 days too? That sounds like a good balance

WonderingAboutBabies · 02/08/2024 15:04

So... the job won't impact his earnings, his long term career prospects will be better, he'll be in a more senior role, and he will be able to invest in himself on his day off (e.g. gym/hobbies/seeing friends/family). Why would you resent this, surely you would be happy for the person you are in love with, and would want them to be happy too?

If my husband had this opportunity, I'd push him towards it without an ounce of resentment. I'd encourage him to pursue interests he otherwise doesn't have time for... because I love him to bits and I want him to be happy and fulfilled.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2024 15:04

DevilsKitchen · 02/08/2024 14:41

@Q124 why? Is it unreasonable to expect if one person is working part time they do more domestic tasks? I don’t think so.

I also don’t think it is reasonable for someone to always work part time, or not maximise their earning potential when the other person is working full time and there are no child care responsibilities

First one yes, second one no.

He can prioritise work/life balance and that's great. It may mean you aren't compatible as partners but it's a valid choice.

Original poster
DevilsKitchen · 02/08/2024 15:04

@ChubSeedsYorkie I probably haven’t worded it very well you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
DevilsKitchen · 02/08/2024 15:05

@WindsurfingDreams because that would result in a significant drop in income

OP posts:
AnnaCBi · 02/08/2024 15:06

My husband pays for me to have half a day off per week (in theory we both pay for it, as it’s part of our household costs, but he earns more). He doesn’t resent it as he is happy on his job and it’s not something open to him (although he wfh 2 days and gets a lot of lifemin done when I can’t) I wouldn’t say I do more in the house on that day, but sometimes he’ll ask me to do things for him like collect his dry cleaning or I’ll do a food shop for us etc

I think it’s unreasonable to expect someone to earn the maximum they can at the expense of everything else. Instead you need to look at the bigger picture. How can you, as a pair, maximise your shared quality of life?

My husband knows the half day to myself is great for my wellbeing and doesn’t take away from his. I also try to do things to support his wellbeing- for instance, I’ll do nursery drop offs for him when I’m not at work.

Lakeyloo · 02/08/2024 15:06

Blimey ! I can't ever imagine being jealous of my DH ! Jealous that he had the opportunity to work 4 days a week, yes, but he would just get a list of extra chores to do. I certainly wouldn't make him get a P/T job for the extra day and his time would be his own as long as he'd done his bit. Higher earner here too, but it doesn't matter, we're a team. I'm not his mother !