DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

I find it extremely hard to believe the OP would turn it down if she was offered the same salary over 4 days!

Whats the difference between 0.8 and compressed hours really? He’s earning the same amount as he was last week.

Some posters are banding about part time very liberally as though the guy is working 10 hours a week.

Can you drop to four days so you both have a day off together

Figure out how much he'll save in commuting and work out if that means you can afford to drop a day a week as well. Or what that money can be put towards (saving for a big holiday etc)

he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

But presumably if you found a part time job that had the same take home pay, you would have just as much freedom to take it?

YABVU

I can only imagine the outrage on here if a man said any of this about his wife. You might be the breadwinner but you aren’t more important than him. The only thing you have stated here that is not unreasonable is the expectation that if he works 4 days a week whilst you work 5 days, then he should take on more of the household chores (but not ALL of them). You aren’t treating him as an equal in this relationship and come across as both petty and quite self-centred.

I genuinely do not understand why you are resentful that he has had a fortunate job offer which allows a step up career-wise but step back in hours and maintaining his pay. Would you honestly prefer he did not progress his career just so he could work 5 days instead of 4 simply because you are being a bit petty.

You also don’t know where this might lead- it could be the stepping stone to the next step and lead to better salary in the long run. By taking this stance you could end up cutting off your nose to spite your face, as well as putting the breaks on your DH’s career, if only temporarily.

If you did not want to be in a relationship with someone who earns less, making you the main breadwinner, you should have chosen to marry someone else. If you didn’t want to support him whilst he studied, then you should not have agreed to do so. You decided to do both of these things, it’s not reasonable to then hold it against him or expect to be able to make all the decisions. Surely you would expect that in the early years after qualification/retraining or whatever he did, that it would take time to climb the career ladder and earn more money, so you wouldn’t be “financially taken care of” for a while (depending on his future earning potential- is he ever likely to earn more than you?).

You do not get to make decisions about his career/expect have the absolute right to “make him” do anything on the basis that you, as the higher earner, get to decide things. In his position, I’d be questioning your respect for him as an equal in your relationship.

I think you need to give yourself a bit of a shake and put the resentment aside. Fair enough to explain your expectation that he will do more of the household chores on his extra day off, but the rest of it needs put aside.

Because she subsidises the life he has and why should she have to if he's capable of earning more? Why can't he work full time and she work (eg) 9 days a fortnight? Why is it enough that his salary stays the same?

Yes he can go 4 days and earn the same (and he should take the promotion), but he could also work 5 days (whether with a second job or by picking up more hours if offered) and get paid more.

As I said, obviously it's unreasonable if the money he would earn would not make a financial difference. OP has made it clear it would.

Well he's not 'going' four days though is he; the job he's being offered is four days. It's not like he can't be arsed working full time, simply that the job that's presented itself, and is a better opportunity, happens to be part time.

And the OP isn't subsidising him in the new job any more than she was last week.

So what the OP is saying is that what she wants is:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it*
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Which specifically do you think are unreasonable? How is the OP being unreasonable to say that if he moves to 0.8 and then the employer offers him an extra day, he should take it?

As I said, of course he should take this job: it's a good career move and he's making more money for fewer hours (and fewer commuting costs). It's what he does next that matters. It doesn't appear he's working for pin money and I just can't understand how everyone thinks it's ok for a grown adult's part time working to be subsidized by their partner/spouse, unless they're both completely happy with that.

One of the closest DH and I ever have ever been to splitting up was when he (unemployed for a year) said he wouldn't take a job because he felt the salary was demeaning to him. It wasn't low, it was just much lower than his previous role. Despite him later apologising and agreeing his thinking was wrong, it changed how I thought of him as a person and still impacts me now because at that point he was going to put pride ahead of bringing more money into the house to support his family.

I can completely understand the OP being a little envious, but that’s not a reason to say he can’t do it

This is a completely different scenario. He is working, there is no break in his employment and he isn't taking a paycut. He has the opportunity to earn the same and have a better work life balance.

If they are struggling for money, the two of them can discuss an acceptable way to bring more money in; if OP is finding her own work life balance intolerable, they can discuss how it would be possible for her also to move to working fewer hours. Neither of those seems to be the case- she's just resentful that he has the opportunity to work 0.8 and wants to make sure he suffers for that.

How is it a different scenario? The DH in this scenario also now has the opportunity to bring more money in (for example by taking on full time hours in the new position if offered in the future).

You're saying it's his right to move to 0.8 and to continue to always work part time if he wants and to expect OP to subsidise him working part time when she doesn't want that, and would prefer that he brings in more money. I can't understand why someone who is an able bodied adult would not do all they can to pay their way in a relationship (and remember there are no kids here). If she earns so much they're rolling in hundred dollar bills on super yachts, it would be petty, but then I suspect neither of them would be picking up any housework!

OP has made it clear that more money would be good. That's why she wanted to (and did) have the discussion with him. They're on the same page luckily.

I think you sound absolutely horrible.

You sound so demanding. Are you looking for a divorce? Because this is where it's headed.

Do you want children?

I understand how you feel, it's unfair if he always gets to work part time and you full time.

If you're going to have children any time in the near future I think this could easily reverse where you take more time off and maybe elect to go down to 3 days to feel a bit more even and get the benefit of more time with your babies or young kids.

The promotion for him would then work on both your favours as I assume it would help him get another role at the same or better level elsewhere with a full time salary.

YANBU about the chores.
YABU about everything else.

Reduce your hours too.

Well done op!

you guys are on the same page 🌺

on the resentful note though, I would recommend maybe you work at it before the children? How do you see yourself more financially supported while also saying that he is unlikely to be the breadwinner? Throw kids in the mix and that might become a hot hot subject…

That's a good update. I'm glad you're both on the same page OP.

I agree with this.
It’s okay to expect him to do more domestic tasks in his extra time off.
The rest is really not ok.
If you want to work less then that’s ok. You could work towards a compromise.

I think you are being massively unreasonable. Also you can’t demand anything of him. You can ask and have a conversation but sound controlling.
are you jealous he’s found a job working 4 days? If it’s the same money he’s in now but a day less then it is a pay rise.

I think u could all benefit from.this. Discuss it
Ask.him how this works. Hopefully he will step up and say he will do most of the domestic tasks on his day off.

I’d be delighted for him if my dp was offered less working hours for the same pay. If you want a better home life balance for yourself, can you not seek that out or condense your hours into four days? Getting what you want in your own role/ career doesn’t need to be related to what your husband is doing.

You sound rather controlling and bitter.
He should do more housework etc on 5th day but forget the rest.

Totally reasonable to expect him to take the majority of the housework tasks off your plate. Everything else stinks of control and tbh would make me think about leaving you before kids come along and it’s too late.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to do more around the house if he's part time but the rest of your list is really controlling and a bit unpleasant. Your view of the relationship seems quite transactional which is not great.