DH and a new job at 0.8

[DevilsKitchen]

Possibly more of a wwyd.

My husband has the opportunity for a new role at work. It would be at 0.8 but is a promotion so has a higher FTE. This essentially means his take home remains the same but obviously with it being a promotion is better for him career wise in the long term.

While the money would be the same he would also be working from home at least 2 days a week whereas he is currently 5 days a week in the office with the exception of certain times of year so we would save quite a lot on commuting costs.

I do not object to him taking this job in principle as it clearly logically makes sense but I am finding it hard not to feel resentful that he would get to work 4 days when I have always supported us financially as I make more money and up until 2 years ago he was studying and only working part time. Since he has been working full time I have felt like it is my turn to be a bit financially supported. I also feel resentful that because he is the lower earner and we don’t “need” is money as such, he has more freedom to make decisions like this where I don’t.

I’m thinking about saying to him that I am in support of him taking the role under the following terms:

• If an opportunity to go up to 5 days arises he takes it
• It does not become the “norm” for him to work 4 days a week with me working full time because I am the breadwinner and that future roles should be full time.
• He attempts to find additional paid work on the 5th day (this might be casual)
• If he is not working full time he picks up a significant extra chunk of domestic load.

Is this reasonable? It doesn’t feel reasonable to make DH stay in a lesser role commuting 5 days a week just for the sake of him working full time but I also feel like I should get some benefit if this is going to be the arrangement. We don’t have children yet.

Do you mean that because men have traditionally been the main breadwinners in a family, it doesn't feel right that a man would earn less and let his wife be the main breadwinner?

If so, I thought this kind of thought process belonged to the 1960s, not 2024.

True, but my point was more about disagreeing the the PP. OP has had some harsh responses but I think the theme overall is fair.

My husband and I have always shared all money. I’ve always been the higher earner and he’s often been part time. We’ve always worked on the basis that we share the money equally and we share the workload evenly, so if one is working more paid hours, the other does more about the house. I suppose if you were keeping finances separate that might not be as equitable.

Thank you @FrivolousKitchenRollUse

I love my husband very much; it’s highly unlikely he will ever be the breadwinner and I don’t expect him to be. What I do expect is for us to be equal partners and to equally benefit from whatever arrangements agree upon

I would agree that he does a bigger proportion of the housework.

But you say you would only support him with those “terms”. If he doesn’t agree with looking for more earning potential on the 5th day, are you seriously suggesting he should stay in the worse job that means you are both worse off financially?! That is not in any way supportive or respectful of someone you are meant to share your life with and if this was gender reversed people would say LTB for being controlling.

If you’re on the fence about children it’s even more reasonable. Honestly a DINK couple should be able to financially swing each party to be working only 4 days a week.

@Nellodee we have a joint account and we both contribute to it as proportional to our income to cover the mortgage and bills. There is an agreement that we both save a decent amount of money each per month - he has slightly more money than be for his own things but that’s because he spends more on petrol

But you're choosing to work full time. You have made that choice. Presumably he hasn't made it for you.

Just because it's the norm doesn't mean either of you have to do it. There's a growing movement to make a 4 day working week the norm.

IMO if you’re in a healthy relationship and its shared household money of course you’re allowed an opinion but you can’t ‘tell’ him what to do. In these circumstances I’d be delighted if he’s able to maintain current earnings but on the basis that he picks up more household cleaning, admin tasks etc so that at the weekend you both have more free time together. I wouldn’t respect someone who thought it was their ‘day off’ to sit around on their arse and then you both have to equally split household work whilst expecting me to subsidise their lifestyle choice. If you’re not on the same place on this then your relationship may be on the way out.

No, I mean because I find confident, driven and ambitious men attractive, as do many (the majority?) of women. The type of man who’s happy to sit back and let his wife work harder wouldn’t be for me, total ick.

At the very minimum he should be saying “this role will allow me to do the chores on my day off and progress to a higher paid role I future, how great” but it doesn’t sound like he’s doing that from the OP?

Teachers ?

I think you need a frank conversation about your priorities. Because they're clearly not in line with each other.

Why would his share of the bills decrease just because he's earning less?

I think you are bu slightly! If he works 4 days I’d expect him to do more stuff round the house on his extra day off most of the time, it should benefit you both

You sound like a total nightmare!

I don’t see why you are cross about him progressing his career - there is no salary dip so it doesn’t make a difference to you. Also a more relaxed partner is a happier partner - doesn’t this make a difference?
Also I would imagine doing a job at a higher level will give him opportunities to apply for full time jobs at the same or a higher level in the future. I think to say that within 6/12months he starts applying for higher paid full time jobs would be reasonable.

We only get one life why spend it working every hour you can! Is having a bigger that important? If you say he has to hoover, clean bathrooms and cook the dinner on that day your weekends would be so much nicer!

I think he should definitely pick up the lion’s share of housework if he does this.

Or, perhaps you see if your job can be 0.8 too? So you both have some time off paid work, and split housework equally.

WTF

Or the type of man who is confident in himself to realise that 4 days a week is a great work life balance. He's confident to know that his current life doesn't need more money than he is paid.

Earning power isn't everything.

My god you sound so jealous and horrible. He needs to get out of the relationship before you have kids!!

Casual work on the 5th day, thats laughable and you should embarrassed that you are so jealous and resentful.

Therein lies your issue, @DevilsKitchen . Have you got the same expectations?

YOU believe that you need more money for a bigger house. So you both kill yourself for an extra few k a year (no idea what salary he might be on, but as an example, if he was 35k FTE it's a loss of about £420 to take that to 0.8)

He might feel different. You could buy a project house and his extra time could be doing the work it needs. Making assumptions of course but there are different POV's. You, and he, need to talk and understand each other.

I'm older than you and have the benefit of hagitude but with my hindsight I DON'T agree that without kids you should be working full time. Quality, all the way. You will be the envy of everyone, far more than you raking in all the cash you can.

But yes I could just cut your cloth accordingly? It sounds like you really resent him having the day off so I think that is worth considering.

You do know it’s 2024, right?

Agree with all of this. If earning the most money possible is your dream @DevilsKitchen that's fine, but to many people life is about so much more than that.

Op, your tune will change once you have a baby and want to go back part time after Mat leave. Then, you will expect your dh to support you and help you to achieve it. However, you want to now sit and dictate your 4 bullet points to him. I bet it won’t work when it’s the other way round. You don’t sound like a supportive partner at all - your dh gets a step up and you’re worrying that it’s not fair to you that he has managed to secure a promotion that means he will earn the same and get a day off. My dh would be delighted for me, just as I would be for him.

'earning power isn't everything' - really easy to say when someone else earns all the cash!

It's obviously absolutely unreasonable to suggest your DH gets another job on day 5. It's not unreasonable to tell him you're feeling the pressure as the breadwinner and you need to agree a way forward. That may be him upping his career game or setting out how he will support you as the main breadwinner so that the partnership feels equal.